In laws gave me some money for yom tov.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 9:51 am

Since my divorce my x in-laws have given my for pesach and sukkos some financial assistance which I'm very grateful for.

Through the grapevine I heard that they think I'm using it for myself ( I hardly spend on myself) rather than the children. Or on the house.
How do I let them know it's not the case?
I don't feel like telling them each thing I bought with it. Because I don't feel I need or want to. They gave me the money and I'm old enough I hope to make a cheshbon how to spend it. But not happy that they assume all that rubbish either.

Any ideas?

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 9:56 am

I don't think you need to report on every item you buy with it, but it would be nice for them if you wrote them a note (or called, if you prefer) and mentioned a few "highlights."

"Shloimie is really loving his new shabbos outfit."

"It was so nice to be able to repair the washing machine."

Etc.

This is often what people do when they receive gifts of money and it's nice to thank them by letting them know a few of the things their gift helped you do. .

33055

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 9:58 am

amother wrote:

This is the typical story whenever there is child support.

You can either write them a TY and tell them what a difference this money makes and you were able to buy such and such this year. If you do show it is for the kids, they are liable to give more.

If you don't want to let them know specifics then give them a general TY and things continue as usual.

If you tell them you heard LH and you are not using the money for yourself, you will only shame and embarrass them. I suspect they won't be as generous because they are already uneasy.

mommyhood

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

This exactly. I do this whenever I get a cash gift that's meant for a specific purpose. When I get a baby present, 'thanks grandma we bought a great crib that's going to get so much use.' I don't give an item by item breakdown and I may very well have spent some of it on groceries or something not specifically related to the baby but it makes the giver feel good.

LovesHashem

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:28 am

simba wrote:

You can also have your kids write a thank you note.

BTW, that is so nice that they help you out with Yom Tov expenses. Not all in-laws do that even when couples stay married.

For young kids, they can send a drawing.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:41 am

simba wrote:

You can also have your kids write a thank you note.

BTW, that is so nice that they help you out with Yom Tov expenses. Not all in-laws do that even when couples stay married.

I dont tell my children that they have given something for y.t. I don't want them to feel that we need to take from others. Or that we don't have enough.

Lol while I was married all these 15+ yes we hardly received anything. And I agree it is very very special of them to help me out.
And I do keep in touch with them weekly which may be unusual also. So we are unusual people. Very Happy

Rubber Ducky

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:02 pm

Teach your kids to express hakaras hatov — this is different than saying you are needy. Expressing appreciation helps your children become better human beings in addition to letting your in-laws know their gifts are are being put to good use. It doesn't have to be a formal thank you note. A photo of your kids in their new YomTov clothes or sending a drawing from them will work as well.

amother

Violet

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:03 pm

amother wrote:

There's nothing wrong with a Bobby buying or paying for things for a grandchild. It does not mean that you need to take from others. It means that they like to give. When my MIL pays for my dd's first pair of shoes, it's not because I can't afford it. It's because she wants to give. I don't see why you shouldn't tell your children whom it's from.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:10 pm

amother wrote:

I agree fully. But with expressive teenagers I feel it's a bit tricky. It's like " what are they (gparents)trying to do it say"
The relationship between their father and his parents isn't the same as mine. More complex. And for the kids to find out that they help me and not him even he's struggling too wouldn't be ideal....

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:14 pm

I agree with Violet. Bobby giving a yom tov gift is not charity. It's what bobbys do (or should do). I understand your thinking as I am in a similar situation financially. I know that sometimes one tends to feel more uncomfortable with taking than if you were financially comfortable. But bobby giving the kids (or even the house) something before yom tov is just a nice gesture. Telling them (or having your kids tell them) how you used it is just being polite and nice back.
PS I liked the idea of a drawing if your kids don't write yet.

amother

Violet

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:20 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not in this situation, so forgive me if I'm off with this, but I really don't see the connection. They don't have to know if his parents are helping him. Dang, his parents aren't even helping you. They are giving to their grandchildren!

SixOfWands

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:21 pm

amother wrote:

Your children are not aware that their grandparents sent them (and you) money for the chag?

Its a gift. Getting a gift doesn't mean that you need to take from others; it means that someone wants you to have more. Someone cares for you, about you.

Chances are that somewhere along the line, someone asked one of the kids, "what did you get with the money Granny gave you for yom tov," and the kid answered, "granny doesn't give us anything." Which is why Granny thinks the money isn't used for the kids.

Send a thank you note, with photos and thanks from the kids who are old enough. "Dear Moishe and Malky, we really appreciated your gift for the chag. It makes the kids feel so special to know that you're thinking of them, and to wear/use the new clothes/machzor/whatever that we bought for them this chag. Wishing you a gmar tov."

mommyhood

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:34 pm

You do not need to get your kids involved here. My grandparents always gave my parents money for yontif and I did not know about it until I was an adult. It wasn't a secret but it's not the kid's business whether money given for yontif is spent on groceries or clothing or the washing machine repair that you were pushing off.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:36 pm

tell your kids that their grandparents gave you money to buy them stuff and that you want them to thank the grandparents. its not you vs your dh it's neither, its the kids. I'm guessing you are the one who pays for stuff for them?

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:15 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for all responses. I like to see /hear different points of view.
Ds already doesn't speak to his bubba Bec his father obviously told him that she doesn't care about him. And he's supporting his dad in that way seeing it the same. Bec apparently I speak more to his mom than she speaks to her own son. It's not my problem or business that.
Xdh also knows now that his parents helped me sometimes. (He doesn't have y.t expenses btw) and him not a cent. And he was struggling apparently. And if Ds knows that his bubba game something itl l get passed on only.
Am I adding fuel to the fire by disclosing?

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:17 pm

I agree with Aqua and others. Your in laws sent you and them a gift. You need to thank them and teach your children to thank them. It isn't a hand out and it doesn't have anything to do with your ex. The nicest way to thank them happens to also be the way that will get across to them how you are using the $$. A Win-Win! Write to them and thank them for the $. Say "Rivki was so excited to get her own machzor," and Dovid looks so handsome in his new jacket." Or send a picture of Rivki holding the machzor and Dovid in the jacket. If Rivki and Dovid are old enough to write or even to draw, have them send them a note or drawing too.

As I said above, I really do understand the sensitivity here, but your not doing this is harmful to you and not kind to your in-laws. Also, it is good chinuch.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:22 pm

I am not there and I don't know every detail. But seems to me that turning this into a gift for the kids is a way to defuse it. Your ex-ILs are not giving you a gift to the exclusion of your XDH, they are giving the children -- his children and yours - a gift. Also, DS shouldn't think that his grandparents don't care anything about him if they obviously do. This situation sounds painful for you but also confusing for the kids. Seems to me that the kids should know that their grandparents care about them.

zaq

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:35 pm

Haven’t read thread and may be duplicating othets but I’d send a TY note saying “dc really appreciate the (whatever it was you bought with the money, or what you invested it in). You dont have to send an itemized list of every pair of socks and share of stocks. And btw this is no more than common courtesy, nothing to with justifying yourself.