Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
How to politely cancel on a kollel offer?
1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Blush


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 3:53 am
Sorry, couldnt find a better title.

My husband applied and was accepted to a smicha program in another country that is combined with a paid kollel and a degree last year. After we were ready to go, my husband out of the blue got his nicely paid dream job in our town but only for a limited time of six months. We told the kollel we would come after the 6 months are over.
Fast forward, six months are over and now we are BH expecting our first child. I cannot move because I would lose out on my maternity leave payment. And my husband just got his job extended for an unlimited time which is good money.

We feel terrible telling the kollel now we cant come, we simply couldnt afford it financially if we had to solely live on the kollel stipend which is around 1000 bucks a month. We would have to buy our own health insurance and rent there would eat those 1000 bucks already. I am pregnant so noone would and could employ me, either, now.
We cannot leave our city and country now for a financial suicide just to be able to grow in kodesh and learning.
The Kollel heads have been super nice to me and I know half of the community there from childhood (grew up there). They already announced publically my hubby will join them.

I feel so terrible telling them no. But I do not see any other choice now. Sad
Back to top

amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:54 am
Explain it as soon as possible, just as you explained it here. If you know a couple who might want the position, you can put forward their names. As in any field, the key is to be as considerate as possible.
Good luck and beshaa tova.
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 8:13 am
I would ask daas torah who is not nogeah bdavar about this. You will be burning bridges for sure.
Back to top

amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 9:07 am
Can you tell them a personal health situation has arisen for you which requires you to put your move on hold for the foreseeable future? That you will re-assess in 12 months?
In my world a pregnancy is a personal health situation, though I wouldn't necessarily reveal that much.
Back to top

DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 9:21 am
amother wrote:
Can you tell them a personal health situation has arisen for you which requires you to put your move on hold for the foreseeable future? That you will re-assess in 12 months?
In my world a pregnancy is a personal health situation, though I wouldn't necessarily reveal that much.

Why make them think you have some serious health issue when in reality you are pregnant? Can't you just tell them what you told us? "Baruch Hashem and b'shaa tovah we are expecting and addition to our family. We are thrilled. Unfortunately, due to complications in our insurance coverage, we are unable to leave the country at this time, and thus we are unable to accept the position at XYZ Kollel. We wanted to tell you as soon as possible so you can find another qualified person to fill the position."
Back to top

doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 9:44 am
Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable walking away and never taking the position after all that they did for you. I would tell them about the pregnancy and insurance situation and explain that it's not financially viable right now, but I would go as soon as possible after giving birth.

I would probably also discuss the situation with a Rav, especially if they were holding the spot for me and/or didn't take another applicant because of me. To have them work with you and give you 6 months after which you promised to come, I wouldn't just change my mind and burn my bridges.
Back to top

groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 9:50 am
DrMom wrote:
Why make them think you have some serious health issue when in reality you are pregnant? Can't you just tell them what you told us? "Baruch Hashem and b'shaa tovah we are expecting and addition to our family. We are thrilled. Unfortunately, due to complications in our insurance coverage, we are unable to leave the country at this time, and thus we are unable to accept the position at XYZ Kollel. We wanted to tell you as soon as possible so you can find another qualified person to fill the position."


I agree with this, but I also think your title is misleading. You're not turning down an offer, you're backing out of a commitment. I'm not saying you're making the wrong choice, but most of the reasons you gave (we can't live on the stipend they're offering, we'd have to get our own insurance) are things that were in place when you accepted the offer, but it's just that now you have a better one. It's not like the terms changed. You did.

If you must back out, I'd say what Dr. Mom said. They will probably be upset, but you have to do what's best for your family. ( assuming you're not breaching a contract or doing anything halachically wrong. Can't advise on that)
Back to top

amother
Peach


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:22 am
If you do back out, please post the kollel info for all the people who are trying so hard to get into an oot kollel. We are going to start the proces in 2 years or so but I know many who can benefit from the info
Back to top

amother
Blush


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:40 am
groovy1224 wrote:
I agree with this, but I also think your title is misleading. You're not turning down an offer, you're backing out of a commitment. I'm not saying you're making the wrong choice, but most of the reasons you gave (we can't live on the stipend they're offering, we'd have to get our own insurance) are things that were in place when you accepted the offer, but it's just that now you have a better one. It's not like the terms changed. You did.

If you must back out, I'd say what Dr. Mom said. They will probably be upset, but you have to do what's best for your family. ( assuming you're not breaching a contract or doing anything halachically wrong. Can't advise on that)


OP here: Yes, true. But the pregnancy really now is a game changer. If not for the pregnancy, I would have started looking for a job there in the new place and get insurance through it. Two incomes would have made life there possible, one does not work. Kollel pays no rent and no insurance and rent there is crazily high (around 1000 bucks for a very small apartment). And private insurance is super expensive, too. But cant go without as I am pregnant.
Now, nobody hires a pregnant woman (yeah, you dont have to tell them but it will soon be too obvious to hide) and I couldnt apply for jobs until well into the summer, after the 8 weeks maternity protection are over (im due after Pesach).
Now I work fulltime here and am entitled to a year of paid maternity leave id lose out on if I left the country.

So, really, the impossibility to move countries due to pregnancy is the major deciding factor. We waited for this pregnancy 3 years.

Hashem has a funny sense of humor. He held back on a steady job for my husband and a baby for us for almost 3 years and when we had decided to change place and destiny, he suddenly throws all the brachos on us.
Gamzu letova.

My husband is joking that apparently Hashem does not want him to become a rabbi...
Back to top

amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:45 am
amother wrote:
OP here: Yes, true. But the pregnancy really now is a game changer. If not for the pregnancy, I would have started looking for a job there in the new place and get insurance through it. Two incomes would have made life there possible, one does not work. Kollel pays no rent and no insurance and rent there is crazily high (around 1000 bucks for a very small apartment). And private insurance is super expensive, too. But cant go without as I am pregnant.
Now, nobody hires a pregnant woman (yeah, you dont have to tell them but it will soon be too obvious to hide) and I couldnt apply for jobs until well into the summer, after the 8 weeks maternity protection are over (im due after Pesach).
Now I work fulltime here and am entitled to a year of paid maternity leave id lose out on if I left the country.

So, really, the impossibility to move countries due to pregnancy is the major deciding factor. We waited for this pregnancy 3 years.

Hashem has a funny sense of humor. He held back on a steady job for my husband and a baby for us for almost 3 years and when we had decided to change place and destiny, he suddenly throws all the brachos on us.
Gamzu letova.

My husband is joking that apparently Hashem does not want him to become a rabbi...


So what would you have done if you got pregnant while at the kollel? Is there universal healthcare in that country?
Back to top

amother
Violet


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:57 am
I would tell the kollel you are pregnant. Explain to them the situation. I think they deserve that courtesy and I don't think they will be unreasonable about. They might try to explain to you how it's manageable. You might end up agreeing or not. That is your choice but definitely have the conversation.
Back to top

amother
Blush


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:58 am
There is universal healthcare but you need a job to get insurance through it. It is not free at all.
Normally I would have gotten pregnant after moving while I had a job there.
Otherwise you have to go private and we could not afford that.
Back to top

amother
Blush


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 11:01 am
Id totally tell them im pregnant but I am superstitious Sad I am 4 months now.
We told them now that for personal reasons we cannot come at this point. I may explain it later but I hope they keep the reason private.
Back to top

doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 11:39 am
I'm sorry, but WADR, I really don't think you're being fair to the kollel. They held a spot for you, and now you've decided unilaterally not to take it, and won't even give them the courtesy of the truth because of your own superstitions?

You're 4 months pregnant and will be showing shortly, if you're not already. You're worried about a superstitious ayin hara, but not about breaking an agreement and commitment that you made? I definitely think you need to speak to a Rav about this.
Back to top

LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 12:23 pm
doctorima wrote:
I'm sorry, but WADR, I really don't think you're being fair to the kollel. They held a spot for you, and now you've decided unilaterally not to take it, and won't even give them the courtesy of the truth because of your own superstitions?

You're 4 months pregnant and will be showing shortly, if you're not already. You're worried about a superstitious ayin hara, but not about breaking an agreement and commitment that you made? I definitely think you need to speak to a Rav about this.


This. They held it for you and told people you are coming. It looks bad upon them that you backed out. You could be ruining their reputation for all you know!
Explain what happened and how you need health insurance. If they wabt you so much that they held the position you might be surprised at what else they might be able to do. Maybe they know someone who will hire you despite the pregnancy? Give them a chance!
You are being somewhat selfish as you now want your maternity leave even though you promised that you will come. I know its hard but you are out of your first trimester so please tell and let them allow you to cancel.
Back to top

oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 12:56 pm
I am shocked by all these answers.

Of course you need to do what's best for you, your family, your unborn baby.

Yes, you may be inconveniencing, and you should do it as quickly, politely, and professionally as possible. But you are not doing some terrible thing. There is no reason to put your family in a significantly less good situation (long term) for someone else's gain.


Last edited by oliveoil on Sun, Oct 22 2017, 1:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 1:00 pm
amother wrote:
Can you tell them a personal health situation has arisen for you which requires you to put your move on hold for the foreseeable future? That you will re-assess in 12 months?
In my world a pregnancy is a personal health situation, though I wouldn't necessarily reveal that much.


What is wrong with being honest? Rolling Eyes
Back to top

amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 1:26 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
What is wrong with being honest? Rolling Eyes


I'm being honest, just not revealing the details. Some things are personal and private for me.
Back to top

amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 1:27 pm
Pregnancy is considered a health condition. At least when applying for public assistance where I live.
Back to top

MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 1:34 pm
amother wrote:
I'm being honest, just not revealing the details. Some things are personal and private for me.


Go for it then. Why even ask?
Back to top
Page 1 of 3 1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Putting a offer on a house below asking price
by amother
5 Mon, Mar 11 2024, 2:24 pm View last post
Job offer
by amother
5 Tue, Mar 05 2024, 8:37 pm View last post
Does "CHOP" still offer this Feeding therapy (this youtube
by amother
2 Sat, Feb 17 2024, 9:22 pm View last post
What is the best job for a kollel wife?
by amother
61 Tue, Jan 16 2024, 10:03 pm View last post
Is Kollel the root cause??
by amother
354 Sun, Jan 07 2024, 2:09 am View last post