Doesn't accept consequences

amother

Lime

Fri, Nov 03 2017, 11:18 am

My 6 year old doesn't accept consequences. This has been an issue both at home and school. He doesn't even need consequences that often, he's very well behaved, but he's a kid, of course now and then he does the wrong thing. But he gets so angry when he's given a consequence and either tries to prevent it from happening or threatens that he's going to just do whatever anyway. I'm talking about reasonable, age appropriate, logical consequences for behavior that needs to be addressed. For example, we reach the time/limit at which the TV must be turned off. If he doesn't turn it off when asked, there is no TV tomorrow. He will tantrum, try to turn the TV back on, threaten to break things. Look, I understand if he would grumble or whine about it, but I need to be able to follow through without a whole fight. And this happens at school too. How can I help him learn to deal?

amother

Azure

Fri, Nov 03 2017, 3:46 pm

I had a DD with this issue. It was really there since she was a toddler but then you could just call it being a toddler. In kindergarten is when it became noticeably more problematic. We got her a SEIT and OT and I wish I knew exactly what they did but a couple of years later she is like a different child. You can still tell that this is an area she struggles with - she has a very hard time accepting or admitting when she is wrong about anything, and she certainly resists consequences, but now firm consistent parenting works pretty well. Sometimes there's crying and frustration but even then it's nothing nearly like it used to be. Used to be never worth enforcing any minor rule because the fallout would be such extreme escalation. Didn't want to think I was raising a spoiled brat but that's what it looked like. But if you told her that she wouldn't have shabbos party when the other kids did because she went and ate the nosh earlier, you would have a massive earsplitting tantrum, physical hitting-kicking-biting attacks, and throwing whatever she could get her hands on. She was totally off the wall. Now she's just a kid with some struggles.

amother

Lime

Fri, Nov 03 2017, 3:52 pm

He already gets all the services. He is not neurotypical, so I get it that he struggles with some things. But he is also very capable. And anyway, he needs to be able to handle consequences when they happen because they sometimes have to happen!

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Nov 03 2017, 4:11 pm

Does he get rewarded for good behavior?
Do you ever say, because you listened right away tomorrow you can get an extra 5 minutes of tv?
Perhaps sit down with him, when he's una good mood, take him out for ice cream, or something fun like that, and have a talk.
Let him know you want to give him lots and lots of treats and prizes if he earns them.
But-
At the same time if he doesn't earn them, he can't get them.
You are not taking anything away, he's just not earning it.
Charts always help.
Write the rules down and post them, so you can remind him on how to earn his treat or prize.

amother

Azure

Fri, Nov 03 2017, 4:19 pm

amother wrote:

If he's getting a range of services then ask for their support with this specific issue.

amother

Lime

Fri, Nov 03 2017, 4:20 pm

And it's not even like we emphasize oh you didn't do x so no sticker for that today, it's always, well, you didn't do it so there's no sticker, but look, you have 8 stickers already, for sure you'll earn your treat tomorrow because you do so well getting stickers! He still gets angry about not getting the sticker that he's not getting.

Iymnok

Sat, Nov 04 2017, 3:29 pm

In general, a strong reaction to a punishment or consequence shows that it is hitting the mark.
If the reaction is too strong then the consequence was too much or there is another issue (difficulty regulating emotions, non-neurotypical kid, etc.)