Four year old keeps lying. What should I do?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Brunette

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 1:36 pm

My four year old lies all the times and I really don't know how I'm suppose to react when he does this. For example yesterday I said whoever cleans up their room gets a treat. He came over to me looking so sincere and said he cleaned up. Later I discovered that not a thing was put away (I do try to check so not to even give the opportunity to lie, but I was nursing the baby...) Or today I was missing something. I know my son liked it so I asked him about it. He told me and my husband he doesn't have it and doesn't know were it is. I asked him if he was saying the truth and he said yes. I just found it in his drawer when I went to get something for him (once I found it there he admitted he put it there). This happens on a daily basis. He one time told me that he didnt say the truth because he doesnt want me to get upset. I tried explaining to him that mommy will get a little upset if he says the truth but very upset if he doesnt. Hasn't made a difference. I tried explaining to him that I cant trust him if he doesnt say the truth, but I dont think he gets that concept. I also try telling him how disappointed I feel when he does that but that hasnt changed anything... Any ideas what to do? Is this normal and will just pass or something to worry abut?

mommy3b2c

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 2:44 pm

Normal. Just keep teaching him right from wrong and he'll get it eventually. Little kids don't lie, they say things the way they want them to be.

Boca00

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 4:39 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Normal. Just keep teaching him right from wrong and he'll get it eventually. Little kids don't lie, they say things the way they want them to be.

Agreed. Love how you put this.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 7:43 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Normal. Just keep teaching him right from wrong and he'll get it eventually. Little kids don't lie, they say things the way they want them to be.

Thanks

. I like how you put it. but how should I be teaching him right from wrong? I should just keep telling him nicely every time he does this we dont lie just to have him do it again 10 mintus later? Show him I feel sad about how hes acting? Should I mostly just ignore it and let him continue like this and hope he'll out grow it - its really frustrating and I'd love to be able to teach him this now (I know that I always have to expect some lying all kids do, but this is all day, and I never know if could trust what he answers me or what he says)

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:32 pm

One way I heard of dealing with this, is when the child lies, say "that's a story, now tell me what really happened (or now tell me the truth)" and when the child says something far fetched, say "are you telling me a story?" Or "that's an interesting / exciting story! But it didn't really happen"

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:35 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Little kids don't lie, they say things the way they want them to be.

Just wrote this out on a napkin to hang on my fridge! Thanks!

Laiya

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 9:06 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks

Mommy3b2c is exactly right.

I think at this age, you want to try not to let the situation happen. Don't ask him questions that give him the opportunity to lie in response. Just assume you can't trust him. (As others said, this is normal for 5 year olds.)

If you told him he gets a treat for cleaning up, don't ask him if he cleaned up, just go check.

Sometimes my kids will tell me they cleaned up and in their mind, they did. Since my standards are different than theirs, I don't call it lying, I just move on. "We're not done yet. Do you see those blocks on the floor? Where do they go?", etc.

If something is missing and you suspect he took it, don't ask him if he took it; tell him to go check his drawer. And then go check together with him.

And when you find the item in his drawer, tell him that since he took it when he wasn't supposed to [assuming he'd been warned not to touch it], you're going to have to put it somewhere where he won't be tempted to take it.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 9:08 pm

This is certainly very frustrating, but I agree with other posters that it is pretty normal at that age and not something to worry about. I am not an expert, but my gut feelings is to make as little of a deal about it as possible. All the explaining and discussing may be giving it too much attention and be subtly reinforcing his doing this.

For example, when you found he didn't actually clean up, say something like: "Oh, sweetie, I thought you said you cleaned up in here. I guess I didn't understand what you said. Next time Mommy will just come look at the room before we get our treats."

When you found the thing he put in his drawer, maybe just announce, not even to him directly, "Oh, here is the thing we were looking for. I guess it somehow ended up in ___'s drawer. I'm glad it isn't lost."

Just my thought. I wonder if when he sees he doesn't get a rise out of you he will do this less.

ETA: one of my children (a few years older than your DS) sometimes tells me things that happened in school that seem unrealistic. I will hear her out. Then ask if it really happened and then if I should check with her morah. At that point she will say that she made it up. Instead of reprimanding her for "lying" I will try to figure out what prompted her to say this. Is something bothering her in school and this is her way of expressing it? But if she was 4 I think I would just let it slide and say something vague like, "that's interesting" and then move on.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Oct 12 2017, 1:30 pm

Kids can be told not to say things that aren't true. Even if they would wish them true.

amother

Mint

Fri, Oct 13 2017, 5:53 am

My 4 year old is like this too. One suggestion I saw on this site somewhere was the concept of a 'safe minute' - that you have a minute where your kid can tell you anything and you promise not to be angry. It took several tries for my 4 year old to get the concept (my husband and I role-played it until she understood), but I've found this helps somewhat. It doesn't always help, but better sometimes than nothing.

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