Help! Separation anxiety

amother

Mint

Mon, Oct 16 2017, 8:33 pm

Please help me deal with my kindergartner's separation anxiety! (Sorry for long post, just want to include any details that might help.)

She just turned 4 and is in a private kindergarten. The teacher has a more no-nonsense personality than her warm-and-fuzzy teacher from last year, but she's very sweet to my DD. The first week of school was fine, then she started complaining that she doesn't want to go to school. Those first couple of weeks were tough because due to the chagim there was a lot of stopping and starting, two days here, three days there... so she never really got a chance to get used to it.

She's refusing to go with her carpool (another change this year, I drove her last year, but she did go happily for the first week or so) and is very sad at dropoff every day. She comes home happy and is always cheerful when I pick her up, but she spends a LOT of time at home saying that she doesn't want to go to school. And she cries. It's heartbreaking Crying

She has lots of reasons for not wanting to go, many of them excuses like she doesn't like the color of the walls or she doesn't like the snack, and she has some friends but doesn't know all of the other kids and sometimes has complaints about them. Nothing serious. What resonates most is that she just misses me. Before Sukkos she would cry for a second and then stop immediately after I dropped her off, today she cried for a lot longer but still came home happy.

The teacher is quite adamant that once I get her back into the carpool she'll be fine. I say one adjustment at a time but I don't know if it's really making it harder for her when I drop her off. For now I'm going to drive her for the rest of the week and see how it goes, but I'm looking for strategies to deal with her crying at home about it. Now, when she cries, I validate and empathize but she just cries that she wants to stay home with me. What do I say to her? (I just ordered The Kissing Hand and hoping that will help.)

No major life changes, no new baby, no new house, nothing like that. She cried at dropoff last year too but never at home - now she's old enough to think about it when it's not school time. She's generally a really happy and cheerful kid, and this is worrying me, though she's never said anything to make me think that there's anything bigger going on.

Any advice from the wise Imamothers? Very Happy

amother

cornflower

Mon, Oct 16 2017, 10:16 pm

I am a pre-school teacher. I think you are doing a great job validating your daughter, and I think it was smart of you to drive her. There have been so few full weeks of school so far it is completely normal that your daughter is reacting this way. She is probably anxious at the mere thought of driving in someone else car to a new place she barely knows yet with new children. She probably doesn't even know all the other kids names yet, let alone be fully comfortable with her teachers yet.
Perhaps try talking to her about what you do when she is at school...(mommy goes to work/cleans/cooks/shops while you have fun painting/coloring/playing, and then mommy picks you up). Also, I have had instances of a child crying excessively at home about not wanting to go to school, and then it coming out that the child is extremely worried that something will happen to her mommy/tatty/family while she is in school.
As an aside, do you walk your daughter in and stay with her for some time?

amother

Mint

Mon, Oct 16 2017, 10:28 pm

Thanks cornflower.

I told her about my day today (I work from home so my very exciting day consisted of working and doing laundry Very Happy

, I even took her along on errands after school) and talked to her about how much fun she had. And her answer was that she only had a little bit of fun and she wants to stay home and play while I work, and "I won't be bored." What do you say to that??

I do walk her in but her teacher is firmly in the "rip-off-the-BandAid" camp and doesn't want me to stick around. Which I understand, because last year when I stuck around she still cried when I left, so don't know if it helped. I talk to the teacher briefly and then hand her off.

It makes me so sad and I'm just worried about what she may not be telling me.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult too as she's still out of sorts from Yom Tov (we were away from home) and didn't go to sleep nicely.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Oct 16 2017, 10:45 pm

As far as tomorrow goes, it is expected that the first day after a break is going to be harder and there will be crying. Maybe for tomorrow work out a treat with her that she will get when you pick her up, if you think that is the sort of thing that will help her calm down when you leave.
I am one of those 'rip off the band aid type' teachers (I call it tough love) and highly encourage parents to not even get out of there car. Obviously beginning of the year and after breaks is a different story...

imasinger

Mon, Oct 16 2017, 11:23 pm

You might try arranging some playdates, so that she looks forward to playing with ours she knows in school.

You might try putting loving or funny notes with pictures for her to find in her lunch.

I wouldn't necessarily make anything of her crying, or try to reward her for not doing so. You can acknowledge the emotion without showing any impact. Crying or not, she still has to start her school day. The less attention she gets from you for crying when you leave, the more likely she is to stop.

amother

Amber

Tue, Oct 17 2017, 4:01 am

I had a camp carpool a couple of years ago and there was one boy who would cry hysterically when his mom brought him out to the car in the morning. She had warned us that he was an anxious kid and even invited us over before camp started so he could meet the moms and kids he'd be carpooling with. It was a smart idea but didn't really help. I ended up going to the dollar store and buying a bunch of stickers and cheap prizes. I announced that any child who behaved on the way to camp and didn't cry would get a prize when we got there. It didn't take more than a couple of trips before he stopped crying entirely so he could get a prize too. Maybe you can buy some prizes to supply to the other carpool drivers if you think your daughter would go for it.

In terms of school, your daughter may just need time to adjust now that Yom Tov is done. You can help her by playing school at home with dolls or stuffed animals. Talk to her teacher to get an idea of the daily schedule and a class list and find out what songs they sing. Role play at home so your daughter can get more familiar with the idea.

amother

Mint

Tue, Oct 17 2017, 10:41 am

Thanks to both of you.

She was still very sad this morning. It's not the dropoff crying that's getting to me (I know it's normal) but the crying at home. Literally half the time she's crying that she doesn't want to go to school. This is a happy-go-lucky kid, it's not like her.

She knows all of the kids and mothers in the carpool, they live right near us and they play together a lot. But she freaks whenever I mention carpool, so I'm holding off on that for now even though the teacher may not like it.

I tried just staying very matter-of-fact today and not giving too much attention to the crying, but I don't want her to feel like I'm just ignoring her...