Leaving a child for a week.

hot chocolate!

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:33 pm

Hi!
We are very lucky, I know.
I'm having my bro in laws wedding overseas, next tuesday.
I have the most delicious,yummy 20 month old boy, our first. and after lots and lots and lots of discussions, we decided,that as were going to travel overseas again in roughly 3 months, we will leave him behind now for the week long vacation / wedding, and the next time we will bring him with.
We made arrangements (me and husb.) to leave him with someone I trust, a family member he knows, etc..
Yet.
I cannot fathom it! leaving my precious vulnerable baby-toddler behind.... I know its an amazing thing to do for couples, rejuvenation etc...
whenever I think about it, could sob..picturing his little face and him crying for me or his father.
any advice? anyone been there, done that?

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:36 pm

Every child is different.

I had a brother's wedding overseas when DD was 18 months, and I took her along. My sister left her son of same age with her close friend. Different personalities, different kids. I'm glad I took DD, and for sis getting a much needed vacation was the right thing for her.

So if you made the decision and you know it works well for you, don't obsess about it. Enjoy the Simcha!

Moonlight

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:37 pm

First of all, why is this under sheitels and tichels?
It is very very hard. But very worth it. You will enjoy the time you have as adults without a baby. And he will be fine without you and won't remember this is a few weeks. You will feel torn and guilty - but you are your DH deserve time to yourself! Ask whoever is babysitting to send pictures of him so you will feel less worried and guilty.
We did it last year and hope to do it again this year.
It was so refreshing.

pesek zman

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:40 pm

Go! Amazing for you. He will be just as yummy and delicious when you return, he will have had quality time with grandparents and you and your husband will have quality time together

Go!

hot chocolate!

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:52 pm

thanks so much for your replies!
feel better already...I know that the anticipatory anxiety is the worst... once Ill be there I'm sure I will have an easier time... and Moonllight, sorry I'm really new here! joined today, x really know my way around yet...

Kiwi13

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:59 pm

I’m not trying to argue or convince you to change your mind, just offering another option... what about bringing him with you and arranging childcare close by? Then you could still see him frequently during your trip. It won’t be the same, of course, but if you’re worried about leaving him behind for so long (I would be too), it’s something to consider.

A week is a very long time to a child that age, and you can’t really explain to them where you’re going and that you’re coming back. Every child is different and you have to be honest with yourselves about how this might affect him. I get it that some people do this, but it isn’t something I would do unless maybe the family member you’re leaving him with is someone who is part of his everyday life and he’ll adjust no problem. Even then, I’d spend a lot of the trip worrying about him...

If you do decide to go and you make all the arrangements, then definitely enjoy your time and don’t constantly second guess yourself while you’re there. Just be sure of your decision before you go.

Enjoy your family simcha!

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:12 pm

hot chocolate! wrote:

any advice? anyone been there, done that?

I wouldn't. I'd rather miss the wedding than leave a child under 5.

Maybe I'm biased because of what happened when I left my 2 yr old behind for same reason. Never again. Not worth damaging a child over a wedding.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:20 pm

hot chocolate! wrote:

I cannot fathom it! leaving my precious vulnerable baby-toddler behind....
whenever I think about it, could sob..picturing his little face and him crying for me or his father.

These instincts you have, being unable to fathom....etc...these instincts are there to protect both of you. I wouldn't advise overriding these feelings. Some people are so desensitized, they don't have these feelings. Or else, they're overriding them.
You want my advice? Take him along or stay here with him.
Whatever amazing benefits you think are in store....I don't think so....
Way too young to be left for a week. Read up on toddler's nervous system development. Read up on attachment disorders. Read up on the effects of separating a toddler from both parents for a week. And please reconsider your plan. If your maternal instinct is alive, you will. Hubby can go alone if he feels desperate to get away from his child.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:24 pm

mommyhood wrote:

I go away without my kids every year or 2. the separation is hard but very worth it for me and dh. My kids are with loving relatives and they have a great time.

Does your toddler have at least one sibling with him/her? That changes things.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:27 pm

Do you mind sharing why you feel it's problematic to take your toddler along to the wedding and again in 3 months? It's not like he's missing school.
It's true, alone time for a couple to reconnect without the distractions of children is great. But at 20 months old, I think it would be more appropriate to leave him with someone overnight - maybe a day plus overnight. Not a week.
I left my 1 yr old with my parents for about 5 days because I had to get medical treatment and couldn't care for him and needed DH with me (we had to go out of state). I survived; he survived. But I wouldn't have done it just for vacation. It was hard on everyone involved.

Blessing1

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:33 pm

You said you're leaving the toddler by someone he knows. I'm telling you he'll survive. Chances are he won't even cry! People leave their kids longer than a week when they have a baby... it's very normal to leave the kids for a week. It's also normal for the mom to be nervous & anxious! Go & enjoy yourself.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:34 pm

amother wrote:

Basically you’re saying that if a mom leaves her toddler for a week then she has no maternal instinct.

How rude.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:38 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Basically you’re saying that if a mom leaves her toddler for a week then she has no maternal instinct.
.

Not that. I'm saying if a mother"s maternal instinct is alive she would do well to honor it and attune to it rather than override it. That's very different than what you're suggesting.

pesek zman

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:40 pm

amother wrote:

Not that. I'm saying if a mother"s maternal instinct is alive she would do well to honor it and attune to it rather than override it. That's very different than what you're suggesting.

Sounds the same to me

Unless her maternal instinct is to try and foster independence in her toddler as well as bonding with family (as my maternal instinct says) and chooses to leave her baby with family periodically

pond user

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:45 pm

I know you've made a decision so this may not be helpful, but I just went on a retreat for 2 days with my 3 year old and 9 month old because I was too uneasy to leave any of them behind. (I have a wonderful list of close family I could be happy to leave them if I'd have wanted to). For me, I couldn't relax and rejuvenate if there was a niggling thought that one of my babies would be crying for me or my husband.

My friend who's kids are exactly the same ages as mine, left them both and she was as happy as Larry. She mentioned a few times she missed them when she saw my Kids, but otherwise she had an amazing weekend. She didn't have any thoughts of her babies crying though when she left them. She literally was so excited and that reflects her own needs and personality.

So basically, there is no right or wrong. We are two different people just as you are. I always go with my gut even if my mind says otherwise but that's just me. If you do leave baby, make sure you go with peace of mind and your baby will feel it too. Good luck

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:51 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Basically you’re saying that if a mom leaves her toddler for a week then she has no maternal instinct.

I'm saying if a mom leaves a toddler behind she either doesn't have the instinct about NOT leaving him, or, she has the instinct to not leave him yet she's overriding the instinct.