#autismisaDIFFability

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 7:54 am

We live in a world where Hashem has hidden Himself in our illusion to control.

Press a switch - a light comes on. Or a television - remotely. Use birth control and you won't have a kid. Do the genetic testing and there won't be anything wrong with your kid. Exercise, eat healthy - and you won't get sick.

But guess what? This feeling of control is a illusion.

If it is decreed on shamayim that you will have a kid with autism - you will. Even if you are younger. Even you use birth control. Even if you eat healthy. Even if whatever.

What CAN you do? You have a choice. You can see it as tragedy, or you can embrace it.

People with autism are building your world. Inventing technology. Writing books. Composing music. While you neurotypicals are sitting around "socializing".

And guess what? We are not disabled. We are differently abled. We help you. We invent cool stuff for you. We connect the dots of the world differently to you - and it leads to innovation. When we innovate, we are modeling the work of the Ribbono shel Olam. Some of us can't speak. We give you opportunities to fulfil your mission in this world. To do acts of chessed.

Sometimes we find socializing difficult. We can see a maths formula and understand it at a glance. But we can enter a room full of people chatting and not understand what is going on. What is expected? What must I do? And sometimes it really really hurts to look at your face.

So, you neurotypical you! Make an effort. Help us out. We break down difficult concepts so you can understand them, help us break down the room. What is going on ? What will happen next? What is expected of me? Should I sit or stand? Where?

You're so good at socializing! So help me out. Help my kids out. Put up with my lack of eye contact instead of forcing me to conform to your standards. Make an effort to get to know me. Make an effort to know my children. Get past the fact that we look weird. We have a lot to offer.

Don't be afraid of (gasp!) having a child with autism. A child with autism is made in the image of Hashem. He or she will teach you so much. He or she will definitely bring you challenges, but guess what? Everyone has challenges. That is how you grow.

We are people too.

#autismisaDIFFability

(VENT OVER)

amother

Aqua

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 7:58 am

amother wrote:

I wish I was able to accept. But I cannot. After I have seen autistic and disabilities put down my entire life and see people degraded, treated less than, and being hurt. I've been hurt. I don't know if I'll ever see it in a positive light.

At least you can.
Forgive the people like me for what we are unable to do.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 8:05 am

amother wrote:

But of course. I'm not there yet either. If I could do it wholeheartedly I would not need to vent.

But please - learn from Dudi Sela (who refused to complete a tennis match that would go into Yom Kippur. Afterwards he was asked if he was now going to be completely observant). He did not say "לא" (no). He said "עוד לא " (not yet).

Boca00

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 9:13 am

Wow, OP. This is so powerfully written.

Ruchel

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 9:37 am

There are autists who don't do much.
There are non autists who contribute a lot.
Not every quirky inventor is autistic.
Diffability? Play on word. You could say you don't consider it a disability, and that's your right.

amother

Peach

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 11:38 am

Interesting about the topic of what is in our control vs what is not.
Let's say you could control whether or not you/your kid had autism.
If you could press a button and turn autism into neurotypical, would you?

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 11:56 am

Ruchel wrote:

True... It SEEMS that way. But I challenge you Ruchel, and others - this world is a world of illusion. Of הסתר פנים ( hester panim ) (hiddeness)... A world upside down. We are just starting to realize what may be going on with some people who may appear to be doing... Not much.

For example -

Check out this video of Carly Fleischer, and then google her name to see what she is doing...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xMBzJleeOno

Every human being is created in the image of G-d.

בצלם אלקים ברא אותם

In the image of Elokim He created them.

***you may not know what infinite contribution a person is making in this world**

Your job?

דן את כל האדם לכף זכות

To judge EVERY person favorably.

#autismisaDIFFability

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:03 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for the thought provoking question amother peach.

If I am honest with myself - I say "maybe". Sometimes having autism is very very hard. For the person themselves. For those who know them and love them.

BUT then I say - Do I know better than G-d? And I must say NO! He created a person with autism. That is the PERFECT way for that person to be.

You cannot escape the challenges Hashem has in store for you.

Remember -

הכל בידי שמים חוץ מיראת שמים

Everything is in the hands of heaven - except for fear of heaven

It means EVERYTHING

Don't be afraid of autism

#autismisaDIFFability

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:04 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Wow, OP. This is so powerfully written.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

With all due respect, you have no right to judge.

You seem to be exceptionally high functioning. Unless you’ve had a severely autistic child, you can’t know the heartbreak.

I have a high functioning child who has zero executive skills. The amount of work it takes to help him through college every day is insane. Me, my 78 year old father and my husband are all involved for hours and hours weekly because HE wants to take this specific course but can’t do it alone.

And you know what? I don’t have it bad. My kid talks, has great manners and is a better writer than I am. My friend has an 20 year old who is strong, non verbal and a massive behaviour problem and when he was getting very big he was violent at home and for everyone’s safety was sent to a group home where strong, trained people could handle him.

You think I wish things had been different for my son? Yes, I do, because he struggles with depression and anxiety based on the fact that he functions highly enough to know that at 21 he is not like his peers. He is afraid he will not get married and have children because he will never be ready to support them.As every day goes by he is further from his goals in an age related manner. It is heartbreaking. And while most kids his age are starting to launch, I’m helping him to manage his life and trying to get him qualified to do SOMETHING so he can support himself instead of sitting on social disability for life.

And yet, he is a stellar human being. I wouldn’t trade him. If there was a cure, it’d be up to him.

Because we don’t want the hardest road for our children.

Just like I don’t want my other kid to find a same relations partner because that child is bi s-xual. I mean, I’m not anti homosexuality. I just want them to take the easier road since one is very definitely harder than the other, even in today’s more accepting world.

So yes, raise awareness of how great people on the spectrum can be. Encourage people to reach out to them and befriend them. To realize what great treasure they are, just like typical. But don’t judge other parents for being afraid to have them. It’s difficult. More difficult than regular parenting for the most part. Not everyone is cut out for it. No one wants the harder road for their child.

Anonymous because I said things that are not mine to say publically.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:28 pm

amother wrote:

When my child was young, I’d have cured him. Now the choice would be up to him, knowing that some of his hardships that are caused by autism would be resolved and some of his gifts would also disappear.

mha3484

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:30 pm

I have to agree with Apricot. I have a child that has some of the symptoms of HFA as well as some other issues. He so badly wants to have friends and fit in and I will do anything I can to enable that. I could not live with myself if I sat around saying this is how hashem made you sorry darling while he is miserable that the kids wont play with him. Its cruel. Your approach is great for you but please recognize that its not for everyone.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:44 pm

apricot and mha

I feel your pain

Really.

There are many many days that I SCREAM - Hashem please take this nisayon away

And sometimes - I deal with it by trying to turn it around.

And writing really weird threads on the internet.

I get it that people are afraid. I am not JUDGING you. At least what I think I am doing is asking you not to judge me, my husband, my children.

Because if you were not judging us then - I guess we would be less scary

But I fear I may have INADVERTENTLY hurt you. Unfortunately, that is something that people with autism do quite often.

So I sincerely apologize.

Sending you hugs

Hug

#autismisaDIFFability

Ruchel

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:48 pm

amother wrote:

This isn't what I wrote.
I wrote exactly what I wrote.

Of course everyone is made as they should, and every human is tzelem elokim. But some humans are disabled, at least in French. Maybe in USA the truth has become different, or you are not allowed to express it. I don't need or want to rise up to any challenge from an amother especially. FTR I don't believe every form of autism is disabling. But some certainly are.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:52 pm

mha3484 wrote:

.... I could not live with myself if I sat around saying this is how hashem made you sorry darling while he is miserable that the kids wont play with him. Its cruel....

Yes. That is cruel. But I'm not saying that.

But I am saying this-

1. DS - Hashem made you PERFECT just the way you are. You have challenges - we all do. We will work on them together

2. Other kids - stop judging DS. He is not inferior to you. He is DIFFERENT to you. Give him a chance. Get to know him. You will BOTH benefit from the experience.

#autismisaDIFFabiliy

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 12:56 pm

Ruchel - I am thinking about what you wrote. I have much to say about it but the ideas have not yet crystalized into words just yet.

Thank you for your comment.

#autismisaDIFFability

InnerMe

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 1:29 pm

Amother Orchid; you sound like a wonderful person.
Your original post touches me in a way that I can't fully pinpoint.

amother

Plum

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 2:37 pm

My husband is a person with HFA. I would cure him in a heartbeat if I could.

He's a good person, with incredible Torah learning. He is just incapable of forming an emotional connection, or "seeing me" because of his mind blindness.

It's a lonely life I lead, and he's blissfully oblivious to my pain.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 2:38 pm

amother wrote:

Wow- I so relate. We have a HF kid that sounds so very much like yours, depressed and ridden with the same anxieties and also in college and with zero executive skills. When he was little it seemed his exceptional intelligence would enable him to do and be whatever he wanted. Now that he is fullly in the unmediated, adult world we've come crashing down. And we also have a bi-zxual child who I also wholeheartedly wish will take the easier road.
BTW, to the OP, I loved your post, even if I am not sure I entirely agree with it. I have to think about it some more.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 2:39 pm

I'm with Amother apricot and mha.

I would take this way in a minute.

the moment my HFA child was born, my life (and the lives of my other children and husband) was changed FOREVER.

Now in my mind I think of 'life before _______' and 'life after _______'

Sometimes, all I want to do is crawl in a hole and never come out.

guess what? nothing is in our control. absolutely nothing.