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Is this appropriate?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:30 pm
I don’t know. The whole notion of engagement rings strikes me as very unromantic and rather patronizing to women so I can’t really make any helpful comments here. I also think it’s weird to spend so much $ on rocks, but that’s me. I didn’t even want an engagement ring.
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sarahmalka




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:35 pm
I agree with Fox and DrMom. Also she has to think of not only how it will come across to her future husband but also her MIL and FIL. Even if she is not materialistic, that is how she will seem. Just accept the gift and the budget and upgrade in the future.
FTR I completely cannot relate to this idea of spending huge amounts of money on a piece of jewelry. Invest in your home, in chinuch, in healthcare!
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:37 pm
LittleDucky wrote:
This doesn't sit right with me. Going behind future husband's back? What if he finds out?


This. A proposal based on deceit is not a great way to take them to the next level.

While I agree that 3k will not bring in much of a diamond these days she can try suggesting a frum jeweler. I know chassidish posters have mentioned very reasonable packages for jewelry or the diamond district in nyc, maybe he could get more for less there. She should definitely show him the style of ring she likes so he has an idea of what to look for.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:43 pm
Personally I agree with the poster who felt it was distasteful, since the ring is a gift and by offering to chip in, your sister is stating outright that the gift isn’t good enough. Yes, this is something she will probably wear for the rest of her life,why shouldn’t she have something she really likes, but OTOH she’s making it all about the ring which is, after all, supposed to be merely a a TOKEN of his esteem, not a YARDSTICK thereof. (And what does it say about her values that only a huge rock will do?)

If I were the young man I would be terribly hurt that my fiancee thinks my gift isn’t good enough. Your sister is setting up a dangerous precedent. I can foresee a lifetime of belittled gifts and hurt feelings. Your sister needs to learn a few things:

—a gift is a gift, not a debt. The giver gets to decide what to give.
—the cost of the ring is not proportional to the giver’s love, no matter what deBeers ads would have you believe.
—it’s not a contest. The bride with the costliest ring doesn’t win.

I hope your sister grows up fast.
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lucky14




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:48 pm
I wouldn't mind if the table was turned.
Also to the poster who wrote that it was wrong for the girl to talk to her sister about this I fully disagree- it sounds like she was asking her sister for advice on what to do- not just complaining.
There is more than just sentimental value in the rings- otherwise why would so many of us care what they look like?
I think there's no way to predict how he's going to take this- he may be fine with it or he may think it's really rude. She should decide how much she cares. If she does bring it up with him she should do it carefully. Curious how guys would answer this question- I'm so going to ask my husband when he gets home how he would have reacted if I'd made that request :-p
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:53 pm
I think there are very few ways of making this possible. I totally understand her wishes though. I didn't need a big ring but didn't want one that was embarassingly small and flawed which I was sure I was going to get. I had a contact who sold rings and was hoping I could turn my husband to get the ring from him and talk to him in advance and get the bigger ring. However, my husband was stuck on buying the ring at one particular store so I was out of luck. So I got a small and flawed ring and lived to tell the tale. Yes, I was disappointed but if I were a guy I'd probably run if the girl suggested that. It's his "duty" as a man to be able to get a ring to propose with and certainly not get help from his intended!
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lavenderchimes




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 7:29 pm
amother wrote:
My sister is in her upper 20's and is dating a guy around the same age very seriously. She was discussing engagement rings with the guy and it came up that the boy had in mind to spend around $3000. My sister wants to politely tell him that she would really like a bigger stone and better quality and would like to add on a few thousand dollars from her own money to whatever he had in mind to spend. Is this acceptable or rude? I want to point out that my sister is a plain jane. She lives simply and a'h once married will not be demanding $3000 wigs, a fancy car and expensive vacations. In fact, it will be the opposite. For whatever reason she really wants a nice expensive diamond though, but I'm not sure if this will make her look like a stuck-up snob. I realize the simple thing would be for her to keep her mouth shut. My question is whether this is completely out of line and inappropriate or just a little unusual but not so bad?


I wouldn't do that, because to me, the ring is a gift, and I wouldn't want to pay for half of it. Your sister obviously doesn't feel that way. Whether or not she will live simply in the future has nothing to do with it. I don't think you or your sister should care what other people think -- the real concern is how the guy will take it. Some men wouldn't mind, while others would be very upset. You have a lot of good advice about how to propose (haha) such an idea.

My dh was looking at rings that went on sale in Macy's fliers. I knew that I would NOT be happy with such a ring -- not just because they were in the $100-200 range, but because I wanted something unique -- a vintage or estate piece. I told him that -- it's a once in a lifetime piece of jewelry, and I want to be sure that I will be happy to wear it for the rest of my life. My dh had the money to do more, by the way, so I wasn't expecting him to blow all his money. We both knew that he would NEVER be able to present me with a ring that I was happy with. So, we went to Manhattan to the diamond district together. I asked him ahead of time if he had a budget in mind, and he told me that it just depended on if he saw the sparkle in my eye. Awwwwww! I found a gorgeous piece in the first store. dh negotiated with the guy, (he used to work in diamonds) and ended up spending $1500. I LOVE the ring.
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Boca00




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 7:33 pm
tichellady wrote:
I don’t know. The whole notion of engagement rings strikes me as very unromantic and rather patronizing to women so I can’t really make any helpful comments here. I also think it’s weird to spend so much $ on rocks, but that’s me. I didn’t even want an engagement ring.


Unromantic? Can you please explain?
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lucky14




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 09 2017, 10:59 pm
Well I asked my husband and he said he would have been fine with it, whatever to make me happy. When I told him it sounded like the majority of people were saying it was a bad idea and insulting etc. he asked me who was responding- women or men? LOL. I'm sure other men would answer differently but there's a response from one man.
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rachel91




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 10 2017, 6:02 am
No, there is a possibility that the guy will feel pressured to play gentleman and say that he'll buy a more expensive ring, while he actually doesn't have the money, so this can be tricky.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Fri, Nov 10 2017, 7:17 am
tichellady wrote:
I don’t know. The whole notion of engagement rings strikes me as very unromantic and rather patronizing to women so I can’t really make any helpful comments here. I also think it’s weird to spend so much $ on rocks, but that’s me. I didn’t even want an engagement ring.


I'm with you. We decided mutually to get married, I didn't want to have an expensive piece of jewelry to "prove" it. We never bought one in the end, just simple wedding bands.

However, we dated ( long distance situation) for quite a long time so we were able to have frank and open conversations about it. In a more traditional, shorter time frame, I just don't think there's the option to do anything but the traditional, expected thing. Anything else could lead to hurt feelings.
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Metukah




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 10 2017, 7:26 am
I did something similar. I wanted a bigger, more valuable stone (and I'm not very materialistic IMHO). I knew my dh could not afford it, so as I have close relatives working in the diamond industry I told my in laws (they were paying) I could get a better deal if I bought the ring. They gave the money and I added quite a bit. I never told them (dh does know) and that solved it.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 10 2017, 11:54 am
zaq wrote:
Personally I agree with the poster who felt it was distasteful, since the ring is a gift and by offering to chip in, your sister is stating outright that the gift isn’t good enough. Yes, this is something she will probably wear for the rest of her life,why shouldn’t she have something she really likes, but OTOH she’s making it all about the ring which is, after all, supposed to be merely a a TOKEN of his esteem, not a YARDSTICK thereof. (And what does it say about her values that only a huge rock will do?)

If I were the young man I would be terribly hurt that my fiancee thinks my gift isn’t good enough. Your sister is setting up a dangerous precedent. I can foresee a lifetime of belittled gifts and hurt feelings. Your sister needs to learn a few things:

—a gift is a gift, not a debt. The giver gets to decide what to give.
—the cost of the ring is not proportional to the giver’s love, no matter what deBeers ads would have you believe.
—it’s not a contest. The bride with the costliest ring doesn’t win.

I hope your sister grows up fast.


You’re right for the most part but since the engagement ring is something the kallah will wear on her hand for the rest of her life most couples at least consult on what kind of a ring she would like. I do agree she should work within his budget but hopefully they can find something she likes within that budget.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Fri, Nov 10 2017, 2:53 pm
I wanted a real piano a lot more than a ring I would never wear, so we put my ring money towards a piano. Still thrilled a decade later.
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