I am dying a slow, painful death with my son's behavior.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:01 pm

I have not been on this website in years, but I seriously don't know who to turn to. I hope someone here can direct me. I have a son who is 12, very close to bar mitzvah. On the outside, he is an angel. He never acts up in school, never gets in trouble. He is extremely self conscious about himself and about what everyone is thinking. THEN HE COMES HOME. He terrorizes the family. I am his #1 victim. He calls me every disgusting low words out there. He turns into a monster if I don't let him have what he wants. He recently started becoming violent with me. He smacks, punches, kicks me etc. He can CARE LESS what I say. I have punished him until I have no more ideas. I have literally confiscated every single thing he ever owned. I refuse to give him dinner or do things for him. He is horrible to his siblings. He will walk right by them and smack them for no reason. He is always looking to bother or fight someone. I really cannot stand him. I already have many health issues and I fear I might drop dead at any moment from the stress. I have met with a therapist but then we had a family death and we stopped going. He has never actually gone, only my husband and I. Sometimes I wish he would just disappear. He is completely ruining my life one moment at a time. I really don't even know if I love him. I am so over yelling and threatening. I can't do another minute of this. Has anyone been through this? Besides the obvious therapy is there anywhere else I can resort to to help me? I am so broken.
Side points:
1. Husband is a very laid back kind of person who rarely defends me. They are buddy buddy.
2. This has been going on for about 2.5 years with the last year being the worst.
3. He does not have any diagnosed physical or mental disabilities.
4. He is the oldest of 5

Any help or words of encouragement are literally pikuach nefesh as I feel I can't go on.

familyfirst

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:07 pm

Oh boy
This sounds so painful😒

Your husband MUST be on the same page as you. Physically abusing a mother is just beyond comprehensible.
Please get professional am guidance as to how to proceed. Would boarding school help?
You mention that he's not been diagnosed with any issues. Please reevaluate.

Hugs to you. You deserve love and respect. And the younger children do not need to feel traumatized in their own home.
Please get guidance asap

amother

Bisque

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:09 pm

Family therapy is an emergency here. First step needs to be a plan to establish physical safety in the home. Next, you need to work on your parenting skills ASAP. Your son seems to be in a tremendous amount of pain and is taking out his anger on you. Has there ever been a time that the two of you were close? Have you ever enjoyed spending time with him? Do you or your husband spend time with him in ways that he enjoys? Do you praise him for things he does well?

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:10 pm

amother wrote:

Since he never acts up in school, it seems he accepts their authority and respects his rebbe/menahel. I suggest you tell the rebbe exactly what's going on (don't threaten you will tell next time. Tell THIS time) perhaps the rebbe can have a good talk with him and things will improve. Hatslacha.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:17 pm

amother wrote:

We have never been close. He is very close with my husband. He feels that he can run to him and he will try to make light of what he has done to me. My husband will say to him "(name), you can't talk to mommy like that". That's about the most back up I get. I am quite critical to him as I am always ready for him to mess up. He doesn't like when I praise him. He gets really upset when I say anything nice to him.

browser

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:17 pm

Hugs op
I'm so sorry u are going through this. It sounds like a terrible situation. I don't have that much advice but I am wondering if you can send him to a yeshiva where he can dorm. It sounds like it's bad for him to be home because of his terrible behavior.
It bothers me that you wrote your husband is buddy buddy with him after all the things you wrote how he treats you and his siblings. Your husband has to be completely on your side. Not against your son, but together with you in disciplining him and he should not be standing for this... have you discussed this with him or the therapist?
I do think that's big. I don't know why your son is showing this aggression at home. If your husband has a better report with him , perhaps he can have more of a heart to heart with him about what is going on. But he should not ignore it. He sounds like he is actually in a much better position to address it because of his relationship .

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:20 pm

browser wrote:

Thank you for the hugs. It actually helps. Sending him away is not really an option. I know that I need major counseling and I will get it but in the meantime I don't have the time to wait 6 months for change. Each day he makes all the kids cry at some point. And the truth is I cry everyday too.

rae

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:20 pm

This sounds so so painful. No one has the right to hurt you and it must be so hurtful for your younger kids to witness this. That being said before you continue with punishments and threats can you set the reset button. Let him take off from school and spend the whole day with him doing fun stuff. When you’re done see if you could find a quiet place to eat and talk. Sometimes we find ourselves on this downward spiral and momentum keeps building in that direction. No kid behaves like that unless he’s covering up a tremendous amount of pain. This might be a cry for help.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:25 pm

I have a dc that has been behaving like this since age 2. (had play therapy for it, helped dc alot at that age). DC used to be violent, bh that behavior is mostly gone. One day dc decided to hate a younger sibling. The name calling, taking her things, belittling her is out of hand. It gets worse when dh does homework with her or does her shabbos questions.

I realized that there is a reason why my DC is behaving like this.

DC needs attention, lots of it, more than I can possibly give. If its not given in a positive way it will be demanded in a negative way.

Can you experiment by picking up only your ds from yeshiva one day and spending time with him. Maybe going out for pizza. Give him the attention he craves. Everyday as soon as you ds walks into the door give him a hug and kiss. Give him his own time with you every evening before bedtime, all you need is a few minutes. Talk only positive. Try it for a few days, dont discuss misbehavior during this quality time, see if there is any difference.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:34 pm

I'm very sorry for what you are experiencing but your son's behavior is criminal. I'm more than angry that your husband doesn't recognize this.
Domestic violence (and yes a teen assaulting his mother is DV) is not fixed by an afternoon out and some ice cream. Your whole family needs help and you need a safety plan for you and your other children if your husband isn't going to intervene.

Please heed the advice of the mothers up thread and get professional help immediately. I'm sure there are Imas that can help you with a referral if you let us know your general area.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 10:36 pm

amother wrote:

I feel along with your pain.

Your son needs a psychiatrist who will evaluate and probably put him on some meds to control and tame down his behavior.

Should hashem give you the strength to overcome your challenge.

If the op's ds behaves fine in school and acts out at home maybe its because there is alot of pain.

My DC was being teased alot in school and terrorized on the bus. So when dc came home it was explosion time. Giving my dc time to chill out with me everyday gave me insight, a bit a time with a comment here and there.

the bus problem was solved by talking to the school a couple of times, I gave dc some tools to deal with the teasing.

also, dc is a kid that just needs alot of attention. If its not given then its demanded with bad behavior.

rae

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 11:08 pm

You can take him to a psychiatrist, he’ll be put on one medication after another. Probably refuse to take it. Then you’ll have to threaten hospitalization or police. Next comes suggestions such as boarding schools or wilderness programs. Once you’re down that path it’s a long long haul.
There’s no excuse for violence and your son might need meds or similar help. But you have to do it from a place of love and caring. Not desperation and anger. As painful as it is to have a child act out like that, it’s even more painful when you find out why.
He needs to be evaluated, you need a safety plan but before anything you need to try to reset. When he feels you love him and you’re out for his best interest then whatever you need to do will be smoother and easier.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 12:21 am

OP...been there. Son is now 23, but the reign of terror started around 12. My ds was bullied a lot at school, and I wonder if that is happening with your son. My ds also had straight As in yeshiva, but the bullying happened on the playground or lunch/before school. Please look into this. B'kitzur, secular therapy did not help; in fact, it made it worse. Not saying it won't help your son. Maybe we had the wrong ones.

After he went beserk on dd's bas mitzvah, we called police. They saw he is a frum boy and talked with him, and it shook him up. He was thrown out of yeshiva after trashing his dorm in 10th grade. He "homeschooled"...not really, the rest of year and ended up in a 3 day psych hold for suicidal talk, which in retrospect was a bracha. We negotiated with him and therapists to allow a coed community day school. We hired him a personal trainer for weight training which totally changed his life. He felt great about himself and those endorphins helped too. He is makpid on working out to this day. I felt like I was losing my sanity...was so scared (my dd has PTSD as do I from those days; my dh was also fairly passive). The turnaround was a very slow process. We did find a frum therapist for a short stint and hypnosis helped with his social anxiety. I'm pretty sure he has undiagnosed Aspergers.

He found the day school kids to be kind and caring, which was so healing for him. He is now a senior in college, looking to go to grad school. It is still challenging to be around him as he has a lot of anxiety issues (which we continue to urge him to seek therapy for), but he is respectful and polite. He has never lived at home and boards at college year-round. I really don't want him to live here post college though. I'll tell you that I had a good Rav I could speak with and that helped, but truly.....non-stop tefillah got me through. I know how you feel towards him, but he needs to know you love him, while enforcing boundaries. If he is striking you, or terrorizing your family by violent tirades, you will have to call the police. Your lives are important and you are not korbanos. I hung on by a thread and I'm still suffering from PTSD (which I get therapy for) but life gets brighter and there is hope and healing...mamash.