Teenager rebellious

supermom

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 5:28 am

Writing for a friend of mine.

All suggestions are always welcomed. Tongue Out

My daughter is 14 1/2 years old. She feels as though she wants to live her life and no one should try to control it. She stopped talking to us, there is no communication besides fighting. I have a problem I scream at her a lot but it feels that it is the only way. When she sees me crying she cries too. I want a happy atmosphere in my house. I am a very sensitive woman. I don't know how to show her my love to her for her to accept it.

We live in a very small community and the only girls her age are very bad infulence (oh man that was real bad spelling.). The option to leave is out of the question. She wants to move out to a dormitory but into a very modern one. We are BT and we are trying to raise our kids through a torah way. It hurts me to see my daughter rebelling like this.

My heart is aching from her. I want to help her but don't know how. Crying

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 5:39 am

It is VERY hard to not have other people like you, even as an adult. As a teenager, it can be motivating to be the token Jew/frum Jew/good girl, or it can be "why can't I be like them". That's why I plan to move in a community where dd will have similar friends, because I know how it feels.

My only advice, if you cannot move, is to explain dd why you can't and why on the long run misbehaving will cause problems (shidduchim, reputation, big mistakes...). Many will not agree, but if there are things she can't do and all the others can, make sure she also has rights/priviledges the others don't. Maybe she can't go out alone but she can go to bed very late compared to others, maybe she can't wear untznius clothing but she can make a mess as long as it's in her room, and so on.

Tell her you want to make things better but won't happen if she doesn't talk calmly and communicate.

mimivan

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 5:43 am

I like Ruchel's approach...

I would also avoid telling her "it will pass"
My mother told me this constantly, not realizing that few years to a teenager is an ETERNITY! While for mothers, time flies by...

technic

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 5:49 am

supermom wrote:

Writing for a friend of mine.

All suggestions are always welcomed. Tongue Out

We live in a very small community and the only girls her age are a very bad influence. She wants to move out to a dormitory but into a very modern one. We are BT and we are trying to raise our kids through a torah way. My heart is aching from her. I want to help her but don't know how. Crying

my instant gut feeling (and I havent thought this thru majorly) is that if shes that unhappy at home and the community isnt a good place 4 her right now (and after all, if she escapes the hse and ends up under bad influences, that wont help anyone) shes prob best off in a dorm - either the one she wants or one that u can all agree on...and if she gets the space 2 b herself she will iyh come back and get closer 2 u...ive actually seen a similar fam situation w a teenager that bh resolved itself beautifully in the end...

theres a proverb that says " If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. "

hatzlacha Very Happy

HooRYou

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 6:14 am

I definitely agree with Technic that if you can find a dorm program you bith agree on that is the best but if not it is probably better for her to be in a more MO place than surrounded by really bad influences. Also if the place is MO but offers a lot of good haskafa and good supervision she will find her way in the end. A teenage girl needs friends and if the area you are in doens't have any for her it is natural that she is unhappy and wants to go elsewhere. It will also be a calming affect on the mother-daughter relationship since there won't be the opportunity for day-to-day arguments. You can mechzaik yourself between Shbbosos not to get angry and to listen to your DD and talk to her more like an adult and not a child about teh bigger issues.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

supermom

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 6:21 am

Technic you are amazing you hit it really to home. I told my friend and she is in seventh heaven. She is really thinking about sending her daughter to a dorm. She likes the idea of the in between. And about talking to her like an adult and not a child. You guys are amazing.

I just read somewhere which she will start doing is sending her love notes. Her and her husband this way she will keep reading it and maybe it will sink.

greenfire

Mon, Oct 15 2007, 9:49 am

teens are never an easy deal ... the thing I find that helps the most is the unconditional love that no matter what they say or do - if they know you are there for them ... they can fall back on that no matter how far they rebel ...

the compromise sounds good cause you cannot force somebody to feel only guide them ... good luck ...