S/O why don't I love my baby???

amother

Cyan

Sat, Nov 18 2017, 11:32 pm

This is a spinoff of the 'who do you love more' thread...I love my husband more. This has been bugging me for awhile already... I'm a warm person and love kids and babies. I truly thought I would cry from happiness when my baby was born and that I would love him so, so dearly. I didn't and I don't. I do everything for my son and cater to his every need and give him tons of time, attention, hugs and warmth etc but I just simply don't love him. He feels like a burden more then a blessing and I feel awful about that and am wondering why I don't have natural motherly love for him other then a strong sense of responsibility for his care. When he's sleeping, I feel relieved of 'my duties' to him. It's so weird and horrible and I'm too embarrassed and guilty to discuss this with anyone irl. Please help.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Nov 18 2017, 11:37 pm

amother wrote:

you're not alone. how old is he?

my dd had a onsie (carters I think) that said "mommy loves me" and I swear its there is a reminder to mom.

amother

Silver

Sat, Nov 18 2017, 11:42 pm

Please dont feel guilty. I'm no shrink but been thru plenty. It sounds like ur dh means alot to u and ur too needy still to be giving to others. I went thru that myself. Sometimes even 'being a good mom' to impress my dh... It's ok. For whatever reasons you're needy. It sounds like ur ds is still young. Make sure he gets tlc and dont worry if ur pretending. The love for him will grow as the love for urself does. And no I did not answer who I love more since I dont feel I hav an answer. I've asked myself that many times. For years it was def dh but as I've grown more secure id say it's equal. I really need my dh more but have learned to love my kids so much it would be sad w/o them

amother

Ivory

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 12:16 am

In my opinion, the key is to ‘act as if.’ When my daughter was born, I’d just had my heart broken by an autism diagnosis in my toddler. I was shell shocked and numb. I decided to pretend until I felt it. It took months before I started ‘feeling it.’ But not only did she never feel the lack, we are as close as two women can be as friends as well as mother/daughter. She STILL cuddles with both of us. And we are so lucky! She knows what I went through and how I felt. Going through the motions made lots of opportunities for live to develop when I was ready.

Also, I’d check in with your doctor for a well visit. If you are feeling this way, it. Hold be caused by depression and that could lead to ppd.

amother

Purple

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 12:17 am

I am paranoid about posting this, even under Amother, because I’ve never admitted it aloud.

When my first was born, I felt the same. I dreaded my alone time. My husband was a natural. It made me feel more alone. And we never bonded.

Then my next was born, and I fell in love the second we touched. It made me hate myself for never bonding with the first.

But I forced myself to be the best mother possible. It wasn’t easy, because #1 has a lot of issues. But #1 is such a wonderful child now, smart and loving, caring about others, a neshama like none you’ve seen.

Love isn’t an instant thing. It takes work. Read some of the threads where people say it took years to learn to love their husbands. I know you think you should have an instant bond, but it’s not always true. (And harder when you do with some but not all kids). I promise it will get better.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 12:52 am

I agree. With my first, I bonded instantly, and with my second I just didn't. I think I loved him logically but I felt like he was a stranger - we just didn't click
It came on its own
And btw, my first has a real different personality than me and I always have to work to relater to her and understand her, and my second with whom the bond took longer, is very similar to me and I really get him. Go figure.
But probalby still check for ppd

amother

Pink

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 1:00 am

It sound like your first child. I had with my first one too. And I felt really guilty about it. He was born a year after my wedding and I didn't even realise why I can't love both my husband and my baby. It took me years later when I went to therapy to realize that I invested all my energy in the bond with my husband and subconsciously I begrudged my son for being in the way and I was so happy when he went to sleep so I can have the private bond with my DH. Today's day I love my son dearly and I don't feel guilty for those first 2 3 years that I didn't bond with him because I know that I took great care of him in every other way

amother

Ginger

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 2:17 am

I had a baby shortly after my wedding, and he was a real difficult baby to boot.
In addition, had a very difficult labor and pp recovery. It took me a long time to really love him. Of course I took care of him, and hugged and cuddled him, but inside I just didn’t feel it. Bh, it came with time.
It is normal to an extent. And all those suggesting op has ppd, if you have no thoughts of harming baby etc. I wouldn’t worry. Love at first sight does not happy for many first time moms.

trixx

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 2:21 am

amother wrote:

This is very wise advice
Do everything for baby for two reasons
1. Fake it til you make it
2. When you do make it you won't feel guilty or berate yourself for having done less for him "bc you just didn't connect"
Actually also 3. Giving creates love

amother

Ruby

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 4:21 am

Are you sure you don't love your baby? I have a similar problem. I do feel like I love my baby, but I have zero patience or energy for my baby. When someone else holds her and takes care of her, I feel the love, and I love looking at her in someone else's hand. I think I might have depression

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 6:58 am

OP I had to double check that your post wasn't mine written at an earlier time. And then I had to check over more amother color posts further down the thread to make sure they weren't my posts either. I could have written so many of these posts.
It's been a few years since the birth of my first child and a lot has transpired since then. I know I love him but still have a hard time connecting to him at times. He's a hard child and I have have come to the realization in therapy that I personalize every one of his issues. I make everything my fault and my responsibility. Even at the beginning I blamed myself for the pregnancy and birth which I wasn't ready for. I was so intuned to his needs and took care of everything for him but couldn't connect.
I really understand you. You do love your child but it's been a hard journey and you've been through so much in life way before your baby was born and now too. I hear you blaming yourself "why don't I love my baby?". Please take some time for yourself and take care of you. Wait to have more children until you truly feel the yearning for it. I can't tell you what a difference that made for me. And find someone amazing to talk to. You can learn great skills in therapy and unearth pieces of yourself that need to come through. You will bond with your child. But first you need to bond with you.

amother

Black

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 7:23 am

amother wrote:

That's a VERY inaccurate post. I've been diagnosed with PPD after I have never thought of harmijg my baby ch"v. OP, please take care of urself and call Yad Rachel. They are an amazing organization. Or pls see ur OBgyn or Dr. Asap.[b]

amother

Brown

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 7:33 am

OP I had the same experience after my first was born. This was 10 months after I got married. His birth was an extremely traumatic experience for me. I did not feel that instant love. I was feeling resentful that he took so much of my energy and time. I felt like I had nothing to give to my DH after that and I felt like I had stronger feelings for DH. It took me a few months to really start enjoying him. Though I have to say he never was a kissy or snugly kid even though I tried to hug and kiss him he'd push me away. I had another baby shortly thereafter and I bonded and felt that love the moment he was out of my womb. The same is with all my others. It took me a few years to realize that perhaps I was suffering from a mild case of PPD then and I didn't realize it. Nobody knew I had these thoughts or feelings because I was so ashamed that I felt this way . So nobody advised me to get myself evaluated . Baruch HaShem I do feel love and a bond towards this son who is 17. Don't feel embarrassed to get yourself evaluated for PPD.

Kiwi13

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 9:29 am

It’s more normal than you think, it’s just that people don’t usually talk about it. The best advice I ever read on this subject is to approach the new baby as a new relationship. Relationships take time to build and grow and flourish. Newborns are also very difficult to “get to know” because in the very beginning they don’t really smile or laugh or communicate nearly as much as they do later on. I would guess that you really DO love your baby, you just don’t have the overwhelming fairytale kind of feelings you think you should have. For some women that comes instantly. For others it develops in time. If you are concerned in any way about your bonding with your baby please call your doctor. PPD is a real thing, very common, nothing to be ashamed of, and easily resolved most of the time - especially if you catch it early.

Keep loving your baby in action - feed him, change him, clothe him, cuddle him - the feelings will come in time. I don’t know if you’re breastfeeding or not, and if so how it’s going, but that’s another avenue to explore if it’s not going well. (Just a thought based on personal experience.)

ETA: mazal tov!!!

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 9:48 am

When my second was born, I panicked bec I didn't feel what I did with my first. Just no connection. I was so relieved when he slept and sent him to the nursery whenever I could. The last day in hospital (I stayed extra) I pushed myself to hold him when he was relaxed and sleeping. It really helped me! I would hold him and just sit quietly and try to relax with him In my arms. It made me feel better and more connected. By my 3rd kid, same problem. I resisted the urge to just leave him alone when he was quiet, and even now at 4 months, I find myself reaching for him when he's happy, even just for a couple minutes. Good luck!
Ps when they start smiling it gets better. My baby's face lights up when he sees me.