How do I guide my post-seminary daughter?

amother

Silver

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 1:45 pm

My daughter finished seminary in June and is now home. She turned 20 in July.

My daughter doesn't know what she wants to do next. She isn't very academic, so enrolling in a college program doesn't seem worthwhile. She doesn't know what type of program she'd want to enroll in anyway. I've found graphics design, computer/website design, and other online certificate programs, but she isn't interested in any of them. She doesn't want to teach.

She's not interested in beginning shidduchim yet.

We live out of town, so there aren't any frum businesses she can get a job in. She doesn't want to board in-town and get a job or do a second year of seminary.

We just made a big simcha, so helping with that kept her busy since finishing seminary in the Spring, but now she's just hanging around the house.

What do I do to guide her? I'm concerned that she has no "drive" to do anything! She is very content helping around the house, but I feel she needs to start doing something else! Am I right? I don't want to push too hard, but I'm really concerned! She is our oldest child, so we don't really know what to do!

Thank you!

BetsyTacy

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 1:58 pm

Does she have any hobbies? Can any of those hobbies turn into a part-time job? For example, if she loves simcha dancing, she might start a small business leading the girls and teaching them dances at bat mitzvahs.Teaching girls the latest simcha dances is not the same as "I don't want to be a teacher." It would also teach her a lot of skills about starting a small business--maybe a community college course on that topic would help.

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:00 pm

As a parent of a daughter the same age, I definitely find that this is a very transitional age. Until now, most of the choices they had to make were pretty predictable - go to school, camp or summer job, seminary, etc...now however, the choices are less clear, not pre-defined.

I think it's very important to be doing something, because just sitting around helping in the house is not a growth process, and it's not preparing her for her future - even if she's not ready for shidduchim yet (and I commend you for not pushing there) she could still be learning about herself and growing, which will ultimately lead her toward feeling more ready for future steps.

If she's not going to advance her education, then getting a job is the most likely learning avenue. Plus, unless you are very financially well-off, it's a good idea for her to start saving up some $ of her own. It will come in handy when she needs it, and will also lead her to start feeling more independent financially, and budget some of her costs, all of which help a young lady become more mature.

I think you need to figure out what jobs are available where you live, if she doesn't want to go away from home (I don't blame her. I can't imagine my DD boarding somewhere.) What are her options? You need to do some brainstorming here, since many seen to have been ruled out (a college program, teaching, frum business job - all nixed. So what is there?)

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:12 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

See this is why I like college. Many young people don’t know what they want to do at 20, and college can help them figure out what they want to do. I know others disagree! But maybe she could take some courses at community college to help figure out what’s she’s interested in.

I know people who have spent thousands on courses unrelated to their interests, while they were "figuring themselves out".

Not everyone can afford that kind of discretionary spending.

My daughter wasn't sure what she would want to go for at this time, so she decided to get a job instead. She found a job she is really enjoying (actually, I found out about the job here on imamother, to my great surprise....) and is gaining skills there, too, while adding to her savings. She's also taking some courses towards a general degree, but more slowly to allow for flexibility as she hasn't chosen her path yet.....

Kiwi13

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:12 pm

How long has she been home from seminary? What does she want to do as her next step? Is there any reason you can think of that she doesn’t have the motivation you’d like her to have concerning her future? (Does she seem sad or hopeless?)

I would encourage her to look into any ideas she finds even a little bit interesting. She can volunteer somewhere that might give her some exposure to potential interests, she can look into different career paths (by reading up on educational programs and by talking to people working in those fields). Many college students start off “undecided” about their majors, and the intro classes often spark an interest in learning more about a certain subject. If she’s not ready or interested in college right now, maybe she can still take a class or two in something she likes. There are a ton of options out there. Is there a subject area she’d like to learn more about? History, creative writing, graphic design, economics, foreign language, etc.? Ask her what she thinks.

Emphasize to her that this is her life and her choice and it really can be a very exciting time for her. Allow her to explore her options and be flexible if she changes course a few times.

ETA: the classes don’t necessarily need to be at a college. Check into any local classes your town might offer as well. Just getting out of the house and trying new things might give her some more ideas and direction.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:19 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

OP said her daughter came home from seminary in June

simba

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:43 pm

Yes, you are right that she should be doing something more then helping around the house at this point in her life.
I would tell her that she should start thinking of where she can apply for a job. Does not need to be a frum company. What about a local pre-school, can she be an assistant there?
Can she teach older kids? maybe she should offer herself as a substitute in the local jewish schools so she gets a feel for a classroom. might not be her thing in he long run.

She needs to be productive. whether you and your DH feel she needs to make money or not is a personal decision.

dancingqueen

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:45 pm

Chayalle wrote:

That’s why I davka suggested community college which is cheaper. But to each their own.

ETA: if she’s only taking a few course she can of course work part time as well.

Last edited by dancingqueen on Mon, Oct 30 2017, 3:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

Fox

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 2:55 pm

There is nothing quite as beneficial as a lousy job.

Whether your first job comes at age 16 or 60, it is likely to be boring, dirty, unpleasant, or some combination of all three. However, first jobs are where we learn what tasks we like, what tasks we can't stand, and how to get along with coworkers, bosses, customers, and all the odd people that wander through the workday.

No matter how lousy a job and how poorly paid, it's more than she has now. "Provided full-time child care" is a line on a resume. "Hung out around the house and texted my friends" is not. A job paying $10 per hour to a young woman living at home without significant expenses adds up incredibly quickly into significant savings.

If you'd prefer she not work in a non-Jewish/non-frum environment, there are almost always opportunities to work in child care, school offices, shadowing special needs children, etc.

Now, she may say, "But I don't want to be a babysitter!" or "I hated school! Why would I want to work there?" or "I'll only get paid $10 per hour!" True, but irrelevant. If she can find a better job, she's free to take it, but if babysitting is what's available? Voila! Mamaleh, you're going to become the best babysitter in the world.

I'm a strong opponent of going to college to find oneself -- for the reasons Chayalle mentioned and more. Perhaps people found themselves in college in previous generations, but colleges these days don't seem to have a lot of unclaimed selves sitting around, ready to be returned to their rightful owners. What they seem to have is the opportunity to go into significant debt with dubious hope of return.

So now that the family simcha is over, tell her how much you appreciated her help but that you can't hold her back from building her own future. Help her put together a resume and start a job search. Coach her on how to be successful at that job and parlay it into something better. If she discovers along the way that she needs additional education or develops an interest in something that she wants to pursue, then she can go to college or taxidermy school or whatever gets her excited.

Hatzlacha! I don't know why anyone talks about the "Terrible Twos"; I think the "Terrible Early 20s" is more accurate!

simcha2

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 9:56 pm

I may be seen as mean, but are you charging her rent?

Yes, she may need some time to decide what she wants, but having responsibilities forces one to grow and is an important life lesson before entering shiddichim.

If she has to pay rent (even a nominal amount), she has to have a job. Even if it's bagging groceries at the supermarket, it will encourage her to get out of the house, budget, be responsible for being on time, learning to get along with people who may be different to her etc.

We don't always get to work in our dream career. Working because one needs the income (even though as her parents you are a huge safety net), is an incredibly important lesson for life.

Helping around and hanging out around the house can become a security blanket that makes it hard to take the next step.

amother

Silver

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:44 pm

OP here:
Thank you for all of your replies!

A few things:

Regarding her help with the recent simcha: we didn't delay her starting school or a job, or anything else she may want to do so she could help out. If she had wanted to do something, we would have highly encouraged her! Rather, the simcha kept her busy. Just wanted to clarify that.

Regarding her starting a school program to "find herself" or figure out what she wants to do: We don't have money to do that! Even community college classes cost thousands of dollars! We just can't throw money away like that.

As for jobs, even babysitting: I have encouraged her from the beginning of the summer to call around the moms in town to offer babysitting help. She doesn't want to. I've encouraged her to volunteer at the old age home, hospital, library, schools so she could keep busy and get experience. She doesn't want to do that either. The one thing I won't do is make calls for her! She is old enough to call places and ask questions, and express interest in working. I even encouraged her to take jewelry making, baking, scrapbooking and other classes at a local craft store. She doesn't want to do that either.

She is perfectly content sitting at home on a old laptop watching DIY You-Tube videos.

We told her if she wants her own cell phone, she needs to get a job, and we have stuck to that despite her complaints. (The cell phone she used during seminary was given to her younger sister who is now in seminary.)

Frankly, I'd rather she find something to do...job, volunteer work, classes....than help around the house. Someone said it's like a security blanket for her. I agree.

Right before Sukkos, I did help her put together a resume, so that she would have one all set.