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Help- we are clueless neighbors and want to do this right!
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:53 pm
Hi everyone!

Here's the backstory: We recently (9 weeks ago) moved into a lovely little house in a neighbor on the outskirts of Lakewood. We have been so fortunate in our new neighbors. We were welcomed very warmly by the families on our block, especially by our next door neighbor. When we first moved in, they were constantly sending over food and offers of help. Our kids are not exactly the same age, but go the same school, and have spent a lot of time playing together since we've moved in. Mrs. Next Door Neighbor cooked shabbos food for me for the first several weeks after we moved in. She also has been so thoughtful about introducing me to other neighbors and including me in neighborhood events. I can see this developing into a very lovely friendship between our two families.

Mr. and Mrs. Next Door Neighbor are now making a bar mitzvah for one of their boys. My husband and I need help knowing what to contribute to this event. I'm feeling very unsure about what to do.

From things I've picked up from conversations since moving here, it seems like baking or buying something for their shabbos kiddush is pretty standard. Getting a gift for the Bar Mitzva boy also seems standard. From a recent conversation I had with another neighbor, it seems that many families get each other a nice bottle of booze to celebrate a shabbos kiddush.

So...

Classy, social-savvy imamothers, help me out! This is a brand new friendship, but will in all likelihood be a family that we will have close ties to for many years to come. We would like to also show our gratitude for all the kindness they've shown us since our move. Our kids are really little, so my our knowledge of bar mitzvah etiquette is really limited.

What do I send for the kiddush? Do we need to send booze as well? What is a respectable bottle of booze (we dont drink much)? How much should such a thing cost (gulp!)? What do I buy for a gift for the bar mitzva boy?

Any help/insight would be so appreciated!
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:59 pm
if you want to spend then order a chocolate platter and flowers - or just one thing

for the boy, maybe a set of seforim that he can exchange if he wants? Or a gift card?
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 11:04 pm
You don’t need to send a bottle and something for the kiddush. Either/or. Also, if you want to send something for the kiddush, check if there will be a party planner because then you would go through her. Honestly if you don’t have the extra cash you don’t need to spend more than 25 and if you can get away with less no one has to know... Re gift for bar mitzva boy, I generally give around $75 bec that’s what I can afford but I know others give more and I’m sure people give less as well.
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lech lecha08




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 3:44 am
If you have extra space, you could also ask her if she needs any family hosted.
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nw11




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 5:19 am
If you have extra fridge/freezer space, offer it to her. If you have time and energy offer her to do last minute errands such as dry cleaning pick up, delivering welcome packs etc. Does she have little kids that might need entertainment the day before? How about sending in a supper or even just a soup the night before? Pick what works for you. People generally appreciate these genuine offers of help more than the formal gift giving. And whichever gift you do send them, attach a warm note with it expressing your hakoras hatov to them.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 7:43 am
OP here. These responses are so helpful everyone-- thank you!

So... I have offered many of the suggestions some of you mentioned. She didn't need our guest room and has big kids who drive and are running her errands. I had her kids all Sunday afternoon so that she could run errands. I also got her boys (along with mine) off the bus and took them home with me for supper a couple of days in the lead up to this bar mitzvah. The other suggestions are not really practical for me, but really good ideas to file away for later!

I'm specifically stumped by what to send for the kiddush, and what to get the bar mitzvah boy. I don't want to get seforim. I feel like he's going to get so many of those. It's kind of boring. Plus my husband and I wouldn't have the slightest clue as to what book to get.

Seems like I only need to get a bottle of something, or send a cake/cookie/chocolate platter. Anyone have any ideas of what I can send? Of course, I'll send a nice note along with whatever else I send.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 7:47 am
Cash is king Wink
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 7:55 am
I don't do anything unless invited.
I bought headphones (my husband's choice) for very dear neighbour's BM and it was very well received. Cash is cold and ridiculous unless you can give a certain sum. Another person, the parents insisted on no gift, so we did twice 18.Which was about the price of the headphone.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 8:05 am
DVOM wrote:
OP here. These responses are so helpful everyone-- thank you!

So... I have offered many of the suggestions some of you mentioned. She didn't need our guest room and has big kids who drive and are running her errands. I had her kids all Sunday afternoon so that she could run errands. I also got her boys (along with mine) off the bus and took them home with me for supper a couple of days in the lead up to this bar mitzvah. The other suggestions are not really practical for me, but really good ideas to file away for later!

I'm specifically stumped by what to send for the kiddush, and what to get the bar mitzvah boy. I don't want to get seforim. I feel like he's going to get so many of those. It's kind of boring. Plus my husband and I wouldn't have the slightest clue as to what book to get.

Seems like I only need to get a bottle of something, or send a cake/cookie/chocolate platter. Anyone have any ideas of what I can send? Of course, I'll send a nice note along with whatever else I send.


Ask if there is a party planner - this way you can ask party planner if you can contribute to something specific. If not, ask her where she's ordering her Kiddush cakes/ sweet table gooddies from.. this way you can contact them directly and let them know you want to pay for something.. I like that better then sending over a random cake or platter, because you know the hostel chose these miniatures or cakes and your buying it for her.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 8:39 am
Ruchel wrote:
I don't do anything unless invited.
I bought headphones (my husband's choice) for very dear neighbour's BM and it was very well received. Cash is cold and ridiculous unless you can give a certain sum. Another person, the parents insisted on no gift, so we did twice 18.Which was about the price of the headphone.


In Lakewood/Brooklyn/five towns checks/cash are very accepted and appreciated
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 8:56 am
amother wrote:
In Lakewood/Brooklyn/five towns checks/cash are very accepted and appreciated


OOT too.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 9:23 am
Ok, so the consensus is that cash would be appreciated. I hear that, but I hate giving cash. I'd rather buy something. Any ideas? The kid is very into sports, if that helps... Is it OK to give a sports related bar mitzva gift? Does it need to have a religious theme to it? Not that I have any specific sports type gift ideas.

I called another neighbor to clarify about the kiddush. There's no party planner or particular theme or color scheme. Bake? Buy? what???? A bottle of something is looking very tempting just because its so easy, but I dont know anything about booze! Anyone have any suggestions?
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 9:34 am
DVOM wrote:
Ok, so the consensus is that cash would be appreciated. I hear that, but I hate giving cash. I'd rather buy something. Any ideas? The kid is very into sports, if that helps... Is it OK to give a sports related bar mitzva gift? Does it need to have a religious theme to it? Not that I have any specific sports type gift ideas.

I called another neighbor to clarify about the kiddush. There's no party planner or particular theme or color scheme. Bake? Buy? what???? A bottle of something is looking very tempting just because its so easy, but I dont know anything about booze! Anyone have any suggestions?


I agree that cash is impersonal.
For the Kiddush maybe you can offer to come help setup, especially if she is not having a party planner.
Re the booze. go to the local liquor/wine store and give them your budget. They will suggest something nice. Or maybe a nice cheesecake for Shabbos morning?
For the boy, I thik something sporty for a Bar Mitzva is ok if you are a friend of the child but as adults and family friends I think something Judaic would be more appropriate IMHO.
Not sure what your budget is but you can get a silver becher for under $100. Or Maybe a silver plated Menorah (Chanuka is around the corner!).

You seem like a really sweet neighbor.. wan to move to Brooklyn!?
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 10:48 am
I’d send a beautiful fruit platter.
It’s pricey but always appreciated.

Also, maybe becher for the boy?
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 10:55 am
I like to give something jewish themed but not a sefer eg
Esrog box
Shofar
Stamper with his name on for his seforim

I like the above idea of a menorah as chanuka is coming up . You can get a really nice glass one or a silver one.
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doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 11:03 am
Since this will IY"H be your next-door neighbor for many, many years, and since they've gone above and beyond in being good to you, I would err on the side of being overly generous for their simcha.

Since you don't know about the sweets/baked goods situation, I would just send over a nice bottle of booze. You (or your DH) could just go into a local wine and spirits store and tell them your budget and see what they recommend, or you can't go wrong with a standard bottle of Woodford Reserve or Glenfidich 15.

As for the boy, since you don't want to give cash, I would probably just give a gift certificate ($75 if you can afford it, otherwise $50) to a local seforim store that he can then use to pick out what he wants. Otherwise, you could get him a nice menorah since Chanuka is coming up, which could be sports-themed if you like.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 11:08 am
doctorima wrote:
Since this will IY"H be your next-door neighbor for many, many years, and since they've gone above and beyond in being good to you, I would err on the side of being overly generous for their simcha.

Since you don't know about the sweets/baked goods situation, I would just send over a nice bottle of booze. You (or your DH) could just go into a local wine and spirits store and tell them your budget and see what they recommend, or you can't go wrong with a standard bottle of Woodford Reserve or Glenfidich 15.

As for the boy, since you don't want to give cash, I would probably just give a gift certificate ($75 if you can afford it, otherwise $50) to a local seforim store that he can then use to pick out what he wants. Otherwise, you could get him a nice menorah since Chanuka is coming up, which could be sports-themed if you like.

Not sports themed, this is Lakewood!
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 11:18 am
Sport themed Menorah? HUH?
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 11:19 am
amother wrote:
Not sports themed, this is Lakewood!


Lol! Cause everyone in Lakewood is the same?

https://www.traditionsjewishgi......html
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 11:21 am
DVOM wrote:
Ok, so the consensus is that cash would be appreciated. I hear that, but I hate giving cash. I'd rather buy something. Any ideas? The kid is very into sports, if that helps... Is it OK to give a sports related bar mitzva gift? Does it need to have a religious theme to it? Not that I have any specific sports type gift ideas.

I called another neighbor to clarify about the kiddush. There's no party planner or particular theme or color scheme. Bake? Buy? what???? A bottle of something is looking very tempting just because its so easy, but I dont know anything about booze! Anyone have any suggestions?

The 'glens' are some standard scotch options, glenfiddich, glenlivet, glenrothes. Go to the scotch section and pick something in your price range.
Is there a separate party/seudah that you were invited to? If you're only invited to the kiddush you're not expected to give a gift to the boy. If you are giving him a gift I would go with seforim or cash/gift certificates. I don't think sports gifts are appropriate for a bar mitzvah.
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