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My toddler acts obnoxious! Please help!
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:36 pm
I need help dealing with my 3 year old. I've read 'how to talk so kids will listen,' but it's not enough. We are normal, functional, intelligent parents. We don't yell. We don't hit. He is definitely a normal kid developmentally, emotionally, and socially. He cooperates in his prek program and the teachers have no problems with him. But at home he is just obnoxious. Everything is a power struggle. He is insulting - everything is "you're ichy" "don't talk to me" - constant whining, kvetching, and tantruming. Simple things like getting dressed, eating supper, etc. are a huge battle. I'm exhausted from dealing with him every day. I need a strategy. I feel like he is so unpleasant to be around, he is adorable and bright but from the moment he gets home I'm dealing with tantrums, yelling. Even the simplest thing I ask him to do is "NO!" Everything has to be fought about. Please please help. Recommend a book, a program, something.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 1:49 pm
Any ideas or strategies... he'll be home from school in about an hour and I'm already dreading it.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 1:57 pm
I always tell people, "anyone who complains about the Terrible Twos never let their child get to 3."
It's just a tough age. Kids learn the boundaries when they're 2, and they test them when they're 3. It was an age of failed sticker charts and many time-outs, both for my kids and for myself. Just remind yourself that this too shall pass...and have a nice big glass of wine once he's in bed!
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:02 pm
But I feel like I'm not parenting effectively... it shouldn't be so hard to get him dressed in the morning... what am I doing wrong?! Why does he yell insults at every passing stranger?
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:12 pm
I tell my kids that I'm the ichiest Ima.
Try to avoid direct commands, try to be creative to get him where you want. Often a choice of two options works well. (Where do you want to put your coat, on the hook or on the hanger? Which do you want to eat first, the chicken or the rice?)
Counting worked for some (can you put on your pants before I get to ten?)
A race (can you get to your room before me? I'm going so fast!)
"Strict" rules (please pick up only the yellow toys. Hey! I said yellow don't put that one!). My kids love this.
Instead. Of commands, suggestions sometimes work. Since he was given the option to decline, you don't need to punish.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:36 pm
Help him come up with compliments for every passing stranger. Teach him how much fun it is to make someone smile. Keep track of how many smiles he gathered each day.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 3:08 pm
I like a lot of what lymnok says. I used a bunch of reverse psychology-esque tactics in those days: "no matter what, do NOT put in this shirt young man. No, I said DON'T put it on. No! Don't get dressed!" (Obviously not said in a really mean or angry tone, just jokingly stern). This can be applied to many things.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:17 pm
I just locked myself in my room; he is hollering and kicking and I just can't take him anymore. I really can't stand him. I picked him up from school. Gave him a treat to eat on the way. Shmoozed with him the whole way. Then he had a meltdown because I put the spoon in his yogurt for him. He yanked it out and shouted "go wash it now!" I said you need to ask nicely, like a big boy. When you ask nicely I want to help you." He starts throwing a fit, kicking and screaming, and in middle of his fit (he ALWAYS does this, it's maddening) starts screaming "I want you to hold me." So I told him I need you to talk nicely and calm down so I can hold you." And now he totally lost it. I am so fed up with him. I try all the strategies above and he is still the most obnoxious, stubborn three year old I can imagine. I am so fed up with him. I intensely dislike him right now.
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Motherhood




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 5:05 pm
I totally understand you! I had that the entire summer! I also read the book "How to talk so kids will listen..." and I did find it helping a bit. For example, logic doesnt work when kids are angry. So telling them to calm down, or explaining why you cant do something for them will not work. When my son (who is almost 3) acts up and yells or kicks, I will very calmly put him in his room and close the door. I tell him that only once he's quiet can he come out. Last week he was there for 2 hours bec he couldnt get his jacket off, but refused to let me help.... I also try distracting him whenever possible or make things into a joke. Like "uh oh, you just hit me? I'm gonna catch you and tickle your hands..." It usually does the trick!
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 5:34 pm
Op is he your oldest?

I really don't like the way you're talking about him. It sounds dysfunctional. Repeat after me:

He is just a baby. He is just a baby. He is just a baby. He is just a baby. He is just a baby. He is just a baby. Please get yourself parenting help. Read the thread about the son causing the mother a slow death. That's how it all started. When her son was three years old, she felt like she hated him because of his tantrums.

Here's a tip. Next time he has a tantrum, lay down next to him. When he asks you why, tell him because you see he's upset so your staying next to him to be there to comfort him whenever he is ready for it. Stay calm the whole time. Your hysteria is what is getting him out of control.
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Motherhood




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 6:05 pm
I agree he is just a baby, but I also understand the feeling of disliking toward your child in such situations. Its just when you hear screaming and yelling and crying all day, it brings your mood down. What I also learned is that my frustration also gets him out of control, which is why I would calmly leave him in his room. This way I dont get frustrated bec I dont hear him cry, and I do it calmly so he knows I mean business, not just hysteria.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 6:17 pm
Is he sensory?
Some kids don't know how to calm themselves down. There is a method of recognizing certain situations in which the following can help. Hold him in tight hug pinning his arms down so he can't hurt you. You can chant a mantra to him or just hold him till he calms down.

He is upset about whatever. Give him sympathy for that. Give in to him sometimes, as in, pick your battles.
In your yogurt situation, you could start a discussion about how he likes his yogurt. All the details so he feels heard and understood. Who opens it? All the way or not? does he lick the top? Which spoon is best? Does he prefer a straw? Does he like to get the spoon from the drawer himself?
Until then you can just sympathetically tell him, "Oy, your spoon is dirty, that's upsetting.".
He could wash it too. And dry it.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 7:04 pm
Iymnok wrote:
Is he sensory?
Some kids don't know how to calm themselves down. There is a method of recognizing certain situations in which the following can help. Hold him in tight hug pinning his arms down so he can't hurt you. You can chant a mantra to him or just hold him till he calms down.


He is upset about whatever. Give him sympathy for that. Give in to him sometimes, as in, pick your battles.
In your yogurt situation, you could start a discussion about how he likes his yogurt. All the details so he feels heard and understood. Who opens it? All the way or not? does he lick the top? Which spoon is best? Does he prefer a straw? Does he like to get the spoon from the drawer himself?
Until then you can just sympathetically tell him, "Oy, your spoon is dirty, that's upsetting.".
He could wash it too. And dry it.


THIS. Esp. the bolded.

OP it's extremely frustrating. One of my kids is sensory and I figured out, at some point that hugging tightly during a melt-down has a real calming effect.

I think it's amazing that your ds already knows that about himself, that when he feels overwhelmed, a tight hug from you will calm him.

Or, maybe when you scold him he feels scared that you are rejecting him and he wants reassurance from you that you love him. Re-reading your post, I see that you say you locked yourself in your room during his tantrum.

I understand that you feel helpless, but locking yourself in a room can be terrifying for a three year old. Please, please don't do that anymore.

You say you find it maddening that he asks to be held while he's melting down.

Try not to think of his melt-down, and even of his demands re the spoon, as misbehavior. His meltdowns are because he is not able to articulate his feelings.

That's what he needs you for--to help him learn how to calm himself when life is overwhelming.

Once he's completely, 100% calm, you can try to discuss the incident and find out why he was so upset about the spoon.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 7:16 pm
Hi everyone, thanks.

Mommy3b2c - thanks, but chill. There's no hysteria, I never raise my voice at him, and I'm almost always calm and even keeled when I talk to him. You were reading my thoughts at the moment he was tantruming; I love him to pieces and believe he's truly lovable. So you can relax about that, but thanks for your input anyway. (Not everyone is a dysfunctional parent about to ruin their kid; some parents just deal with normal feelings of intense frustration in the moment.)

laiya and lymnok -
Can you tell me more about the sensory? He has some behaviors that definitely are. Always kvetching about how his tzitzis are rubbing him / his shoes need to be strapped to a certain tightness / when he's spacing out he usually strokes his cheek or hand / etc.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 8:36 pm
amother wrote:
Hi everyone, thanks.

Mommy3b2c - thanks, but chill. There's no hysteria, I never raise my voice at him, and I'm almost always calm and even keeled when I talk to him. You were reading my thoughts at the moment he was tantruming; I love him to pieces and believe he's truly lovable. So you can relax about that, but thanks for your input anyway. (Not everyone is a dysfunctional parent about to ruin their kid; some parents just deal with normal feelings of intense frustration in the moment.)

laiya and lymnok -
Can you tell me more about the sensory? He has some behaviors that definitely are. Always kvetching about how his tzitzis are rubbing him / his shoes need to be strapped to a certain tightness / when he's spacing out he usually strokes his cheek or hand / etc.


No worries. I believe that you love him more then anything. I still think your feelings are to intense being that we're talking about a 3 year old. If he was six, your intense feelings would be more understandable.

Also, even if you talk to him calmly, he still feels your anxiety.

And even if you disregard everything else I say, you should still try to lay next to him when he tantrums. It works wonders.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 8:50 pm
amother wrote:
Hi everyone, thanks.

Mommy3b2c - thanks, but chill. There's no hysteria, I never raise my voice at him, and I'm almost always calm and even keeled when I talk to him. You were reading my thoughts at the moment he was tantruming; I love him to pieces and believe he's truly lovable. So you can relax about that, but thanks for your input anyway. (Not everyone is a dysfunctional parent about to ruin their kid; some parents just deal with normal feelings of intense frustration in the moment.)

laiya and lymnok -
Can you tell me more about the sensory? He has some behaviors that definitely are. Always kvetching about how his tzitzis are rubbing him / his shoes need to be strapped to a certain tightness / when he's spacing out he usually strokes his cheek or hand / etc.


I think there's no harm in having him evaluated for OT. I'd also ask his teachers what their impressions are.

Even if he doesn't qualify for OT, he might be a kid who's very sensitive to his the sensory things in his environment. Maybe try to see if sensory-type things help calm him (music, trampoline, play dough etc. Or you can google sensory activities).

Maybe at the end of a school day, he just needs to decompress.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 8:54 pm
mommy3b2c - thanks, I'll try that.
Does anyone have any sort of "program"? I'm really looking for a general mehalech in dealing with him - like a parenting method that would work for him, as opposed to tricks for here and there. There's got to be a theory. I wish I understood more about a toddler's psyche. Any suggestions of what to read?
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 6:29 am
OP, another vote for looking into OT for sensory issues, or any other gross/fine motor issues. They can cause a lot of mental frustration for kids. My 3.5 year old is a different boy since he started OT. He had a really difficult time emotionally in school last year but is thriving now.

Also, is he still napping? Many 3 year olds have given up naps but really still need them. My kids could push through with no nap at that age but that last chunk of the day (from school until bedtime) I was walking on eggshells because of their moodiness. Sleep is so important when it comes to behavior and development for kids. My son is still napping at a school and at home and I have no plans to transition him out of it. Just something to consider.
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 6:41 am
This is a great book by Deborah MacNamara, it's called: Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One).

I'd thoroughly recommend it to understand what to expect and what not to expect and what you can do etc. Have a look at it and see what you think.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 8:44 am
I don't know much about sensory, just some things here and there.
T-shirt tzitzis may be better for him.
There is something called the sensory diet. Look it up and try some of it.

Some classics suggestions are to put his socks on inside out so the seam won't bother him.
A weighted blanket.
Only certain fabrics.
A blanket or stuffed animal made of a fabric he loves to stroke.
Lots of touch, both gentle and firm. Some kids like the weight of someone even sitting on them.
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