Tzedaka Conlicts: How Can I Not Give?

InnerMe

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:49 am

I was walking down the street yesterday and saw a woman collecting tzedaka. She was holding up a big poster that said her story.

I always feel conflicted about giving. On the one hand I feel so bad, about her situation, and about the fact that she has to do this emotionally draining, demeaning and demoralizing task to put put food on the table. Add to that, that people look right through her as if she's invisible.
My heart constricts just to watch the repeated rejections these people face.

On the other hand, if I give anything more then a few coins for every collector on the street I'd be bankrupt soon. And to give just a few coins feels so little. Like seriously?? A penny? A quarter will help this woman? I know it will but it feel so petty for the giant issues she has.
I'd love to give her a twenty dollar bill or more.

It might be more my own issue, that I don't feel good unless I feel like I'm really giving what this person needs, and can't bear walking away when they are so obviously desperate.

What are your thoughts on this?

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:01 pm

I give a dollar to everyone unless I constantly meet them. It doesn't cost me more then $100 a year.

My husband used to give a dollar to everyone but he ended up giving over $10 at one davening in shul so he made a budget of how much he will give those who approach him in shul. He gives to the first few every week until he meets his budget.

We are struggling financially ourselves. Otherwise we would give more.

Boca00

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 5:49 pm

I hardly see anyone collecting so I usually give a few dollars. If it was more often, I would prob do a dollar.

I was recently stopped by a woman but I didn't have cash so she asked me to buy her a cake for yomtov with my credit card. It was more than I would've given her if I had the change, but I was happy to give her something I know she would use.

Like the poster above me mentioned, most important is your smile and kind words. Just as you wrote in your OP, I'm sure many people just look through them or ignore them.

studying_torah

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 7:21 pm

I was recently approached by a woman who claimed she was waiting for 2 hours for her acces-a-ride and wanted me to pay for her taxi. I gave her a dollar , with very mixed feelings, bec the story really did not ring true.
She was very upset at me for only giving her a dollar, even though I was very apologetic that I couldn't give her more.
You have to be very careful, sometimes ppl have gotten violent if they feel they did not get enough.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 9:27 pm

When it comes to giving it's very tricky I'll give you a few guidelines of how to tell if the person is really poor or not
Number one those big companies that advertise in every single newspaper are not necessarily real a lot of them are people's personal companies and they just take all the money for themselves yes I know for a fact!
Number to the woman on 13th Avenue in Borough Park a lot of them are actually is Becca stanion woman they wear kerchiefs or t I chel s on their heads and everyone thinks they're Jewish but guess what they're actually Muslim
Number three if someone is Jewish (and emotionally healthy) usually they do not collect on the streets, there are people out there that could help them and they know it.
Number four The people that knock on doors you have to be careful sometimes they're safe and sometimes they're not if they're coming from a mosdos and they have a haskama they are probably more reliable.

Number 5 my father has been working alongside Israelis that come collecting. I have been living in Israel- Yerushalmi's I know their mentality .most Israelis today's days are financially stable and the ones that are not financially stable will come and collect in the United States they will only go to shuls or they will go to addresses of people that are known for their money most of them do not knock from door-to-door if their situation is really dire. Sometimes they do.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 12:24 am

Some of them are not even Jewish ask them a question and see how they answer. I heard a Puerto Rican went around Purim dressed and told people he made 900 dollars. If I see someone I know is needy I give a nice amount the others get a dollar or if I'm suspicious nothing

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 12:36 am

I work in mental health field. I don't give to people on the street. Many use it for alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and worse.
A place I worked once had a lady come in collecting, said she was mugged, assaulted etc and can we give her money for a taxi home. The clinic manager offered a landline phone to call a loved one and offered to call the police. She refused, just wanted money. The manager refused and said no one here will give money but she can make a phone call- and she left in a huff. A year later she tried she same thing, same story.
I have seen people collecting throw coins back at people, upset at the amount.
I have seen people refuse food.
I saw someone collecting go into the closest grocery and buy alcohol.

Personally, if I feel safe and have with me, I offer something healthy and ready to eat. But if they harass me to give, I won't give anything.

InnerMe

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 1:20 am

Wow, amothers chocolate, saddlebrown, and royal blue- you've given me some food for thought. It would never dawn on me that a lady on 13th ave with a kerchief and tznius clothing would not be jewish. And amother who said to ask a question on judaism- thats a good idea.
And asking to show a haskama is also a great idea.

And to amother saddlebrown: you are so right. It's scary to think what some of these 'collectors' may be using my money for. So it boils down to how to tell truth from fiction.

I think it's also that I feel emotionally cheated. You put on that sorry, sad face, and some raggy clothes.. and I'm gypped into feeling sympathy for you and a desire to make it better for you.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 5:41 am

InnerMe wrote:

I have no problem saying "NO" to someone I don't want to give tzedakah to. While it is worthy to give to all that ask, it is also ok to pick and choose the people you give tzedakah to.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 7:49 am

amother wrote:

This breaks my heart. The money could have gone to a young mother who needs help , a family who is facing gas shutoff, a family who's having sleepless nights because of a myriad of stressors that could be easily addressed with 900 dollars.

amother

Gold

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 9:05 am

I live in Jerusalem.
The few times that I shop in Geulah neighborhood (I usually send my kids on errands and shopping): Geulah/Rechov Malchei Yisrael is lined with people nebbach asking for tzedakkah:

We, personally, are also in a difficult financial situation, but still I want to give s/thing to these people. I do not size them up if they are emotionally/mentally sick, if they really need the money, if they're Jewish or not e.t.c e.t.c
It's hard to know, AND - I really am not interested in knowing.

I look at it that Hashem put these human beings asking for tzedakkah on Geulah streets while I'm walking on those streets. I take out 1 shekel coins and put it into my pocket so that I don't have to open my purse when giving tzedakkah to the people. And as I pass each person asking for tzedakkah I give her/him a 1 shekel coin with a smile and some warm words e.g. if it's Erev Yom Tov, I'll say "Chag Sameiach". During Elul/Tishrei - "Shanah Tovah."
On a regular day - "Besuros Tovos" or "Refuah Sheleimah" or "yom tov" (have a good day)
e.t.c

I sometimes get such lovely brochos from them to which I sincerely answer, "Amen." And it makes me so happy when I evoke a smile from a downtrodden person.

I show them that firstly and most importantly they are human beings in my eyes, and that I really want to give them something.

Like I said, I make no cheshbonos who they are, why, what? and while giving I ask Hashem that He Should Help these people and also Help my family in our difficult financial situation.

This is my give on this mitzvah.

A beautiful Yom Tov Succos to all the dearest Imamothers.

imasoftov

Thu, Oct 05 2017, 1:35 pm

nw11 wrote:

Give a few coins with a smile and a warm encouraging word If Hashem wanted you to give more, He'd had given you the means to do so ...

I wonder if the same reasoning could also be applied to when someone who isn't Jewish receives tzedaka - Hashem wanted them to get it. One doesn't have to go as far as Rambam who says that Chazal commanded us to support non-Jewish poor people (Hil. Melachim 10:12 but one at least isn't forbidden from doing so (Yoreh Deah 151:12). It doesn't fulfill Matanot L'evyonim on Purim, so if one has enough coins perhaps it might be preferable to give to more than two poor people on Purim rather than interrogate two people to make sure they're Jewish, seeing as how you don't ask questions about how poor someone is on Purim, either.

amother

Brunette

Sat, Oct 07 2017, 4:02 pm

amother wrote:

Number to the woman on 13th Avenue in Borough Park a lot of them are actually is Becca stanion woman they wear kerchiefs or t I chel s on their heads and everyone thinks they're Jewish but guess what they're actually Muslim

Should that say Pakistanian?

amother

Babypink

Sat, Oct 07 2017, 10:16 pm

For all of those feeling bad about giving just a coin:
I know what it's like to have not one penny to your name. For $.25 I was able to buy a nectarine. That was a huge treat for me. I honestly did not know how I would eat my next meal, but I had a quarter in my wallet...

(Baruch HaShem, He takes care of me, and things are a lot better than they were then.)

When you give someone who has absolutely nothing, even 1 coin, it can add up to be used to buy a loaf of bread, or a fruit.

Now, I agree with the posters who say that you don't just give to anyone because there are a lot of charlatans, and we don't have unlimited funds, but if you do plan on giving, even a tiny amount, given to someone who really needs it, can make a big difference.