Scared of the challenges of raising children

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Oct 02 2017, 9:46 pm

I don't think the subject really conveys my thoughts so I'll try

Bh I have an adorable, friendly, smiling little baby. I do my best to care for him and show him love. Obviously I love him very much.

Then I look around at ppl I know irl or read the posts here.. How does a child go from a baby to a little kid or teen with issues? When does that happen? Every person starts off as a loved baby (excluding abuse or unwanted children etc but for the most part) - how do they turn into kids that turn against their parents? Or any other kind of issue

I know the answer is, that's life, that's galus, that's human nature. Just some of the thoughts I've been having now that I'm a mom. If that makes any sense

ruchelbuckle

Mon, Oct 02 2017, 10:02 pm

Yup, that's part of galus. There is also
part of growing up. Kids have to go through difficult situations (hopefully not traumatic). The only thing you can do is do your best in parenting and daven. Daven for lots of siyatta d'shmaya.

Also, don't sweat the small stuff. I laugh about how I agonized over which playgroup or backyard camp to send my 4 year old to. I think it's pretty funny that I spent energy investigating who my 3 year olds peers would be-- for a year long playgroup! And I'm sure that when my kids are 18, I'll think it's cute how I spent much time deciding which sleepaway camp would be the best fit for my 12 year old.....

OutATowner

Mon, Oct 02 2017, 10:43 pm

Daven. And daven some more.
Listen to and read about parenting classes to equip yourself with tools. You can only try your best.
That is what I tell myself. I am petrified.

amother

Black

Mon, Oct 02 2017, 10:57 pm

That is so freaky OP. I had the exact same thought as you tonight and was about to post something similar when I saw this. I also have one little baby boy whom I adore bH. Just tonight I was reading different posts on here and my heart was breaking thinking about the challenges people have with their toddlers or children. As of now I can't imagine giving my baby anything but 100% love all the time, but I'm worried that these are the 'easy days' and for what will happen when life gets a bit realer.

I think the answer is just to try your best and not be too hard on yourself. Have people to speak to, get good advice, try and understand your child for who he/she is and give them what they need (as opposed to what you want them to need), stress the positive and minimize the negative, work on your own skills - patience, listening, organization, and remember how fast the time goes...

Oh and daven!

All in a days work huh?

But honestly, I'm just a FTM...so I'm trying to figure it all out too Smile

Hatzlacha!!

octopus

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 8:21 am

I think we want to think we have control of how our kids turn out. But the truth is, no matter how much we put into them, there are no guarantees that they will come out of it as wonderful adults. According to Sara chana Radcliff's parenting book, it's not our job to raise exceptional children. We need to put in what we need to put in to our kids, but we need to accept the end result. It's not our job to have perfect kids. Our job is to parent each kid in the way that is beneficial to them. Every kid has challenges, the same way every adult here on this earth has challenges. And some kids have bigger challenges than others. Our job is to do our best and help them with what they need. But the ultimate end result is out of our control.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 8:38 am

As the child develops and grows his/her needs come into conflict with your needs and things get really stressful then. Unknowingly, we can begin to view the child as an adversary and the child picks up the vibes. I think keeping stress low, being mindful of our triggers, and having some trusted like-minded ppl to discuss issues with, is a good start. There's an excellent book called Mothering, by Elaine Hefner.

ssspectacular

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:37 am

Fear comes along with us at every stage of life. It's there when you take a job, get married,
give birth...and on. When you buy a home(will I be able to pay the mortgage) when your kids get married (will they be happy) and on. We can't avoid being afraid, but we mustn't let it stop us from doing what we have to. As long as our intentions are good and we keep ourselves open to growth, things will be okay.

Zehava

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:58 am

I think the fear comes from the illusion that you are the one in control, the one molding your child and deciding how they turn out. But that can't be further from the truth.
Your child is like a tree. You can and should water and weed it, make sure it is fertilized and gets enough sun. But at the end of the day the apple seed will grow into an apple tree and the peach seed into a peach tree. Your child will be who he is meant to be and make his own choices. Your job is to ensure that he is healthy, loved, nurtured, and has the best possible start for a great life. Once you know your role and let go, the fears will subside as well.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:08 pm

ruchelbuckle wrote:

Also, don't sweat the small stuff. I laugh about how I agonized over which playgroup or backyard camp to send my 4 year old to. I think it's pretty funny that I spent energy investigating who my 3 year olds peers would be-- for a year long playgroup! And I'm sure that when my kids are 18, I'll think it's cute how I spent much time deciding which sleepaway camp would be the best fit for my 12 year old.....

I don't get it. Who your kids peers are is not small stuff. If the playgroup chevra will end up in the same elementary school class, go to high school together... And a month of sleep away camp on the cusp of teenage hood? You bet I'm doing my due diligence!
And along with that (my due diligence at each step and stage and transition), daven daven daven that Hashem should help me do right by him and he should grow up secure and healthy.