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What should I tell 9 yo DD about birds and bees?



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amother
Amber


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 6:18 pm
She saw me and DH cuddling (not the first time she's seen us) and started laughing hysterically and blushing "I know what you guys are doing! This is so awkward!" Later she confided in me that a friend told her that when people get married, they "put their tushies together and that's how they have children." She wanted to know if that's true and if me and her Daddy do that "ewww". (all the while giggling). What do I tell her? She's still a little kid and quite immature to learn the facts of life (which I'm sure she will quickly share with all her friends - who's parents will not be too pleased with me). On the other hand, I don't want her to have misconceptions, and I want her to feel comfortable asking me anything and not having to find her own sources. Unfortunately in this situation, I can't get away with saying something vague about love etc. since she is asking me specifics. Any suggestions?
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 6:41 pm
IMHO, you don't tell it all at once, but the below text has good ways of framing the information.

This was posted elsewhere a while ago:

Thank you so much for coming to me, DD! I know that many girls discuss this with friends, and although I wish I'd told you before you got misinformation, I'm so glad you're coming to me at this point.

Of course this is a very private thing which is why I didn't discuss it earlier, although I should have probably - you are old enough to understand this in a mature way.

You probably already know this, but women have 3 openings in their pelvic area - one for urine, one for solid waste excretion, and a middle hole (in English, a v*gina) that Hashem created especially for marriage and childbirth.

You know how you get your period? Well, about 2 weeks before blood starts coming from this middle opening, an egg is released inside of you, with the potential to become a child. If zera from a male* is introduced through this opening, there is a possibility that some of it will meet the egg and "impregnate" it. If that would happen, the egg would travel through a path to the womb, where it could potentially bury itself in the wall of the womb and grow to become a new child. The baby would, if all things go well, also exit (be birthed) through this same hole, which is capable of dramatically enlarging and then returning to its previous size! (A C-section is where the baby is born through a surgical operation cutting open the stomach area to remove the baby from the womb.)

*Male zera is delivered through the eiver, known commonly as the p*nis, the very area that became permanently holy by having a bris milah.

(If zera was not introduced, or if the zera did not impregnate the egg, the womb which had built up its lining to serve as a cushion for the potential child, will release that lining approximately two weeks later, which we see as a period. The loss of the chance to physically host a new neshama causes the woman to receive a tumah, called tumas niddah. This tumah has very few practical ramifications outside of the relationship between husband and wife; that body of halachos is called Taharas Hamishpacha. The tumah is removed by going to a mikvah after confirming that the bleeding has fully stopped and waiting one week.)

The act of introducing zera through this opening is a very private, holy act in Yiddishkeit. It is typically known as "tashmish hamita." In addition to the possibility of bringing a new neshama into the world, tashmish hamitah unites a husband and a wife in a physical way, mirroring the way Hashem is united with the Shechinah in Shomayim.

In fact, the Chachomim teach us that the keruvim on the Aron were engaged in tashmish!

We also learn that every single time that a husband and wife unite in this way, it creates a neshama. Some neshamos may come to earth as children, and others stay in Shomayim. There is a meforash that explains that the neshamos of all of the geirim ever to be came from the many times that Avraham and Sarah united in tashmish (as we know they didn't have physical children until much later).

Although it may sound strange, and you will IY"H learn more about the "mechanics" and halachos of how this is done in kallah classes, you should know that there is an opinion that the pleasure of tashmish is one of the areas in the world where we can get a very small taste of Olam Haba. If prepared for and performed properly, there is a very real, concrete physical pleasure in this mitzvah.

Tashmish is a very holy act, and yet a very physical one. If you strip out the kedusha, it looks very unrefined. That is why secular sources portray tashmish as a "dirty" pleasure, or as a purely sensual one. In Yiddishkeit, within the context of marriage, it is one of the holiest possible acts.

As a Jew, it is therefore important to understand the inherent kedusha, and not to look (at least not first) to secular sources which may have accurate facts, but a skewed perspective.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 6:58 pm
If she asks you again you should just tell her that her friend didn't tell her the right thing. Tell her that what takes place with married people is private and when she is older than she will learn. I don't think you need to tell her what amother above pasted - it's way too detailed and not necessary for a 9 yr old.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:07 pm
I would not say all of that in that detail to a 9 yr old and I would also not say, "you'll learn when you're older." That would only make her more curious and, seeing that you're not giving her the answer, she'll go to find the answer somewhere else.
Somewhere in between those 2 is my opinion.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:33 pm
This is beautiful and would be really helpful for an older kid. But being such a young child who doesn't know anything at all about periods or anything else, I don't think I want to have such a mature conversation with her just yet (maybe in a year or two). Besides, she has only has one question for me which I need to figure out how to answer at the moment. And that is if what she heard from her friend is true.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:41 pm
You should tell her about menstruation regardless.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:49 pm
[quote="amother"]IMHO, you don't tell it all at once, but the below text has good ways of framing the information.

This was posted elsewhere a while ago:

Thank you so much for coming to me, DD! I know that many girls discuss this with friends, and although I wish I'd told you before you got misinformation, I'm so glad you're coming to me at this point.

Of course this is a very private thing which is why I didn't discuss it earlier, although I should have probably - you are old enough to understand this in a mature way... [quote="amother"]

Wow. That is WAY too much info for a kid.


Last edited by amother on Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 7:51 pm
amother wrote:
IMHO, you don't tell it all at once, but the below text has good ways of framing the information.

This was posted elsewhere a while ago:

Thank you so much for coming to me, DD! I know that many girls discuss this with friends, and although I wish I'd told you before you got misinformation, I'm so glad you're coming to me at this point.

Of course this is a very private thing which is why I didn't discuss it earlier, although I should have probably - you are old enough to understand this in a mature way....


Wow. WAY too much info for a kid IMO.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 8:10 pm
amother wrote:
This is beautiful and would be really helpful for an older kid. But being such a young child who doesn't know anything at all about periods or anything else, I don't think I want to have such a mature conversation with her just yet (maybe in a year or two). Besides, she has only has one question for me which I need to figure out how to answer at the moment. And that is if what she heard from her friend is true.


Of course it's TMI for a 9-year old! LOL

Was just trying to help with some ways of framing the info she IS ready for. (it was posted for a 14 year old or something IIRC)

Try something like this:

DD, remember what you asked me last night about what your friend said, how you wanted to know how babies are made?

I'm glad you came to me to ask, its something a lot of kids wonder about but often get mixed up about.

See, what your friend said was part true and part not true. Let me try to explain a little bit, and you'll see if you want to learn more now, or wait until you're older when it's easier to understand.

Hashem made kids bodies different than adult bodies. When you get older, around Bas Mitzvah time, your body will start to change from a kids' body to an adult, woman body. At that time, your body will start getting ready to have kids.

To have a baby we need to have three parts - a little bit from a father and a little bit from a mother make a body, and Hashem puts in a neshama.

The part from the father comes out from near the tushie, so that part is a little true, and it goes into the mother through a part near the tushie also, so that's true too. But what your friend DIDN'T know is that this is something very holy and very beautiful, and that it also feels very good and special when you are older.

But not only is this something holy and special, it is also something private. It is something you will learn about more as you get older, and if you are curious you can certainly ask me or your father privately. It is not usually something we talk about to our friends.
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dr. pepper




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 22 2017, 8:20 pm
amother wrote:
Of course it's TMI for a 9-year old! LOL

Was just trying to help with some ways of framing the info she IS ready for. (it was posted for a 14 year old or something IIRC)

Try something like this:

DD, remember what you asked me last night about what your friend said, how you wanted to know how babies are made?

I'm glad you came to me to ask, its something a lot of kids wonder about but often get mixed up about.

See, what your friend said was part true and part not true. Let me try to explain a little bit, and you'll see if you want to learn more now, or wait until you're older when it's easier to understand.

Hashem made kids bodies different than adult bodies. When you get older, around Bas Mitzvah time, your body will start to change from a kids' body to an adult, woman body. At that time, your body will start getting ready to have kids.

To have a baby we need to have three parts - a little bit from a father and a little bit from a mother make a body, and Hashem puts in a neshama.

The part from the father comes out from near the tushie, so that part is a little true, and it goes into the mother through a part near the tushie also, so that's true too. But what your friend DIDN'T know is that this is something very holy and very beautiful, and that it also feels very good and special when you are older.

But not only is this something holy and special, it is also something private. It is something you will learn about more as you get older, and if you are curious you can certainly ask me or your father privately. It is not usually something we talk about to our friends.


Nice recap for a 9 year old Smile (though I personally use proper anatomical terms).
I particularly love the wording you used "and that it also feels very good and special when you are older."-what a service for a child to hear that!

I have found it helpful to add something like "I know it seems kind of gross and weird. WHen I was your age and learning about this, I also thought is was strange."-just to help them normalize their horrified/ weirded out feelings.

Op, does your daughter know about the period? That's the first step....
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Oct 23 2017, 5:28 am
amother wrote:
Of course it's TMI for a 9-year old! LOL

Was just trying to help with some ways of framing the info she IS ready for. (it was posted for a 14 year old or something IIRC)

Try something like this:

DD, remember what you asked me last night about what your friend said, how you wanted to know how babies are made?

I'm glad you came to me to ask, its something a lot of kids wonder about but often get mixed up about.

See, what your friend said was part true and part not true. Let me try to explain a little bit, and you'll see if you want to learn more now, or wait until you're older when it's easier to understand.

Hashem made kids bodies different than adult bodies. When you get older, around Bas Mitzvah time, your body will start to change from a kids' body to an adult, woman body. At that time, your body will start getting ready to have kids.

To have a baby we need to have three parts - a little bit from a father and a little bit from a mother make a body, and Hashem puts in a neshama.

The part from the father comes out from near the tushie, so that part is a little true, and it goes into the mother through a part near the tushie also, so that's true too. But what your friend DIDN'T know is that this is something very holy and very beautiful, and that it also feels very good and special when you are older.

But not only is this something holy and special, it is also something private. It is something you will learn about more as you get older, and if you are curious you can certainly ask me or your father privately. It is not usually something we talk about to our friends.


Gold
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amother
Amber


 

Post Mon, Oct 23 2017, 5:55 am
amother wrote:
Of course it's TMI for a 9-year old! LOL

Was just trying to help with some ways of framing the info she IS ready for. (it was posted for a 14 year old or something IIRC)

Try something like this:

DD, remember what you asked me last night about what your friend said, how you wanted to know how babies are made?

I'm glad you came to me to ask, its something a lot of kids wonder about but often get mixed up about.

See, what your friend said was part true and part not true. Let me try to explain a little bit, and you'll see if you want to learn more now, or wait until you're older when it's easier to understand.

Hashem made kids bodies different than adult bodies. When you get older, around Bas Mitzvah time, your body will start to change from a kids' body to an adult, woman body. At that time, your body will start getting ready to have kids.

To have a baby we need to have three parts - a little bit from a father and a little bit from a mother make a body, and Hashem puts in a neshama.

The part from the father comes out from near the tushie, so that part is a little true, and it goes into the mother through a part near the tushie also, so that's true too. But what your friend DIDN'T know is that this is something very holy and very beautiful, and that it also feels very good and special when you are older.

But not only is this something holy and special, it is also something private. It is something you will learn about more as you get older, and if you are curious you can certainly ask me or your father privately. It is not usually something we talk about to our friends.


This is extremely helpful, thank you! And if she keeps pushing for specifics, do I give her more info, or tell her she will learn more when she is older?
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 23 2017, 6:32 am
amother wrote:
This is extremely helpful, thank you! And if she keeps pushing for specifics, do I give her more info, or tell her she will learn more when she is older?

Most kids stop when their curiosity has been satisfied. You decide if there are certain specifics that should wait a few years.
Answer her questions but don't elaborate too much. If she wants more info, and she feels comfortable,she'll ask.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Mon, Oct 23 2017, 1:29 pm
amother wrote:

You probably already know this, but women have 3 openings in their pelvic area - one for urine, one for solid waste excretion, and a middle hole (in English, a v*gina) that Hashem created especially for marriage and childbirth.


And this might be why so many newly marrieds don't know where the woman's clit*ris is. FWIW, I knew where mine was at nine because I had read about it in a book which I found far more informative than misinformation from others.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Oct 23 2017, 2:10 pm
amother wrote:
And this might be why so many newly marrieds don't know where the woman's clit*ris is. FWIW, I knew where mine was at nine because I had read about it in a book which I found far more informative than misinformation from others.

I never heard of someone who didn't know this, but I suppose it can happen. What information do you think should be given? (Obviously not to a 9-year-old)
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