Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

OutATowner

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 10:24 pm

My friends usually say "you don't have to pay back" to which I answer "yes, so I can ask you next time." We all borrow/lend pretty equally, as a group, so it works.
But op, you don't have to educate your neighbor. You have to just stop.
If she doesn't have a ride to the store, or maybe she is low in money, then see if there is a way to help the root of the problem. If not, just say no.

amother

Copper

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 10:41 pm

cm wrote:

Interesting. This must be an urban phenomenon. In the 'burbs, by the time you get to your friends' house, you might as well have gone to the store.

Right. In my old neighborhood nobody ever asked me for anything. So when she first asked me it was like a novelty. Kind of cute and old-fashioned almost to have a neighbor run next door to borrow a little this or that. I was glad to oblige. But it has just gotten to be so out of hand now and I am glad to hear across the board that this is not normal and not okay.

RebekahsMom

Wed, Oct 18 2017, 10:54 pm

amother wrote:

I'm surprised how many posters are saying that a few eggs aren't expected to be given back. Why not?

In my case, we don’t eat many eggs. Until my husband’s diet/ surgery, we may have had the same dozen in the fridge for a month. (I only use them for baking). I’d rather see them given away than unused.

abound

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 1:11 am

Unless you specifically said I need it back by this evening then it is okay that she did not return it right away. It could be that she does her shopping on Thursday or Friday morning and will get to it then, up to a week is pretty normal. But everyone should return what they borrow. I have had neighbors return a 1/2 c. barley 2 eggs etc. It would not be too neighborly to just stop, first give her another chance. When she borrows next time, tell her I need the bag of sugar back by tomorrow morning etc. See if it works, if not then you will have to stop.

myname1

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 2:38 am

My neighbors borrow a couple of eggs, a bag of milk, a cup of sugar... all the time, and almost always repay! If I don't have enough to wait a few days or go without, I say sorry, I don't have. Once in a while I ask until when if I know I'll need it the next day- one family returns within a couple of hours usually, another within a couple of weeks- with them I assume I won't get it back and only give if it's not too much to bother me. But I'm with a bunch of Israelis in a big building, so I know it's different.

amother

Olive

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 6:50 am

Growing up, my mother always kept a very stocked fridge and pantry because all the neighbors borrowed from us. We were proud of it - when a new person moved onto the block, we told them, our house is where you can borrow anything you need! Some neighbors had a separate shopping list hanging in their kitchen of everything they owed us and we thought it was so cute.

My mother always tried to give them a closed container of what they needed so that they could return it easily. If she didn't have a closed container, she would say "it's a present" so that they did not have to return it.

Now I live in an apt. building and I always try to say "it's a present" when a neighbor borrows from me so that they don't have to return anything. Since milk is something we tend to run out of, I usually say you can have the container of milk, but I'll need it back by tomorrow.

If I borrow, I ask for a full package so I can return it and if not, I ask if I can have it, so that I do not have to pay back a 1/2 cup of milk or a tsp of baking powder.
I return eggs, even if I just borrowed one and I would return a full cup of sugar, as that's easy to return in a ziplock bag.

pause

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 8:48 am

amother wrote:

Most people don't expect to get back a cup of sugar/flour/oil or an egg or two.....but a whole bag, a dozen eggs, a full carton is a totally different story. of course the neighbor may not know your expectations, that is where you come in....

Why ever not?

I gladly give it to you. But when you ask to borrow, I understand it to be a loan and that you will return it or its equivalent.

I am often the lender among my neighbors. It bothers me that people assume they can keep what I gladly lend when I don't need. Personally, I make sure to be stocked with what I need and if I see I've run out, I make do without. (It's not like my house is empty just because I don't have enough cocoa, and if it is, I better make a grocery run anyway, and not rely on my neighbor.) I just don't get it when other people consistently borrow without paying back. If you don't pay me back my cup (or two) of sugar, I need to buy more of it sooner.

I don't have more money or time for shopping than you do. I just may have it allotted differently than you, so it's ok if you need it now, but will have it later, and I don't need it now. But I will need it later. Give me back my stuff.

Rant over.

amother

Violet

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 8:57 am

I think it depends on the relationship. We are very close with our next door neighbors and we lend to each other as if we were family.... ie no thought of returning anything and it all evens out. But even if it did not it would even out in other ways.... They drive my dd to school more or we pick up the bakery orders more or whatever.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:01 am

amother wrote:

If I borrow three eggs from my sister, I would give it back too. Different stokes for different folks I guess, but I'm surprised how rampant this ideology is.

Tzutzie

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:12 am

pause wrote:

This.
When I lived in a condo, we did that all the time.
If it was a really small amount, we just said that its a gift if forgotten.
One tenighbir returned 4 oz of vinegar in a container. I wondered if the container wasn't more expensive than the vinegar.... but it wasn't the vinegar. It was the menchlichkeit.

If your neighbors return, you're willing to lend more.

Another neighbor kept on forgetting to get disposablr gloves. Everytime her cleaning lady came she knocked in 1-2 times a week for a month or more consistently.
I always told her it's a gift. And I didnt get any back. And its perfectly ok.

But a whole milk/bag of flour/carton of eggs?
Not the norm at all.

Tzutzie

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:23 am

amother wrote:

If I borrow three eggs from my sister, I would give it back too. Different stokes for different folks I guess, but I'm surprised how rampant this ideology is.

This.

And when my sister cooked shabbos for me PP, I sent my butcher order + to her to compensate for.

Another sister would constantly ask for raw chicken then she'd repay me in dollar and cents. Drove me nuts. At some point I told her to call the butcher and put credit into my account for that amount. Keep in mind, the butcher delivers only larger orderes. And they have a delivery fee. So if she asked for two packs of chicken, I was left with less chicken for the week (I do a weekly order) and then need to pay another delivery fee and order more than I had space in my freezer for......
Or she'd take a bunch of diapers and repay me with a cheaper brand that I couldn't use.when I told her she'd also repay in cents.
A trip to the big box store to get more is a long shopping trip of precious time. I figured out how many I need to last me the month and would do all my big box shopping once a month. After she borrowed I had to do an extra trip. (At least 45 minutes of mine and dhs time) Or buy at the supermarket where is 3x the price. So if she borrowed 18 diapers, sj
She wouldn't give me back a pack of 18 that coats $12 locally. She'd pay me $4 and change, how much it would cost me to buy in bulk.....
So I just said I'm low in my stash and not borrow anymore.

Last edited by Tzutzie on Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:26 am; edited 1 time in total

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:34 am

I would never ask unless c'v emergency. I also don't get asked. It's foreign to me. I check my ingredients before starting. If I have to, I'll let a whatsapp or call before imposing myself. The same as, I won't open to a person if I'm not dressed and my house is unclean or whatever unless there's an emergency. I have asked and gotten help when I was leaving to give birth, had a flood... that's my type of emergency.

chocolatecake

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:38 am

If I borrow something in a package like a carton of milk or a dozen eggs then I replace it a day or so later. That very rarely happens though. Usually I ask for like an egg or a half cup of sugar and I dont replace it and my neighbors dont replace when they take from me either.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Oct 19 2017, 9:42 am

Can someone explain this to me?
I know I've mentioned this a few times, but I just can't wrap my head around this.
Maybe not everyone can afford to give you a few eggs? Maybe for them 3 eggs is harder to give away than for you to give 100? Who sets this barometer for what is negligible and what isn't?