Did you ever reject anyone?

Boca00

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 6:24 pm

I filled out a survey for my sister's psychology class. One of the main questions was to describe in detail a time that you rejected someone. I've been thinking and I really couldn't think of anything! I never had to fire anyone or break up with a friend, I married the first guy I dated...
Have you ever rejecting anyone? Were you happy or upset after? (That was the rest of the question, and I'm curious what others would answer...)

allthingsblue

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 7:17 pm

We interviewed a potential nanny and had to reject her (her personality wasn't a good fit for our child). My husband did it for me.

I said no to the first guy I dated after three dates when he was really interested in continuing. I just didn't see chemistry.
(My husband was the second guy, a few months later. )
I did think about that often. And was very happy and relieved when he got married.

amother

White

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 7:32 pm

I had two bishows with a boy and then called it off. I knew he was ready to say yes and we'd have gotten engaged. I felt terrible but we weren't a good fit. I was very happy when he got engaged.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 7:38 pm

I dated 2 guys before I met dh and they both wanted me . The second guy even told his close friends that he's getting engaged cos he thought I was serious about him. I felt bad rejecting him and was very happy to hear that he got engaged last week.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 8:28 pm

I dated 8 men. 4 I rejected after a couple of dates. 1 I rejected after just 1 date because there was no way we could fit together. 2 rejected me. 1 I married. 😍😘😍
There 1 one gentleman who had various shadchanim try to get me to go out with him again for a number of years after we met. He was my first.
There was another gentleman who couldn't get over it and wanted us to discuss it so he could get closure. I wasn't able to do that for him. We had only been out on 3 dates and I had never felt a connection to him.

amother

Linen

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 8:34 pm

I had 3 bshows with a guy and then said no. In our circles 2 meetings is generally a done deal. I felt awful after, but it had to be done. He ended up marrying my classmate, who was redt to my husband and was next on mil's list of potential girls to look into. It's awkward when our paths happen to cross these days.

I also had to fire an EI therapist for one of my children. I still feel terribly guilty about it but have no regrets.

Boca00

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 8:38 pm

Ooh wait I thought of something, but I'm not sure if it counts...

I rejected two guys that were being too friendly:
One would make a beeline for me whenever he saw me and would try to schmooze. He told me some personal things and asked me what I thought about something he and his wife disagreed on. I always made an excuse and left asap but he never got the hint. (I guess I'm not very good at rejecting? Or guys don't get hints?) Eventually my husband spoke to him and he stopped.

The other guy was a coworker who would come into my office 3x in 10 min if noone else was there, and only slightly less often if they were. He complimented me on different abilities, on my voice, etc. I tried snobbing him out, telling him I'm busy and giving very short answers when necessary but that didn't help at all. (I guess I'm really bad at this.) Eventually my boss told him I can't help him anymore.

Ok reading this over I realize I still didn't effectively reject anyone. But I tried. Maybe that counts for something?

Boca00

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 9:02 pm

amother wrote:

I never rejected anybody and right now I wish I can reject a friend of mine. She declared me her friend and she’s just not made for me.
Ok.... next... don’t want to hijack this thread.

Yikes. Is the relationship unhealthy or she just rubs you the wrong way?

(I assume I can hijack my own thread?)

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Oct 25 2017, 10:19 pm

I have a hard time imagining a life in which you never had to reject anyone. Even Avraham Avinu was forced to get rid of Hagar and Ishmael, not to mention turning dowm Eliezer as a mechutan (though not as a person).

Let’s see. I turned down a date with someone because he was a racist masquerading as a holy person. I turned down a job offer because it was not nearly as good as the job I already had. I’ve had to tell a subordinate he didn’t pass probation and would have to retreat to his previous job. I had to tell a job applicant we hired someone else. And I had to fire a caregiver who was incompetent. It’s never pleasant.

ETA the last three were really unpleasant tasks because the people themselves were nice and in one case the decision came not from me but from someone higher up. Turning down the racist was easy because he was an obnoxious person and a hypocrite. Turning down the job offer was easy because I had a job and wasn’t looking for another, I was pretty sure the job offer was all talk and not genuine, and I wasn’t remotely interested in working for that person or even in that industry.

In general it’s harder to axe a nice person and easier to unload someone you dislike.

DrMom

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 12:50 am

Yes, of course.

I have had to fire employees (very unpleasant).

I've turned down men who have asked me for dates.

I've had to say "no" to people asking me to serve on committees for which have no bandwidth.

If you never say "no," your life will be chaos. A little assertiveness is your friend! It's something I have to keep telling myself, because my first instinct is to be "nice," but I know that if I try to please everyone, I will go crazy.

salt

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 1:16 am

I got a private English tutor for 2 of my kids, and then had to reject her after a few lessons, for various reasons. I had said from the beginning that it's a trial, but I still felt horrible calling her. I knew she probably needed the money.
I was at work, and I told my office mates "ok I have to make this call now" and told them the story, and they encouraged me and said "just go for it" - I went out the room and called her from my cell phone. I can't even remember what I said to her, but she just said "ok fine, and hung up". I really felt horrible.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 8:23 am

I'm 34 and I can't count the number of rejections I've had to do. Saying No is a normal part of life and I can't imagine how someone who has never rejected anyone!

I said no to some babysitting jobs.
I rejected 6 out of the 8 boys I dated. (One said no to me and the other one I married)
I've fired a few employees; that was really hard.
I've turned down various employees' requests, although I've tried to accommodate them in another way.
I fired one cleaning lady.
I've said no to making food for people when it was not a good time for me.
I say no to my kids all the time!

Boca00

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 8:29 am

Ok maybe we're defining things differently. Saying "no" I have done of course. To making meals, to requests from people, to requests from my kids. I meant I never actually (successfully) rejected a person, because I haven't had to yet. Unless you count saying no to guys before going out, because that I definitely did too. But I mean I never had to give someone a whole rejection speech. But hey, give me time... I'm sure I'll get there if it's as common as you say.

amother

Oak

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 11:55 am

amother wrote:

I had two bishows with a boy and then called it off. I knew he was ready to say yes and we'd have gotten engaged. I felt terrible but we weren't a good fit. I was very happy when he got engaged.

I also rejected someone after 1 bishow and he came into it thinking he was marrying me. So glad I I made that choice!!!

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 11:59 am

I rejected a job offer from a prior employer who called me non stop to offer me a bigger and better position but I was happy where I was and didn't feel the need to change. They kept pestering me but I let them know that I appreciated the offer but I declined. They were surprised and not too happy.

amother

Olive

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 12:04 pm

I was dating for many years so rejected (and got rejected) many times. One in particular stands out. Every year for the next 3 years or so, he'd reach out through a shadchan to see if I'd reconsider. I actually had a decent time with him. But he told a dumb lie on the date for absolutely no reason and I wouldn't reconsider him because of that. He got married shortly after I did.

zaq

Thu, Oct 26 2017, 1:31 pm

I would want clarification of what is meant by “rejecting someone”. Turning down a job applicant or date who is a fine person whom you may even like, because he doesn’t qualify for the position, is different from shucking a sleazy reptile you wish would slither back into the slime that spawned him (even if he is G-d’s gift to IT or a wizard with wraps. ) In the first case you are not rejecting the person, you’re just not choosing him. In the second case, you’re rejecting the PERSON.

I would hope that few of us would have had occasion to reject PEOPLE.