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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
In laws gave me some money for yom tov.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:48 am
oy. op it sounds like you are in hard spot. I can't see any problem with you mentioning to your inlaws how you are so excited about the beautiful dress you bought your dd with the money you got etc. and you are so grateful. Can you ask someone who has more experience with divorces about how to handle the children? My gut says that your children should know that that their grandparents love and care about them but I understand that things are complicated.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:17 am
amother wrote:
oy. op it sounds like you are in hard spot. I can't see any problem with you mentioning to your inlaws how you are so excited about the beautiful dress you bought your dd with the money you got etc. and you are so grateful. Can you ask someone who has more experience with divorces about how to handle the children? My gut says that your children should know that that their grandparents love and care about them but I understand that things are complicated.


The kids know they are loved and cared for because of the weekly contact.

I don't see this as a bribe. I see it more that they are supplementing funds for their grandchild.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:20 am
op said that one of the kids won't talk to his grandmother...
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iyar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:23 am
amother wrote:
oy....
My gut says that your children should know that that their grandparents love and care about them but I understand that things are complicated.


My gut says the same thing. Tell your kids the new things they got for Yom Tov are from their grandparents. Putting aside all the other family issues and the issue of expressing hakaras hatov for a gift, is this. Let your children know their grandparents love them. Kids can never get too much love. It does sound as if your family dynamic is complicated and that's just another reason that this is a gift you can give your kids.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:58 am
OP, I have a very ultra wealthy relative, like the type that has built the buildings of some prominent yeshivos...and at their son's Bar Mitzvah, he thanked his grandfather (my great-uncle) for buying him his Tefillin. You think his parents needed the money?

It's about connection and love, and this boy's grandfather loved him and bought him his Tefillin, though for his parents, a pair of Tefillin (pricey for lots of us) is no big deal. His parents taught him Hakaras Hatov - to thank those who buy him gifts - because it's not about the money or the item, but rather about the relationship.

It sounds like your x-in-laws are seeking a relationship with your children by helping out with YT expenses for them. Not telling your kids about it and teaching them to reciprocate in that relationship by thanking them for the gift and letting the grandparents enjoy knowing what the kids got (no, not to the last detail, but just, basically....or one or two things...) sort of defeats the purpose for them....which is likely the root of why you may have heard some negative feedback thru the grapevine.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:23 pm
I think it is really sad so many posters equate love and caring with money. This is so off and maybe why the community is so materialistic.

I equate showing love and caring with contact with grandparents. I rather my kids appreciate the person rather than the things that person can do. My side is wealthier by far and can give lovelier presents. I think it shows nothing about how much they are loved. DH's side comes more often and does things with the kids. To give of yourself rather than write a check is meaningful.

Would OP's children be any less loved and cared for in ex DH's parents had no extra money?
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iyar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:01 pm
Squishy wrote:
I think it is really sad so many posters equate love and caring with money. This is so off and maybe why the community is so materialistic.

I equate showing love and caring with contact with grandparents. I rather my kids appreciate the person rather than the things that person can do. My side is wealthier by far and can give lovelier presents. I think it shows nothing about how much they are loved. DH's side comes more often and does things with the kids. To give of yourself rather than write a check is meaningful.

Would OP's children be any less loved and cared for in ex DH's parents had no extra money?


To answer your final question- no, not at all.
There are many ways to express and demonstrate love. There are so many things my husband does for me that mean a lot more than a ten carat diamond. Having said that, buying a wife extravagant jewelry is in fact one way of showing affection.
Have you read op's posts? Her family situation is difficult. There's a good chance her in-laws feel that they're limited in the ways they can reach out to their grandchildren. Also, they may see a real need for someone to step up and pay for their grandchildren's needs.
Op is having such a hard time letting her kids know they're receiving gifts from grandparents and allowing them to say thank you. I'm not sure she's comfortable with providing the means for a lot of contact, which you feel (not incorrectly) would be a more fitting way for grandparents to show their love.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:26 pm
iyar wrote:
To answer your final question- no, not at all.
There are many ways to express and demonstrate love. There are so many things my husband does for me that mean a lot more than a ten carat diamond. Having said that, buying a wife extravagant jewelry is in fact one way of showing affection.
Have you read op's posts? Her family situation is difficult. There's a good chance her in-laws feel that they're limited in the ways they can reach out to their grandchildren. Also, they may see a real need for someone to step up and pay for their grandchildren's needs.
Op is having such a hard time letting her kids know they're receiving gifts from grandparents and allowing them to say thank you. I'm not sure she's comfortable with providing the means for a lot of contact, which you feel (not incorrectly) would be a more fitting way for grandparents to show their love.


Maybe you misread the weekly contact part. Maybe you misread the part that ex-dil has more contact with her ex's parents than he does. OP doesn't seem to be the problem here.

The in-laws are supplementing OP support of her children. That it is a wonderful thing. But to teach OP's children that is love is wrong.

My DH can buy me wonderful diamonds. Does that show love or success? Does he love me 8 times more because than your DH because he has the means to buy a 4 karat diamond and yours can only afford a half. You drank too much of Dr beers' koolaid if you think along those lines.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 5:55 pm
No one has mentioned the fact that OP heard this through the grape vine. Not everything we hear through the grapevine is accurate.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:16 pm
Would OP's children be any less loved and cared for in ex DH's parents had no extra money?

OP here
Kids know that the gparents are interested in a relationship and care in their ways.
On Fridays if bubba calls before I get to call she always asks to speak to each of them if they are available. This never happened before the divorce. So this isn't natural for them. And I recognise this as a huge thing from her part.
The sad thing is that dc know about the fathers strained relations with them.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Oct 04 2017, 4:38 am
before the divorce did the kids have a relationship with the grandparents. You say the phone call thing is new?
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