"Mommy did you know that women have kids..."

Mitzvahmom

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 9:37 am

We were riding to school today and my daughter said to me.

"Mommy did you know that women have kids and they are not married?"

I said, "really?? Where did you hear this"

"a friend at school."

I said, "well while I am sure it does happen it does not happen in the frum world." (or one would hope not)

"but I really want a sister and your not dating."

I said, "maybe I am and not telling you.. Sweetie I want to find the best man for our family, because we deserve the best and I am not settling. Do not worry IY"H I will get married and you will have a sister. It just takes time, and I am young ok?"

"your not that young."

we got to school and I hugged her and said "these are things you should not have to worry about focus on school.."

HOw do you respond to such things??

amother

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 9:40 am

Mitzvahmom wrote:

I said, "well while I am sure it does happen it does not happen in the frum world." (or one would hope not)

I know of a frum single mom, who had her baby on her own.

Tamiri

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 9:57 am

There are plenty of frum ladies out there who have not found a bashert but with the biological clock ticking, decided to have a baby/ies on their own.
This practice is actually not discouraged by certain rabbis, if certain guidelines are met (yes, hard to believe).
In any event, I do tell my children that although they may see things which might seem odd, people do make choices in life which don't always reflect what we think is right.

Mitzvahmom

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 10:02 am

Mitzvahmom wrote:

Do not worry IY"H I will get married and you will have a sister. It just takes time, and I am young ok?"

It says IY"H... believe me that's what her brothers are constantly saying to her that it could be a boy..

I think she just wants to be in "normal" family, because all of her friends mothers are having babies...

Point is she's 9, not something she needs to worry about..

Mitzvahmom

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 10:05 am

This is our typical I want a baby discussion..

DD "mommy you need to get married, and have two girls and a boy. That way there are three girls and three boys."

my middle DS "well you know she could have all boys be cause my friend Levi has all brothers and no sisters."

DD, "mommy it's not fair if you have more boys."

middle DS, "it's not up to her it's up to Hashem, plus she has to get married."

Mean time I am sitting there smiling (but laughing on the inside) that my kids could have such a discussion.

lilacdreams

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 11:11 am

I think she just wants to be in "normal" family, because all of her friends mothers are having babies...

hi I am married and my kids still ask the same question!

My youngest isn't a baby anymore and they are always whining "when will you have a baby like so-and-so's mom?" I tell them H-m is the one who decides these things, not us. I guess you may feel somewhat morose because you also would like to know the answer but either way I tell my kids to daven for what they want and if H-m feels that that is what we need for our family then we will have another child. Maybe ask your kids to daven for a good shidduch (first Wink

) and then a baby, IYH. (or encourage your kids to daven for other people who are in the same situation as you, because of the inyan that if you are davening for Ploni, but you need the same yeshua, H-m will bless you also)

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 12:33 pm

Tamiri wrote:

I can hope they'll have a father figure, and it's through artificial fecundation! shock

A widow or divorcee can say "Ploni is your father, blah blah blah", but here... "mama went to buy some zera to make you."
Although, I heard it had to be from a [gentile] to avoid incest risks, so isn't the child pagum?

Clarissa

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 2:20 pm

Single women are not the only women who purchase sperm for procreation, as some infertile couples also rely on it. Nobody tells a child that they purchased sperm, they tell the child that they wanted a baby very badly, and a very generous man helped supply the part that was missing. There are sensitive ways to tell children about everything -- adoption, divorce where the parent is absent and not involved, sperm donation, etc.

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 2:26 pm

True, all these topics can be difficult... but what if the child asks why she didn't marry or something like that? in the other cases, there is no choice... the spouse has left, or they were sterile. Single pregnancy is (in this case) a choice. You see what I mean?

Clarissa

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 2:31 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I do see what you mean, but personally, I think that single motherhood can be a wonderful choice, for the right woman. Also single fatherhood. If one hasn't met the right person but knows in their heart of hearts that they want more than anything to have children, I trust that they will do a terrific job with the child they have, whether through insemination, surrogate or adoption. I have friends who are single parents and are so great at it, and their kids don't feel that they're missing anything, especially as they are surrounded by loving supportive family and friends of both genders. And I know people who are married who are, for all intents and purposes, raising their kids on their own.

Crayon210

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 2:45 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Yes.

And I think it's a very selfish choice, to consciously deprive a child of a parent. Sad

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 2:46 pm

Clarissa wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

I don't know enough cases to judge, you may be right, I hope!
And I agree about the last sentence Sad

Clarissa

Thu, Oct 18 2007, 2:47 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Yes.

And I think it's a very selfish choice, to consciously deprive a child of a parent. Sad

So a person, whether single, widowed or divorced, who has not met the right person and is of the age when it's "now or never," should forgo parenthood altogether? That's the unselfish thing to do?

I'm always surprised when people who were blessed with husbands and children say this. So easy when one hasn't walked a mile in other people's shoes. Having been in a very difficult situation where I faced that possibility, I can tell you that it is not so simple.