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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
Blush
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 10:39 am
Hi,
So my dh has been away on a business trip the last week and I honestly have found it so much less stressful without him and easier to parent the kids. I realize now that he adds to my stress and screams at the kids a lot, making parenting harder when he's around. The kids have seemed so much calmer while he is away, and I've been able to parent them more calmly too. Obviously he is of practical help when it comes to babysitting etc, but I find it sad that it's easier for me to parent the kids alone. I know this says a lot about our relationship/ dh's personslity. I'm not really looking for advice, just curious if anyone else can relate?
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amother
Smokey
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 11:14 am
I totally understand. I felt like the bad cop this shabbos since I was the only one disciplining and getting anything moving while he complains about what wasn't ready yet.
To top it off a kid had a tantrum when I told them no, so he called that child for a half hour then later gave atreat.
Yay! He just rewarded a tantrum! Now he's teaching them that when I say no, they could just go to him for a yes
Zman starts this week. I'm happy to have him out in the morning so I could actually get things under my control again.
Sorry for highjacking your thread.
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Teomima
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 2:07 pm
I absolutely understand. I mean, my situation is different (dh has bpd), but I learned how much easier it was without him when he was hospitalized and we subsequently separated for a year. This was all years ago, we've reconciled since, but when he's around things are often more stressful whereas life with my kids is overall so pleasant and calm when it's just me and them.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 8:05 pm
I can relate. My husband works night shift and it's actually so much easier when he is NOT home for bath and bed time!
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amother
Ruby
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 9:12 pm
Op I could've written ur post word for word... Pple sometimes tell me how 'special' I am for allowing my dh to go on trips quite frequently. All I want to tell them is how it makes life so much simpler at times.
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Petra
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 9:19 pm
I have thought the same thing. My DH is often stressed and is quick to yell. Yet I know he has other qualities that are beneficial for my kids to see. It’s often that way; that each parent brings a different outlook and different set of skills. My DH yells but somehow he is also the “fun one”. I think he is reckless when he drives down the street and for 30 seconds he lets my DD steer the car. But that is one memory she cherishes. He is impatient yet he has taught DS how to use a drill press. I think to myself that it’s too dangerous but DS is proud he did something. My DH is easy to laugh at ridiculous, immature jokes (he sees humor in things) and he spends time playing Go Fish with youngest DD on Shabbos when all I’d rather do is take a nap. The point is, we all have our good and bad qualities. Hopefully more good than bad.
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amother
Mistyrose
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 9:21 pm
Omg I cant believe this thread. I thought I am alone in this.
My hus was away for RH and ppl pitied me that he left me with my house of big boys.
HA HA!!! I laughed to myself. Couldnt say it to anyone...it was the best yt ever.
We all loved it. It was yum
Then came yk &sukkas with him around. Bla
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Miri7
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Sat, Oct 21 2017, 11:28 pm
This is true in my house too. Give me a week without DH around over one with him around any day....
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amother
Blush
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Sun, Oct 22 2017, 2:00 am
Op here, thanks for all the responses! So comforting to know I'm not alone. 😊
I'm wondering though if my calmness would last long term... like it's easy to be so positive and adrenaline rushing for one week but if I was always alone I do think it would be more difficult than it is now. I'm sure there would be times I needed help parenting, even if just practical things.
Also there must be some psychology in the fact that sometimes when you're alone and have to get a job done, with no one to rely on or complain to you just do it no issues. As soon as there's. someone else in the picture you suddenly have what to complain about and someone to complain to.
These are just my thoughts. Anyone have any insight?
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amother
Cyan
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Sun, Oct 22 2017, 4:17 am
Yes I could completely relate. When dh walks into the house sometimes I feel like the stress in the room skyrockets.
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Oct 22 2017, 4:56 am
I can relate to it.
I found this idea very upsetting the first time it hapend.
Why didn't I miss him? Why were things so much calmer and in a way happier?
I also agree that when there is no one to complain to things to seem easier.
I have come to a place of acceptance and It is what it is.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:11 am
amother wrote: | Op here, thanks for all the responses! So comforting to know I'm not alone. 😊
I'm wondering though if my calmness would last long term... like it's easy to be so positive and adrenaline rushing for one week but if I was always alone I do think it would be more difficult than it is now. I'm sure there would be times I needed help parenting, even if just practical things.
Also there must be some psychology in the fact that sometimes when you're alone and have to get a job done, with no one to rely on or complain to you just do it no issues. As soon as there's. someone else in the picture you suddenly have what to complain about and someone to complain to.
These are just my thoughts. Anyone have any insight? |
I agree. I love my DH, he's a fine parent. But when I'm the only one around, I do everything myself, and it works and everyone is happy. When he's around, he shares the parenting which physically is a help but it's easier to do myself. Also, knowing someone is there to help and I'm trying to rely on him for help, and it isn't happening, is stressful and upsetting.
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amother
Ginger
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Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:23 am
I'm the same way. The highlight of my year is when dh goes to visit his mother in Florida during president's week. For 3 days, my bathroom floor stays dry, if I clean the table at night, it's still clean in the morning, and there's no dirty laundry on my bedroom floor. What's even better is that my kids don't complain that there's no place to sit since dh is lying on the whole couch, and no matter what I serve for supper, nobody criticizes it. It also helps that I don't have dh complaining about his job 24/7. Since all the yamim tovim were on weekdays this year, dh won't be able to go, so I won't get my vacation this winter.
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