S/o- How much of what we do is bec of other ppl?

amother

Pearl

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 10:38 am

I think I pretty much do my own thing but if I really lived in yehutzpitzville I probably wouldn't cover my legs nor make my dd cover her legs. It's a minhag hamokem issue not a halachic issue according to the rabbi I asked so....

Zehava

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 10:44 am

A lot unfortunately. Out of sheer necessity as well as societal pressure.
Ideally yehupitzville would be a farm or at least somewhere with a lot of nature. And if no one was looking I’d allow my kids to run around half naked and get into dirt and be kids.
I would rarely wear makeup or jewelry or any clothes that make me feel restricted and uncomfortable.
I would sing loud and lay on the grass and just be.
Alas this is far from my reality

amother

Peach

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 10:52 am

I know that the question is not the same, but to me this thread sounds like it will turn into the 'what would you do if you did not have to keep the Torah for 3 days' (I don't remember the exact wording).
op- what are you wondering exactly? if people keep halacha/tzniyus etc because of societal pressure? if people dress up and make themselves up for others?

can you please clarify please

amother

Aqua

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 10:56 am

I would not bother taking even one child to therapy. I would let them grow up like peasants. And I would probably be a hippy.

Hey did I just write this? I guess I should be happy I live between people. Makes me civilized.

Boca00

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

Not at all my intention. Halacha doesn't change in Yahupitzville. I am curious how much how much we do because of the other people around us- whether we would dress the same, parent the same, care about the same things...

amother

Peach

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 11:14 am

Boca00 wrote:

I figured as much, but I wanted to be sure.

There is a pressure of getting married young, having children right away, looking a certain way, sending your children to all the right school and making all the right friends, having them look a certain way, so that they can go to the right seminaries, yeshivos and colleges, so that they can find a good shidduch and start the cycle again.
and even those who are not trying to keep up with the Jones and smiths, I'm sure feel this underlining pressure in some way!
We have all these inspiring quotes and stories about 'being born to stand out' 'why be like everyone else' going around, as we try our hardest to make sure our children 'fit in' so that they are not teased and bullied.

Boca00

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 11:25 am

amother wrote:

Very very true. Do you think we are a more or less functional society because of this pressure?

Boca00

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 11:29 am

Personally, I would care less about style and fashion and more about what I think looks good. I would be more chilled, stay in pajamas longer and let my kids choose their own wardrobes, as long as they matched.

I do think that- in general- society keeps us in line, and with the bad comes a lot of good.

amother

Peach

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 11:34 am

[quote="Boca00"]Very very true. Do you think we are a more or less functional society because of this pressure?[/quote

In some ways yes. But, doesn't most of the dysfunction of the frum society stem from this pressure.

The moment someone does not conform, they are labeled, recommended therapy, diagnosed...
think of all the people you label as 'colorful' 'artsy' 'different' 'not mainstream' 'out of town'

amother

Wheat

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 11:35 am

I would have gotten married the same, but waited to have children. (Didn't even know it's an option till later.) I would have spent more fun times with DH, maybe traveled.

I would dress in long flowy skirts and wear Wrapunzel style tichels, both of which are not acceptable in my community.

I would become an architect or an engineer or even a lawyer. (I know I could do this now but I can't with my kids so small and still so needy, but one day...) I would be the stereotypical career woman earning a lot while having full-time help.

I wouldn't attend half the amount of simchas I do but I would join a fun dancing class instead.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 11:41 am

I feel a lot of pressure to keep my house clean in case someone stops by unexpectedly (which does happen) if I knew no one was coming I would just clean up at night
I feel pressure to buy what I consider extras like a Shabbos coat so my children shouldn't feel different
I make myself presentable to wait by the bus stop/ run an errand only cuz I may bump into someone
I don't spend more than I can afford or get all dressed up but I do feel a pressure from being part of a community
Please tell me I'm not the only one

amother

Tan

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 12:08 pm

It's funny- on the one hand I don't do ANYTHING because of other people in the sense that your are talking about. I wear the clothes I want, buy what I want (well, what we have $ for!) do not follow any fashion trends etc etc etc.

However - I feel like my WHOLE LIFE is dictated by other people. I get up at a certain time because I have to get kds out of the door at a certain time. My daily activities are very much dictated by the needs of my dh and kids. I make them food because they need it. Take them to therapies because they couldn't function without them. Wash clothes because they need the. Clean the house because they mess it up. Help them with homework that they have no choice of either as it is set by someone else. And so on throughout life.

Boca00

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

Very interesting. I was thinking, though, that your kids and DH would come with you to Yahupitzville... If they did, what in your life would change?

amother

Tan

Sun, Oct 29 2017, 12:23 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Very interesting. I was thinking, though, that your kids and DH would come with you to Yahupitzville... If they did, what in your life would change?

It's something I think about regularly! Not avoiding halacha, but avoiding The Law. Only in the sense of school being compulsory I think. As in - if there was a way to home school without the government being involved, if we could move to a place where housing was sooo cheap that the $ we got for our city place could be invested and lived off so there was no pressure to work, and we could live ob a farm far away from other people so we could make as much noise as we want, then yes our lives would be different and for most of us much happier, if there were at least some other Jews there to feel part of a community.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 9:35 am

amother wrote:

This is so interesting to me. I am the amother above your post.

I feel pressure to keep my house clean because I hate mess and clutter. So I dont do it for others, I do it for myself!
I don't buy my kids shabbas coats. I just don't but maybe once they get older ( my oldest is 9)

I make myself presentable but just barely...