Am I in the wrong?

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 8:32 am

amother wrote:

My sister called my on Friday saying that she had a great idea for my parents' anniversary/my moms birthday present. She wanted us to do a group gift and pay for my parents to go away for a night and get them tickets to a show.

I am the oldest so she decided her and my other siblings who are in high school and college will pay a very minimal amount like 30 dollars each and my husband and I wil pay 120- over half the cost of this trip. When I said that this is a great idea but she needs to realize she is asking us to pay half of it, she kept saying well no you are paying 60 and your husband is paying 60. She wasnt getting that our finances are merged so it is asking us for half of the expense.

It happens to be that finances are very tight for us right now- We are both in chinuch, just moved accross the country which cost a couple thousand dollars. Insurance, a new car, school loans, yom tov traveling, dr appointments and fertility meds etc have made this month a tight one with nothing left for savings. When I told her this, she became hysterical crying and saying shes not asking a lot of us etc. When I said we could do 80 but she needs to realize the reason for this si that we have very very little left after bills this month, she hung up on me.

She then sent a text basically saying this is what everyone is paying and put me and my husband seperate so that it doesnt look like we are paying still more than everyone but instead loooks like we are paying less than her. My other siblings than each responded that they will pay more since me and and my husband arent paying what we are susposed to be.

Over yom tov, I was thinking and part of our bills for this month is us going out to eat a few times when we visit new york (since we live out of town and going out to eat is minimal here.) Its our vacation and we had been looking forward to it. Is it wrong that we are doing that and shoudl instead be using that money for this?

I am so conflicted by how I feel. I am so hurt by how this was presented to me, the lack of sensitivy when I told her our financial situation, and whether or not we are being selfish by saying we cant give more than 80. Advice needed!

I cannot STAND when my sisters do the chip in thing. One sister decides she wants to get my parents Netflix and will I chip in? I said no. (she has plenty of money to do this on her own.) If I have an idea I want to get my parents I do it on my own. I think I may have chipped in for a few things but only if I feel like it. No guilt if I don't want to chip in, too bad. In your case, your parents would want you guys to go out to a restaurant and enjoy yourselves instead of spending money on them. Be firm about what you want to do and don't let your sister manipulate you. Everyone should be paying the same amount, in my opinion. Good luck.

amother

Coral

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:00 am

OP here- Thank you SO much for the support! I needed some validation.
I spoke to my sister last night an attempt to smoothe things and she really really could not understand that our finances are one unit- she kept saying well unless your checks from your jobs say both your names, your finances are not merged, etc. She also said she was crying because I was speaking harshly to her (which I prob was at some point) and had no acknowledgement that she put me into a hard situation and it was not thoughtful for her to tell my siblings how much I was or was not giving. She also said she was being sensitive because at the end she is fine with us giving what we can give and is covering the rest, but she wont acknoweldge she did it in a very mean way and that we are still paying more than everyone else! She did not apologize for hanging up one me either because I made her upset and it was what she had to do because she was so upset- I feel like she is acting so immaturely and with such insensitivity AND YET she feels like she is the mature and sensitive one in this situation.

There is a context to this- my mom is sick and has been for many years and this sister runs the show when she is home whether or not my mom wants her to, has control of my siblings, etc. I am going to my family for Succos- what am I going to do?

I am also very very frustrated with my husband because he is not getting this- BH when it happened he was very supportive. On Friday, after this whole thing happened, I was in a bad place and was crying a lot. He held me and did things at home so I could sleep it off a little. Now though, he is validating me but also encouraging me to make amends because its family. I am not so sure I want to at this point because this really may have been the straw that broke the camels back...I don't know what to do but hes not getting it. He should be supporting any decision I make with my family. Zehu

Hoping you all have more amazing advice and validation. Thank you!

33055

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:10 am

amother wrote:

OP here- Thank you SO much for the support! I needed some validation.
I spoke to my sister last night an attempt to smoothe things and she really really could not understand that our finances are one unit- she kept saying well unless your checks from your jobs say both your names, your finances are not merged, etc. She also said she was crying because I was speaking harshly to her (which I prob was at some point) and had no acknowledgement that she put me into a hard situation and it was not thoughtful for her to tell my siblings how much I was or was not giving. She also said she was being sensitive because at the end she is fine with us giving what we can give and is covering the rest, but she wont acknoweldge she did it in a very mean way and that we are still paying more than everyone else! She did not apologize for hanging up one me either because I made her upset and it was what she had to do because she was so upset- I feel like she is acting so immaturely and with such insensitivity AND YET she feels like she is the mature and sensitive one in this situation.

There is a context to this- my mom is sick and has been for many years and this sister runs the show, has control of my siblings, etc. I am going to my family for Succos- what am I going to do?

I am also very very frustrated with my husband because he is not getting this- BH when it happened he was very supportive. On Friday, after this whole thing happened, I was in a bad place and was crying a lot. He held me and did things at home so I could sleep it off a little. Now though, he is validating me but also encouraging me to make amends because its family. I am not so sure I want to at this point because this really may have been the straw that broke the camels back...I don't know what to do but hes not getting it. He should be supporting any decision I make with my family. Zehu

Hoping you all have more amazing advice and validation. Thank you!

If you sister is running the whole show for a sick mother and has been for many years, that changes things.

I would give in then but say you are doing it in appreciation for everything your sister does. The $30 is your share and the rest for is because you appreciate her. Also, consider taking your sister out to dinner when you go with DH. It is a big job she is doing.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:13 am

Squishy wrote:

I don't agree.
It changes things in the sense that it helps be dan lekaf zechus for her sister's behavior since unfortunately life has saddled her with something that is beyond her age.
However, it still doesn't give her to right to decide that OP has to give money for a present and she definitely doesn't need to give more than what she has already promised.

amother

Coral

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:13 am

Let me clarify things- My mom is emotionally unwell and has a neuro issue. When I lived at home I did everything- cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc. My sister could not be bothered to help. When I moved out, she took over. She moved out but when she comes home, she takes control of the house (even though my mom does not always like it but because she wants the house to be a certain way). This is not a case of a sister who hs given up her life to live at home and help. Its the case of a sister who takes control when its good for her and then leaves to hang out with her friends when it is goood for her.

Notsobusy

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:16 am

amother wrote:

I am also very very frustrated with my husband because he is not getting this- BH when it happened he was very supportive. On Friday, after this whole thing happened, I was in a bad place and was crying a lot. He held me and did things at home so I could sleep it off a little. Now though, he is validating me but also encouraging me to make amends because its family. I am not so sure I want to at this point because this really may have been the straw that broke the camels back...I don't know what to do but hes not getting it. He should be supporting any decision I make with my family. Zehu

Hoping you all have more amazing advice and validation. Thank you!

I obviously don't know the whole back story, but this seems kind of minor to be the straw that broke the camels back. She is being extremely unreasonable, and I don't think you should give in to her demands, but it also doesn't seem like something that should destroy your relationship.

I also don't think your husband has to support any decision you make just because it's your family. If he thinks you're making a big mistake, why should he encourage that? To me it sounds like he's being a perfect husband, validating that you're upset, but also encouraging you to do what is really right for you.

yehudis1056

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 10:02 am

Notsobusy wrote:

I agree. My husband is like this sometimes as well. He validates me but encourages me to make amends because he really believes family is the most important thing. Sometimes he's right and sometimes he's not. In this case making amends doesn't mean agreeing to pay whatever your sister wants and apologizing because frankly she was way out of line here but you can try to let it go and move on. You know you're in the right and she's being unreasonable. I know it's so much easier said than done but if you don't want sukkos to be uncomfortable it may be the best solution.

Amalia

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 10:55 am

amother wrote:

Let me clarify things- My mom is emotionally unwell and has a neuro issue. When I lived at home I did everything- cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc. My sister could not be bothered to help. When I moved out, she took over. She moved out but when she comes home, she takes control of the house(even though my mom does not always like it but because she wants the house to be a certain way). This is not a case of a sister who hs given up her life to live at home and help. Its the case of a sister who takes control when its good for her and then leaves to hang out with her friends when it is goood for her.

The bolded is the key phrase in this whole situation - it seems to me

Maybe your parents don't even WANT to go to that getaway and show - or can't

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 11:23 am

In our family before we decide on the gift we discuss how much we are willing to contribute. When we have a total we see what gift we can get for that amount. It makes no sense whatsoever to come to someone with a bill so to speak for something they ha no input in. It simply doesn't work like that. We do not expect siblings who don't have jobs to contribute to the gift at all but we do ask if they would like to. That's all. It is completely unfair to be told an amount you "have" to give. If she'd be asking for $10 that would be different but here she's asking for an amount that's really significant. Even if she'd be asking the same amount from all siblings (say she decided to gift them a few nights in a hotel) it's still not right to make any decisions without your consent.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 4:11 pm

amother wrote:

Your husband sounds very kind. I don't agree that he has to support any decision regarding your family, any more than you have to agree to any decision he makes with regard to his family. Seems he wants to try to keep the peace. That sounds like a good goal. I totally get you're upset with your sister and have every right to be. I don't think you have to give in to her unreasonable demands. But trying to end off in a peaceful place might just be a good idea especially as you're all going to be together over sukkos. I can definitely agree with your husband on that. Sukkos will be much more pleasant for your parents, for your husband and for you too, if you can find a way to do what you want to about the gift, but manage to stay on decent terms with your siblings.