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My toddler acts obnoxious! Please help!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 11:13 am
How about vitamins. It worked for me when I young. If he's doing what three year olds do when eating, he probably isn't getting enough nutrients. I feel vitamins really make a difference in moods. Couldn't hurt to try.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 12:45 pm
amother wrote:
I just locked myself in my room; he is hollering and kicking and I just can't take him anymore. I really can't stand him. I picked him up from school. Gave him a treat to eat on the way. Shmoozed with him the whole way. Then he had a meltdown because I put the spoon in his yogurt for him. He yanked it out and shouted "go wash it now!" I said you need to ask nicely, like a big boy. When you ask nicely I want to help you." He starts throwing a fit, kicking and screaming, and in middle of his fit (he ALWAYS does this, it's maddening) starts screaming "I want you to hold me." So I told him I need you to talk nicely and calm down so I can hold you." And now he totally lost it. I am so fed up with him. I try all the strategies above and he is still the most obnoxious, stubborn three year old I can imagine. I am so fed up with him. I intensely dislike him right now.



Why are you leaving the room? Aside from your ds possibly injuring himself or causing damage to his surroundings, you are showing him that he has power and control over you.

When you dipped the spoon and your ds said "Go wash it now!" you were ready to comply with his request. Was there really a need to wash the spoon?

Rather, I would have responded to your son with, "No, either you're going to eat this yogurt or I am putting it away"

If he then followed with a tantrum, I would let him act out in a safe supervised area. But not give in. No hugs or special blankets. Just patience and resolve that eventually he will stop or just tire himself out.

Being that we really all don't know your son, I would talk about this with your pediatrician and see about attending therapy with him. He needs a healthy way to deal with frustration and as a mom you need the proper tools how to handle this aspect of his personality.

Years ago, I attended therapy with a child pyshchologyst and my son. We played games and learned how to handle adversity and social challenges at the same time. My son went from fits of rage to learning how to self talk and take deep breathes to calm himself down. I learned how to support him and speak to him when frustration sets in.

Baruch Ha-shem he is growing into a special and mature young man who has insight and control over his emotions.

He called his psychologist the "Feelings doctor"

OP, please seek this route. You have so much to gain and learn.
I wish you only success, please start now.
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LiLIsraeli




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 1:21 pm
OP, he's not acting obnoxious. He's acting like a toddler, which is what he is. He isn't acting this way because he's giving you a hard time - he's having a hard time! Emotion regulation is a skill that needs to be learned, but it sounds like you're expecting him to have mastered it at three years old. He needs to see this behavior modeled for him, so he can learn it himself. In the yogurt situation, you might have handled it like this:

Him: Go wash it now!
You: Oh, you wanted to do it yourself?
Him: Nodding tearfully
You: Oh, okay. Come, let's wash it.

Lead him by the hand to the sink, wash the spoon together, and then give it back.

You: Here you go, now you can put the spoon in yourself!

The words "Calm down" NEVER work. Have you ever calmed down just by being told to calm down? It's incredibly invalidating to hear that and most people (toddlers included) just get more worked up. He needs to be taught to label and express his emotions in a healthy way. By you naming his emotions as he feels them, he will learn to do this.

The toddler years are incredibly difficult. IYH with love, patience, and acceptance - and easing up a bit on the discipline, because you can't discipline a child when they're in an emotionally worked up state - they'll pass!

Here are a list of books that may help: https://www.themilitarywifeand.....line/
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Busy as a bee




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 1:49 pm
In terms of the sensory and tantrums I had a similar issue when my son was 3. I realized a few things.

1. Even if not for a valid reason, he was really mad - and that needed to be validated. I worked on emotional intelligence with him so he could identify the feelings that he was having (happy, sad, anger, mad, excited, nervous)

2. Once we identified the feeling he was having I realized he didn't have "coping" mechanisms for dealing with those feelings and as a parent I needed to teach him those. One I got from a kids tv show (gasp!) but it was some songs that he liked. (daniel tiger FYI)
We would sing them together and do them. ie:

" When you feel so mad
That you want to roar
Take a deep breath
And count to four
One, two, three, four"

or
" Give a squeeze, nice and slow
Take a deep breath, let it go"

and I would sing them repetitively when he was having a tantrum till he started to sing/do them with me.

The squeeze one I would put him on my lap and sing it again and again and actually do it on him which helped the sensory part.

As he got better with understanding his feelings and being able to deal with them we discussed other things that calmed him down - like time outs in his bed with his blankie (sensory again) and a pile of books for him to look through.

Obviously you need to find what works for your child but I think by helping him understand how he is feeling and why (GOOD AND BAD) you will help him have more control and be happier and you will be as well Very Happy
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Busy as a bee




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 1:52 pm
Just rereading your example with the spoon - it obviously was really frustrating for him that you put the spoon in the yogurt. While you think its so not a big deal, for him it was upsetting and frustrating and instead of being able to verbalize it (which he can't yet cuz he doesnt understand those feelings) he just lashes out.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 2:57 pm
LiLIsraeli wrote:
OP, he's not acting obnoxious. He's acting like a toddler, which is what he is. He isn't acting this way because he's giving you a hard time - he's having a hard time! Emotion regulation is a skill that needs to be learned, but it sounds like you're expecting him to have mastered it at three years old. He needs to see this behavior modeled for him, so he can learn it himself. In the yogurt situation, you might have handled it like this:

Him: Go wash it now!
You: Oh, you wanted to do it yourself?
Him: Nodding tearfully
You: Oh, okay. Come, let's wash it.

Lead him by the hand to the sink, wash the spoon together, and then give it back.

You: Here you go, now you can put the spoon in yourself!

The words "Calm down" NEVER work. Have you ever calmed down just by being told to calm down? It's incredibly invalidating to hear that and most people (toddlers included) just get more worked up. He needs to be taught to label and express his emotions in a healthy way. By you naming his emotions as he feels them, he will learn to do this.

The toddler years are incredibly difficult. IYH with love, patience, and acceptance - and easing up a bit on the discipline, because you can't discipline a child when they're in an emotionally worked up state - they'll pass!

Here are a list of books that may help: https://www.themilitarywifeand.....line/


Great post!
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 6:06 pm
The 1-2-3 Magic Book works nicely for us in a lot of situations.

At a time when my toddler was not having a tanturm I taught her some simple deep breathing - put your hands on your stomach and breathe in so it feels like your stomach is getting bigger and breathe out so you feel it getting smaller, do it 3 times. I have to do deep breathing with her, but as she gets older, she asks for us to do oit together sometimes even when she's crying because she recognizes that she wants to calm down but still needs some help.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 7:08 pm
Sara Yaroslowitz is an OT and parenting expert. She has a CD that is sold in seforim stores. She also sells it in a book form. She deals a lot with tantrums.
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