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I am having a very hard time hosting families. Need advice!
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 8:29 am
We've had those kind of issues with certain families that we've invited. Their kids were jumping on the couch in shoes, pulling on curtains ,repeatedly banging into my furniture deliberately and taking cookie after cookie, licking it before putting it down and taking another one without the parents making a peep. My husband and I had to tell them to get off the couch, stop pulling the curtains and take the dessert platter away whenever they approached. VERY uncomfortable! I do not understand parents like that
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 8:33 am
slinky wrote:
I disagree with you about restaurants. We were in a restaurant recently a (very average one not an upscale one) that the waitress/waiter constantly came over to our table to tell us to clean up after our 2 year old dd since she was making a mess on the floor around her area only. We politely told them wer'e really sorry but this is what 2 year olds do and we will definitely clean up when she is done however to constantly clean up while she is eating just makes no sense. When they did not leave us alone dh did complain to the manager about it. We were paying for the service too and if a restaurant allows kids in they do have to understand that while kids are eating they might make a mess around them. Before we left we made sure the floor and hi chair was pefectly clean.


As a guest, the mess around your table doesn't interfere with me. But when parents go to restaurants with large families, and the kids are playground loud, that does.

I have been going out to eat with my kids at least once a week since they were infants. I never allowed my kids to make messes or loud noises in restaurants. It is not what ALL two year olds do.

I would cut up their food and remove their plate rather than inconvience others.

http://www.parenting.com/artic.....dlers

I think it also makes a difference if the resturant is family friendly or upscale. I don't expect the same behavior in a burger joint that I do in a steak resturant. When I am paying top dollar, I expect a certain level of civility.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 8:46 am
This is why I don't eat out with my children except for family. We have normal children who will test limits in any new home, and it is not enjoyable for me to follow my children around someone else's house to ensure respectful behavior, which is what a parent really needs to do. I also invite lonely singles or divorcees, etc (people without children) to my home as opposed to families. Some of our singles are challenging personalities, so I am still working hard for my hachnosos orchim, but I really feel all my energy is used up right now parenting my own children, and I need to focus on only my kids behavior at meals. Our singles enjoy the opportunity to be with a family with kids, so it is a win-win situation.

On the flip side, when we were younger and had two kids, and accepted invitations, I was once invited to a home where the dining room floors had just been refinished. I cautioned my two year old to keep her push toy in the living room to avoid scratching my host's new floor, and was scolded by the hosts "you have to let her play in here! This is normal for a two year old!". So eating out can be so tricky, everyone has such different expectations for how to treat a home, I prefer not to eat out or invite with children.
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 8:46 am
I did not read all the responses but I can say one thing. Having large family by no means means that you have excuse to behave the way the OP described her guests behaving. That's the attitude of the mom reciprocating on kids. Allowing them to be pigs. I don't allow this behavior in my home and my kids behave well and respectful by anyone hosting us and yes we do get re invited to same families. And I get compliments on how well my kids behave. They do have ups and downs at home. Kids r kids but that what they should be kids not pigs.
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Petra




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 9:38 am
Because most people's kids that I know are often messy or unruly, I don't invite them for meals. I prefer the older couples, singles, etc. I can't stand watching a kid make a mess on the carpet or on the walls and not have the parent clean up. So, I avoid it altogether.
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purple 1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 9:51 am
There is inappropriate and appropriate kids behavior at a table. Kids, particulary toddlers are just learning how to eat with a fork and knife, so yes there will be more food accidentally dropped so more to sweep up after the meal. But a child deliberately throwing food or dropping it on the floor is not ok and you can expect the parents to stop it.
Op the behavior your describing isn't normal children's behavior- children shouldn't jump on couches, jump on challah....
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Optimystic




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 9:58 am
amother wrote:
If not for my kids I would just be done. I would only invite empty-nesters or singles..


As someone with no children and currently unmarried, I can tell you I and people like me would greatly appreciate the invitation. At least in my community, we don't get invited out much, and I can assure you, we do not jump on couches or crawl on the table Very Happy
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 10:01 am
amother wrote:
As someone with no children and currently unmarried, I can tell you I and people like me would greatly appreciate the invitation. At least in my community, we don't get invited out much, and I can assure you, we do not jump on couches or crawl on the table Very Happy


Then you are always welcome at our table ; )
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BrachaC




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 10:31 am
From experience I can say that the transition from kiruv into the frum world can be jarring in more than a couple of ways. I definitely find hosting families much more exhausting than the other types of company we have hosted in the past. The play room is often wrecked, the boys are almost always bored (we are a girl house)... Being the hostess who also has to parent the extra 4 or 5 kids that have come for lunch is difficult. You are serving, clearing, and trying to make people comfortable while you watch your house fall apart. It definitely has to be a group project- kids, spouse, other adults. I started taking people up on their "what can I bring" and asking people to start the clean up process before they leave. I also have a lot less company then I used to!
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 10:39 am
There's some disconnect here. I'm sure every single person responding to this thread would say she would never allow her kids to do all of the things listed by op. Yet op says this is very common and happens routinely. Which is it???
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 10:48 am
amother wrote:
There's some disconnect here. I'm sure every single person responding to this thread would say she would never allow her kids to do all of the things listed by op. Yet op says this is very common and happens routinely. Which is it???


Not quite. Read Blue's post oon the first page.

blue wrote:
Who cares if they bounce a little on the couch?


The has 8 likes so far. It also has 11 hugs. I don't know whether they are hugs or dislikes.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 10:49 am
I really do think there are different types of families. We've had over a large family that didn't do any of those things but we've also had kids who trashed our playroom.
I do think that that sometimes larger families have more cleaning help...

I know a mother of a large family who said she has an agreement with her sister who is also a mother of a large family that they don't bother trying to clean up, it's a bigger help to just leave so that the kids don't make more of a mess while the mother tries to clean up...

there is also a certain demographic on imamother- not sure how many mothers of lots of little kids are hanging out on imamother...
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 10:53 am
Squishy wrote:
The has 8 likes so far. It also has 11 hugs. I don't know whether they are hugs or dislikes.


It's just blue, which is like 1 out of 25, and even she said some of this is not normal. Ok is indicating this is standard procedure where she lives. Something's off.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 11:13 am
Op, as u see here that there are so many different views regarding parenting. Some ppl. Kids will jump on ur couch only bc they are bored but in their house they have toys or cards to play with or a separate playroom....

Im not saying this is right but it could be the mom is feeling frustrated bc the kids are bored. Also, yes some parents let their kids take cookies away from the table as one person told me, I have a small apt so I let them take food everywhere and it is easy for me to clean up. I never invited that person again for a meal (only a playdate where I made it clear after lunch bc I cant handle food everywhere).

Everyone is different for eexample boys are more wild while if a family has older girls they may be more behaved. I can definitely see both points of view. I know many ppl. Whose kids are bored and will act like they are in the playground jumping on the couch. What is so wrong about this?(im only afraid of them and breaking a limb) but also if a child is used to bringing food all over their house it is hard to enforce a "food only at the table" rule. Maybe those mothers figure to let the kids make a mess and shell clean it at night when kids are asleep.

I also see your point of view where you have rules in place that your kids are in habit and it makes it easier to clean up. But, if you are so stressed hosting families with kids, I would invite singles or older ....for meals and?maybe invite a specific girl or boy for yom tov / shabbos afternoon to play with your children such that you can supervise and make sure they are not bored but at the same time not have to deal with food messes.

Another thing is it seems u dont have babies now, so maybe u "forgot" that if a mom is watching her baby or toddler , it may be hard for her to supervise her older children such that she thinks they are fine bc they are playing with your kids.

Im glad u brought this up bc ppl. Always say they are hosting families and this is why I cant and do not host. Also, since everyone has veru different house rules and different parenting styles, you are fighting a losing battle by trying to get your guests kids to follow your rules when they have a habit of the opposite.


Regarding ppl. Not reciprocating. Do u only invite ppl. So that theyll invite u back??? Im asking this bc like I said, I cant manage hosting but if someone invited me I would think it is nice and they can handle more than I . I would not be able to reciprocate. If these families are having challenging children who behave as you described, then obviously these parents cant reciprocate. Do ppl. Really invite others expecting for that person to invite them back to their house???u initiated the invite, why expect them to reciprocate? Not everyone is able to manage hosting as you explained you cant but do it for your kids.
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 11:13 am
amother wrote:
It's just blue, which is like 1 out of 25, and even she said some of this is not normal. Ok is indicating this is standard procedure where she lives. Something's off.


Probably the type of mother that has many kids close together and allows them to wreck a house in her full view is not the typical demographic for this website.

OP- gonna echo everyone and say this is unacceptable. So don't accept it. Don't invite them and come up with other ways for your kids to make friends. The worst I've had were kids who got crumbs everywhere (ie, not eating at the table), but a sweep at the end and no harm done. It's surprising that your entire community is like this, but I don't doubt your story.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 11:19 am
Some kids are more destructive than others. Some parents are stricter than others. Some people have different standards of behavior. It's a bad match when rowdy kids with lenient parents visit a tidy family.

Personally, I have no problem enforcing my own house rules (food and drink at the table only, no shoes on the furniture, no throwing toys). But I have learned not to assume that the rules are the same everywhere, so visitors may need to be (politely, respectfully) informed and reminded.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 11:28 am
amother wrote:
It's just blue, which is like 1 out of 25, and even she said some of this is not normal. Ok is indicating this is standard procedure where she lives. Something's off.


What is off is her position is not defensible. She posted and got jumped on.

I have experienced what OP has and then some.
There is culture shock when you are not used to this.

I once told the daughter of a guest not to stand on my white couch. Her mother deliberately placed the bottom of her own feet on that couch. I then told her not to let her daughter mix up the game pieces and to only take out one game at a time. She then argued wth me that it is creative play. These were games like mousetrap, scrabble, monopoly, and life. I spent hours sorting out her creative play. This was over a 3 day yom tov.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 12:20 pm
There's no rule you have to host. Except maybe a beggar knocking at your door starving. Most hosting today is NOT the mitzvah of orchim.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 12:31 pm
Trying to be DLKZ here: Is it possible that the community had a parenting class which argued for more relaxed standards, "let kids be kids"? That would explain why everyone is on the same page with ignoring kid rowdiness.

I don't think you should tolerate it at all. I'd use the opportunity to educate, though. "Oh, ___ I see you are jumping on the couch! In your house you must have a rule that you are allowed to jump on the couch. In our house, though, there is a no jumping on the couch rule. Let me help you down. Would you like to jump on the floor or the trampoline?"

The only one I agree with blue on is the spilled juice. I don't know where you keep your dish towels, your paper towels, or napkins, and am probably too flustered in the moment to come up with a coherent way of asking. If you hand me a towel or let me know where they are and where to put it when it is wet, I'll gladly clean up.

You may find it productive to discuss it with the moms head on: "I've noticed that this community seems much more relaxed about parenting! I'd love to hear more about your parenting philosophy."
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FineOrthodox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 09 2017, 12:49 pm
Maybe those parents don't say anything to their kids because op is (too)nice, (too relaxed) and or doesn't say it to their face?
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