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Her hair is (one of) her problem! WTD?
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:11 am
The summary:
7 year old daughter, very sensory and has become incredibly challenging because of it. May have other anxiety and perfectionism issues, but nothing at all diagnosed- just mother's intuition and common sense...
Began CBT therapy, but barely. Getting her evaluated for OT soon IY"H.

The problem:
Every morning (among other issues) she asks me to make her hair (or demands it) and I make it the same exact way each day- exactly as she likes it. Almost every day she has a melt down because I didn't get each and every wisp of hair in her pony. Or she says she hates her hair, she hates curly hair- which is what she has. Or both of the above and then goes on to say she hates school and refuses to go.

I have not figured out a better solution yet. On occassion I let her miss her car pool and I take her late. Other times I force her in the car (usually while she is crying) and the teacher tells me later she is perfectly ok.

Today was a worse day- she was quasi ok with the morning routine. I didn't push or remind her to move, which takes effort on my end. I didn't even tell her to change her clothes, but while she was eating (when she finally sat down), I quietly helped her change her undergarments and socks- which B"H didn't initiate a melt down (happens often).
However- this morning I asked her if she was ready for me to make her hair. I asked because her hair was particularly messy- which does NOT bother me, but I know she wouldv'e had a fit when it was ready to go and told me then to make her hair. Anyway- I made her pony- nice tight, neat, and high- just the way she asks for it. Was not good for her. She felt very uncomfortable, she got very upset and ripped it out. Etc. etc. Finally, b'h she let me do it again. She complained this time but kept it in. But continued to cry and complain and say no school etc. I put her in the car while crying because I had an appointment to be at and couldn't bring her late today. Then I was told later, drop off at school didn't go well etiher. I ended up called the principal to get her from outside of the building! This has to be the worse incident every yet for us- and we've had some very difficult ones...

The Question:
a) what can I do to help her with her morning routine?
b) what can I do with her HAIR????

I know there are many other issues, but right now this is my concern because it affects her morning at school (the morah told me) and it affect myself and my husband very much. B"H we have a solid relationship bli ayin harah, but sometimes I get scared that this very challenging child (and another that seems to be going this route) will harm it. We haven't been able to focus on us- it is always about HER.

WOW- that was long! Thanks for reading and I appreciate any helpful advice whatstoever! I am almost at the end of my rope... I've been there before and be"H I'll climb back up...
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Maybe




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:18 am
Have you tried CBD oil or NAC capsules ?
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:23 am
[quote="Maybe"]Have you tried CBD oil or NAC capsules ?[/quote]

The answer is no, because I have no clue what they are and never heard of them before....
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:29 am
Wow she reminds me of my son. (Without the hair problem!)
So challenging I’ll be waiting for advice here.
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BrachaC




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:34 am
I'm sure someone will have an awesome idea, but I had two thoughts-
1. Are you comfortable with her hair? I always had straight "easy" hair and my first was born with what grew into this wild "jew fro" now- at 17 she takes care of it and it is gorgeous, but until she figured it out and played with all the products it was awful. So, there's the practical side.
2. It sounds like your daughter gets anxious about the transition into school and will find whatever things does not go well to get upset about and sort of release all of her anxiety about school revolving around that issue- so if it wasn't hair it would be clothing, or a missing folder or whatever. Therapy, OT and CBT are all great approaches, but you need a behavioral approach that is going to get her out the door tomorrow- all of those things are longer term. At a quiet calm time it would be great if the two of you could make a strategy for the mornings- make a plan and come up with the things that will help her stay calm. She may need small incentives for an immediate reward, and to know what supports you can give her along the way.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:41 am
How about getting her a pretty brush and teaching her to make her own hair? Maybe she will actually enjoy it.
If you make the brush wet before then it should be a little easier.
Can you make an incentive chart where she gets a check for each morning that went well?
Do a checklist for morning routine. If she completes it without a meltdown then she can pick a prize from the prize bin
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:45 am
[quote="BrachaC"]I'm sure someone will have an awesome idea, but I had two thoughts-
1. Are you comfortable with her hair? I always had straight "easy" hair and my first was born with what grew into this wild "jew fro" now- at 17 she takes care of it and it is gorgeous, but until she figured it out and played with all the products it was awful. So, there's the practical side.
2. It sounds like your daughter gets anxious about the transition into school and will find whatever things does not go well to get upset about and sort of release all of her anxiety about school revolving around that issue- so if it wasn't hair it would be clothing, or a missing folder or whatever. Therapy, OT and CBT are all great approaches, but you need a behavioral approach that is going to get her out the door tomorrow- all of those things are longer term. At a quiet calm time it would be great if the two of you could make a strategy for the mornings- make a plan and come up with the things that will help her stay calm. She may need small incentives for an immediate reward, and to know what supports you can give her along the way.[/quote]

1. I like her hair (similar to mine and always liked mine) and it is very easy to make. It is not crazy curly, more like fine cork screws and her hair is VERY long. She refuses to cut it because she is afraid she won't look good. It is definitely an issue when we wash and brush it too. But, for the morning it is easy enough to take care of- her issue is that she doesn't like it and she according to her it is not comfortable. etc.

2. She is definitely anxious about transitions. All types. I really do need to do this. It is my plan, but often we don't have a "quiet calm time" to do it. Confused She comes home with two other siblings in the afternoon. Somewhat chaotic for a bit. Then comes the anxiety or unhappiness with supper then bedtime. Daily story. I will try my best because it has just got to be done!

As it happens I am in middle of ready "the Exploding Child" by Ross Greene and find that she is very typical for his book. I just need to continue following his outlined steps. It is just so hard to get through this all.

Also, the more I read about what I should and shouldn't do- the more the yetzer harah works on getting me to do the wrong things!! Exploding anger
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:50 am
[quote="flowerpower"]How about getting her a pretty brush and teaching her to make her own hair? Maybe she will actually enjoy it.
If you make the brush wet before then it should be a little easier.
Can you make an incentive chart where she gets a check for each morning that went well?
Do a checklist for morning routine. If she completes it without a meltdown then she can pick a prize from the prize bin[/quote]

Thank you for the ideas. Not so suitable for her though. She has tried in the past to make her hair (she has a pretty brush) and gets incredibly frustrated with it. I think she does a decent job with it, but for her it needs to be perfect...
I do use a spray bottle to make her hair- it's fairly easy for me, thanks. It is her issue really.

I don't do incentive charts anymore, but there is no incentive for her once she gets mad. Then she gets even madder that she doesn't the the prize/check etc. Tried checklists. I'm serious that I feel like I have tried all the normal routes for this- I need a novel idea. But perhaps what I said before like the PP, I just need to sit with her discuss it.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 7:51 am
BrachaC has some great points.

You might look into behavioral therapies or strategies. The issue is only partly her hair, and, in larger part, her behavior in connection to it.

You might want to try creating two checklists.

One is hers. Write what factors make her happy with her hair? Maybe that list would look like this:

- brushed
- in a pony that is
- neat
- tight
- high

She would have the list in front of her when you do her hair, and should check off that it is done right. The thought is that the visual plus the checks might help her feel more of a sense of control.

The other list is yours. Her part is to brainstorm meaningful rewards she could earn, through points on a chart. There should be a few prizes, with the most valuable costing the most points. Actual prizes are OK, prizes for time to do something desirable are even better. The idea is to have one or two real challenges that have a big payoff, three things of medium difficulty with a medium payoff, and one or two super easy things that she can earn without much effort.

It might look like this:

Easy:(1 pt) - eat breakfast
- say good morning to someone
Medium (2 pts)
- change underwear
- change socks
- get dressed
- brush teeth
Hard (3 pts)
- get to carpool on time
- no morning tears
- cooperate w hairdoing

If she will cooperate, a conditioner plus blow-drying can go a long way towards straightening curls. You can ask your local stylist for ideas, too.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:05 am
Learn How to take care of curly hair and teach her. Or go to a diva salon. They’ll teach you. Never brush it, ever. Work out knots while wet with conditioner then no coving or brushing til wet again
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:15 am
[quote="andrea levy"]Learn How to take care of curly hair and teach her. Or go to a diva salon. They’ll teach you. Never brush it, ever. Work out knots while wet with conditioner then no coving or brushing til wet again[/quote]

Thank you. I have curly hair as well, I know Wink I don't really brush her hair out, I just smoooth it into a pony. I only comb when it is wet. Thank you for making sure I am aware!
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:17 am
Sounds like there is a lot going on, but I do believe that sensory issues are the biggest factor - because even if the behavioral things would still be an issue, when someone is very sensitive their brain is unable to focus on the higher-level things like following a schedule to get to school - it's like the circuit breakers keep getting tripped.

There are therapies that really help with this. Do not only look at accommodating the sensitivities (though that's important for survival, too) - she really needs to just get less sensitive. This is not hocus-pocus, it's real and important. Usually requires some combination of several of the following except for some individuals where it is really very gut-based who are helped enough by diet changes:
- nutritional supplementation
- diet changes
- deep pressure massage and/or brushing therapy
- sound therapy
- movement programs (OT, brain gym, etc)
- CAM such as essential oils etc.

After giving some time for the interventions to have an effect, then you would step up the behavioral/emotional focus, because she would still need to reprogram her reactions after years of having an automatic fight-or-flight reaction to sensory input.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:24 am
[quote="imasinger"]BrachaC has some great points.

You might look into behavioral therapies or strategies. [b] The issue is only partly her hair, and, in larger part, her behavior in connection to it.[/b]

You might want to try creating two checklists.

One is hers. Write what factors make her happy with her hair? Maybe that list would look like this:

- brushed
- in a pony that is
- neat
- tight
- high

She would have the list in front of her when you do her hair, and should check off that it is done right. The thought is that the visual plus the checks might help her feel more of a sense of control.

The other list is yours. Her part is to brainstorm meaningful rewards she could earn, through points on a chart. There should be a few prizes, with the most valuable costing the most points. Actual prizes are OK, prizes for time to do something desirable are even better. The idea is to have one or two real challenges that have a big payoff, three things of medium difficulty with a medium payoff, and one or two super easy things that she can earn without much effort.

It might look like this:

Easy:(1 pt) - eat breakfast
- say good morning to someone
Medium (2 pts)
- change underwear
- change socks
- get dressed
- brush teeth
Hard (3 pts)
- get to carpool on time
- no morning tears
- cooperate w hairdoing

If she will cooperate, a conditioner plus blow-drying can go a long way towards straightening curls. You can ask your local stylist for ideas, too.[/quote]



The Bolded is very true- I completely agreee! I just need to focus on this issue because it is a daily occurance.

I do very much like the idea of a checklist for her for her hair. Lists do work for her (temporarily, but right now I'm living moment to moment) fairly well b'h. So, during our "theoretical" brainstorming session later, I will have that as an idea to discuss- thanks!!

The point system will not be easy for me or something I want to do. So, just for that reason it will not work. In my house we have gone through stages with point systems, raffles, charts, incentives etc. The works. I have come to the conclusion that for the majority of my kids, they are not helpful. For this child in particular, it is not helpful. And besides, the others will feel jealous and want one too. It is too much for me, I know from the past.

I have heard a few times of a marble jar idea. I keep thinking about giving that a try. The thing is I want it to be a family thing rather than individual. My kids are competitive, then sore losers... As a team they work better, usually. HOWEVER I did try a group chart recently for Negel Vaaser in the morning- the point was for every kid who washed there was a check added. When the chart was done everyone went out for ice cream, the one with the most got extra sprinkles (or whatever extra). It worked ok, in the sense that it reminded most of them to wash their hands. But, for this 7 year old, it made no difference. I think she did it once, the first day. Then she got the reward anyway... Ho Hum... I've no clue...
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:29 am
I also have mixed feelings about charts.

I have learned that, done right, they do help for a while. It's hard to maintain ling term. But sometimes the short term boost is enough to start a better habit or mindset.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:29 am
[quote="seeker"]Sounds like there is a lot going on, but I do believe that sensory issues are the biggest factor - because even if the behavioral things would still be an issue, when someone is very sensitive their brain is unable to focus on the higher-level things like following a schedule to get to school - it's like the circuit breakers keep getting tripped.

There are therapies that really help with this. Do not only look at accommodating the sensitivities (though that's important for survival, too) - she really needs to just get less sensitive. This is not hocus-pocus, it's real and important. Usually requires some combination of several of the following except for some individuals where it is really very gut-based who are helped enough by diet changes:
- nutritional supplementation
- diet changes
- deep pressure massage and/or brushing therapy
- sound therapy
- movement programs (OT, brain gym, etc)
- CAM such as essential oils etc.

After giving some time for the interventions to have an effect, then you would step up the behavioral/emotional focus, because she would still need to reprogram her reactions after years of having an automatic fight-or-flight reaction to sensory input.[/quote]

Yes and Yes and Yes. I agree and understand. Well mostly...

I just have no clue where to go or what to do. I give her vitamins (like the rest of the family), it is hard to change her diet (we've tried before) because she is so picky on what she likes to eat, she doesn't like brushing (one OT tried it) or massage (at least when I do it, she says it hurts, though I am not rough), no idea what sound therapy is, trying to get her evaluated for OT (don't know what brain gym is) and I'd like to try Bach flower remedies as opposed to essential oil (but it's not like I have done either yet anyway).

Thank you!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:30 am
Brain gym is great! See if you can find a local resource!
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WWG1WGA




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:38 am
So my daughter sounds exactly the same. The hair extreme you mentioned is not normal his it can stress you out in the morning. Ill tell you what I did. First I spoke to her about it when she was calm. Like at night before bed, and told her we have to come up with a solution. She said she will try to not have a meltdown ( we used another word maybe getting too upset). I told her we need to be specific. I said I will give you 2 chances to make your pony and if you don't like the last one you will have to to do it yourself. She didn't like that and asked for 3 times so I agreed but said only 3. O also explained to her that when I wake her up she must wake up like 5 minutes later and that I'm giving her enough time to see of her socks are comfortable and her hair is good etc... because if the bus comes and she has no excuses I will have to force her onto the bus. I know this sounds extreme but sometimes they really need boundaries. I also spoke to my other kids that when she has an episode they should go on as if nothing is happening, this will help diffuse the situation and help me deal with her instead of the whole family being chaotic because of her and giving it more power. Also try running her back at night and give her her own lotions to massage her legs at night. She found it very soothing. My daughter is now 8 is is really much better. I signed her up for gymnastics and helps her let out her energy and is good for her self esteem. Hope this helps. Pm me if you want.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 8:40 am
amother wrote:
Yes and Yes and Yes. I agree and understand. Well mostly...

I just have no clue where to go or what to do. I give her vitamins (like the rest of the family), it is hard to change her diet (we've tried before) because she is so picky on what she likes to eat, she doesn't like brushing (one OT tried it) or massage (at least when I do it, she says it hurts, though I am not rough), no idea what sound therapy is, trying to get her evaluated for OT (don't know what brain gym is) and I'd like to try Bach flower remedies as opposed to essential oil (but it's not like I have done either yet anyway).

Thank you!

For nutrition/diet, you should really see a specialist - not all nutritionist or doctors can address this. I bet if you search past imamother topics you can probably find some recommendations.

There are different massage/deep pressure techniques, were you using a specific approach?

Sound therapy is really cool. It uses specially adjusted music to stimulate certain brain pathways. I can give you more info via PM (I'm affiliated with a particular company on this and will not advertise on the forum.) It's used by many therapists in various capacities because it has emotional benefits as well.

Brain Gym is a type of movement program. For a child as sensitive as yours I don't think it would be enough, it would be more of a complement to other strategies. It helps with self-regulation, among other things.

If you are in the NY area I can give you a name and number of a holistic therapist who uses a combination of approaches (including Bach flowers) and I have personally seen a number of remarkable success stories from her. The last time anyone I know used her was several years ago so I can't promise she's still around here but I would assume so.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 2:23 pm
Sounds just like me when I was little.

A lot of it is very sensory - I hope you can get OT very soon. In the meantime:
- Please try different types of ponytail holders - while this may sound silly to you, to someone with a sensory scalp, the way they feel on your hair can have a big impact. This isn't going to solve your problem, but it may relieve some of the discomfort.
- Try different hairstyles: pigtails (sometimes better for stray hairs), two ponytials one on top feeding into one on back (soemetimes better for stray hairs), a braid may feel better on the scalp or worse, french braid (better for stray hairs and my feel better on the scalp or worse, a bun might feel better too. You can also try extra clips barrettes, headbands etc. to hold hair better after you've done it (some will feel better to her, some will feel worse).

Secondly, part of my underlying hair (and other) meltdowns, aside from sensory issues, was actually OCD, though we didn't know it until later. That doesn't mean your daughter has OCD. But you may want to mention it to the psychologist if they are already working with her, as some CBT techniques may be helpful here too, regardless of whether it's OCD or just plain old perfectionism. Also, OCD aside, your daughter's discomfort tolerance level is clearly quite low, and learning some basic relation techniques/ mindfulness / meditation may help in the long run (it take some time before these things are useful during a situation when you're upset, but they are invaluable) - ask the psychologist to help teach her some age appropriate techniques.

I did get short hair at some point, it really really helped, but don't push the matter. For me though, I felt so much better, I didn't care how it looked. If you think your daughter is open to suggestion, maybe look up short hairstyles to see if there is one she might like.

Lastly, it will get better. It may take quite some time, but she won't be having hair meltdowns forever. I outgrew the meltdowns at some point, and she will too (though possibly later than the average child). But it will get better!
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lavenderchimes




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 06 2017, 3:13 pm
I was also a difficult child, and in spite of tons of advice and different approaches, my mother and I struggled all through my childhood. Try everything, but MOST of all, find ways to keep YOURSELF sane -- at some point, you have to accept that she won't be happy. Just do your best. You're not a bad mother because you can't solve all her problems for her. Some of it, she'll have to do for herself once she grows up a bit.

One idea I didn't see above: I had a little cousin who was crazy like your daughter about her hair. It had to be done JUST RIGHT, and her mother could NOT figure out where that marker was. The poor woman was going crazy. My Mother finally sat down to do the kids hair and sort it out one day, and discovered that there were two points that her mother hadn't picked up on: 1. it needed to be TIGHT -- tighter than most would find comfortable, and 2. it needed to be re-done twice -- a total of three make-ups of her hair. Who would have guessed? From that day, her mother was able to fix her hair with no trouble, B"H.

I guess the lesson is also two-fold: 1. Try having someone who is good at this kind of problem solving and less emotionally involved and frustrated see if they can figure it out. This might be a good thing for her therapist to work on. 2. Try to figure out exactly what needs to happen for her to be comfortable with her hair.

Celebrate every small victory! Smile

Hatzlacha!
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