S/O of rich: Mo' money, mo' problems?

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:28 am

I posted on the other thread... I am from a more comfortable home and my husband is from a very simple home.

Whenever I talk about how good it is to have money, he always tells me, "More money, more problems".

Is that something poor people tell themselves to make them feel better? I can't see how that's true.

What problems do rich people have that are worse than what poor people have?

Illness - rich can pay for health insurance, medicine, alternative treatments, therapies, etc
Divorce- a rich woman isn't afraid to leave an abusive marriage b/c of lack of finances
Childlessness - rich can pay for IVF meds, treatments
Shidduchim - please, everyone runs after the rich
OTD children - rich can pay for therapy

So... seriously...what "big problems" do the rich have?

lfab

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:34 am

I always wondered about this saying. I did not grow up in a wealthy home, and I am not by any means well off myself (but B"H always have had what I needed). I never understood how money causes more problems. I feel like everyone in life has problems. If I'm going to have problems I may as well have money too! At least this way I can pay for as much help as I need when I have a problem. Even if it's as simple as hiring extra cleaning help, buying takeout, etc. when dealing with other problems. Someone who does not have money may not be able to do even these minor things to help them cope during a tough time.

Lizzie4

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:36 am

Keeping up with the Jones's -
It doesn't always come naturally to pull off an extravagant but classy event, look good all the time - latest fashion, have your kids look so perfect

People actually avoid you because they feel inferior around you! Yes, people do not usually run after rich in shidduchim. They also talk about you behind your back. You wonder if people really like you.

People patronize you more when you are rich, (Can you help my poor aunt, cousin etc. and get mad if you don't)

Lazy, dependent kids .... can become lazy spouses

More worry in general

amother

Lime

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:38 am

I myself am not "rich" (comfortable, b"H) but I work with some super-rich people.

It's hard to bring up children without the spoiled-rich-kid mentality
People are upset if you don't give them money that they believe they're entitled to
They're bombarded by tzedaka requests
They don't know if any of their friends are real friends
They're vulnerable to gold-diggers
They live in fear of losing money/having to live at a lower standard
They're under a lot of pressure (self-imposed, family, friends)

It can be a lonely life. But as they say, I'd rather cry in a Lamborghini than a Kia!

zaq

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:43 am

Marbeh nechasim marbeh daagah is from Pirkei Avot, which is itself a complilation of wisdom of the ages.

What do the wealthy have to worry about?
—losing all that money
—losing all that goes with it, such as status and power
—being kidnapped or having loved ones kidnapped for ransom (Ever notice the elaborate security measures the really wealthy take to safeguard their homes?)
—having no true friends or suitors interested in them rather than their money
—being robbed (Ever notice the elaborate security measures the really wealthy take to safeguard their homes?)
—ayin hara, for those who believe in such things
—maintaining their image. If Joe Shmoe had holes in his socks, who cares? But when the president of the World Bank had holes in his socks—no, it was not a publicity stunt or political statement—it was a scandal.

That’s all I can think of because I have never been in that situation.

Simply keeping track of one’s wealth is a job in itself. The more you have, the more you want and the harder you have to work to keep it.

Last edited by zaq on Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:45 am; edited 1 time in total

southernbubby

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:44 am

amother wrote:

There are people who are rich but who have had terrible tragedies and health problems. I don't know why Hashem blessed them with wealth but not so much with health. These people often are the biggest givers of tzedukah but at the same time, everyone has a hand in their pocketbooks. It is challenging to have money because everyone has a cause and feels entitled to the rich person's money. Then they get upset at the wealthy for not giving them what they feel entitled to.

southernbubby

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:47 am

amother wrote:

we must have posted at the same time. I see wealthy people who have to schedule several hours of their week to meet with tzedukah collectors and these collectors also come to their places of business to collect and of course, expect large donations.

naturalmom5

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:58 am

amother wrote:

I know I'm dating myself. But Fox will like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnJeMnzJOcw

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 10:04 am

I grew up in one of the wealthiest zip codes in America. It's absolutely true that it can come with a headache. For one thing, managing it all is not easy. Many of the ultra rich employ a whole team just for managing their wealth. You can't just use turbo tax and do your taxes yourself, it's too complicated. And let's not even talk about divorces and second marriages (lots of rich husbands who dump their wife for a newer, younger model), so you get to the whole headache that is alimony and prenuptial agreements etc.

You always wonder if you truly have any friends or if it's just about the money. People constantly asking for favors and people getting upset with you if you do anything viewed as wrong. There is a lot of competition as well over all sorts of narishkeit. There are immense challenges with raising children. Of course there are many, many rich people who are lovely and not at all spoiled or entitled (it bothers me when I hear people go on and on with unfair stereotypes, they're really not true) but of course it's a much bigger risk with money than without and you have to constantly work at it to make sure they don't turn out like that.

Lastly, money can't buy happiness or menuchas nefesh. Where I'm from, depression and anxiety are rampant. Substance abuse- not even with street drugs, but mainly alcohol and Rx meds. Sure, you can throw money at the problem and check into some private rehab center. But these problems often recur because there's no way to truly cure addiction or mental illness, not even with the best treatment. And if you've ever lived through the hell that is depression, while it's nice to be able to afford the doctors and treatment you need, it would certainly be better not to suffer this horrible disease to begin with.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 10:16 am

Money is a big blessing. Its smooths the path and oils the wheels.
Yeh, coming from a poor home I think it's something that poor ppl tell themselves to feel better.
My father always wished he had more $$ to give us more but un4tunately, tht was not the case tho we never felt deprived (sort of) I never got a good wig when I got married - just cheaper lines, cant afford a new one now. This is one exp of many, many , many. Thank G-d we are still happy.
But sometimes, (correct that, all the time) I do wish I had more $.

33055

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 10:30 am

I want to amend my response. It is the larger lifestyle which gives mo problems. The privacy lost when you need people around to maintain things is another problem. You also have people making stupid thoughtless comments. I like to think it is out of jealously, and they wouldn't speak this way to people who are struggling.

Money in the bank that no one knows exists including the children is the way to go.

Zehava

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 10:50 am

I personally think many rich people problems are self inflicted. Often it happens when the extended family is rich and standards get mixed up with family standards. Then you get a family where all the daughter in laws have to look a certain way, all the grandkids have to wear designer clothes and if one deviates the shvigger will feel slighted and the siblings in law will snob them. I always feel bad when I see families like that. It’s just so stupid and downright cruel sometimes.
But then you have those people who make their own fortune and they just keep it quiet and modest. Yes they can afford lots of things but they don’t feel the need to flaunt. At the end of the day they are doing themselves and their kids a huge favor. If you don’t throw it in people’s faces no one has to know what goes on in your bank account.
The lifestyle that people often associate with the wealthy is not a must, especially in the Frum community where people don’t choose their zip code based on income but rather on observance level.
I certainly don’t ever intend to turn into a fancy lady no matter how much dough god sends our way.

Fox

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 11:06 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

I know I'm dating myself. But Fox will like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnJeMnzJOcw

Lol! This sounds like the time when I was 6 or 7 and asked my mother if she remembered when Abraham Lincoln was President. She was amused, but not all that amused.

Funnily enough, this reminds me of an interview I once heard with Paul Simon. He was talking about his early career and partnership with Art Garfunkel. He told about driving around Queens with Garfunkel on Saturday nights, listening to their songs on the radio. They had two top-10 hits at the time, but they were both very shy and had trouble meeting girls. They were too nerdy to go to clubs or even attract much in the way of groupies, and Manhattan nightlife seemed too intimidating, anyway. So the two guys with hit songs playing on every top-40 radio station in the country spent their Saturday nights driving around Queens, flipping around to different radio stations in hopes of hearing their songs.

Which is probably an apt metaphor for wealth. It looks better from a distance.

There is no doubt that having money to throw at certain problems makes life easier -- worrying about paying the electric or gas bill is no joke. But as an Amother alluded to upthread, there is a point of diminishing returns. Beyond a certain income level (depending on the study), you don't get all that much happier unless you hit $500K+. And even that can be tricky, because humans are pretty bad at distinguishing what will actually make them happy versus what they think will make them happy. (WSJ)

While I knew a few people in college from old money, most of the wealthy people I know now just have more zeroes on the end of their problems. If I'm stressing about a $500 problem, they're stressing about a $5K, $50K, or $500K problem. If I'm stressing about making sure to get to the bank so I can pay a particular bill, they're stressing about whether their line of credit at the bank will be sufficient to make payroll this month.

Really, we should all remind ourselves regularly that any of us with the technological capability to be on Imamother is probably richer than the vast majority of people in the world, and indeed, richer than most people throughout history.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 11:09 am

as I mentioned earlier- I got from more "money" then my dh does.
There are court based "fights" over money in my extended family. People went to their grave while fighting. If it wasn't sad it would be funny how these people are suing those people and those people are suing each other etc...

My dh always says that in his family they don't fight. Everyone just earns a living and does their own thing, noone is controlling anybody else's money there are no trusts. We have to wait for tax papers from family members because they are controlling our money and we have no say.

From my husband's eyes looking in, it's incredibly messed up, he's said that it would be easier for him if I didn't have any money and he could just figure things out instead of having that we get random amounts of money at random times and are required to pay random amounts of money to taxes on money that we can't access.

My dh always says that if he becomes wealthy he's going to keep it quiet. We have the advantage of being able to see now " who are real friends are". I think its hard for children who grew up wealthy because you never know..While we aren't "wealthy" we probably are more comfortable then most of our peers. We have the freedom to donate our money where we want because no one thinks to ask us Wink

definitely recommend keeping it quiet!

zaq

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 11:14 am

Reality wrote:

Wealthy people have plenty of first world problems. Lets just remember that. First world.

First world people, rich or poor, have first world problems. If you don’t have to worry if you will have water to drink today, if you will be kidnapped and sold into slavery on your way home from collecting fiel for cooking,, if your husband might sell your 12 year old dd into marriage in exchange for a week’s worth of food, or if your ds might get attacked by a lion while playing outside your door, then your problems are first world problems.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 11:35 am

Don't forget that rich ppl have a lot of expectations from the surroundings. Even if they personally would be happy with a modest wedding or bar mitzva they have to make it fancy as they invite important ppl with money. They simply can't make a simple affair or ppl will quickly comment and wonder what's wrong. They can't buy a modest 2nd hand car etc. They many times have no choice. Far less privacy than most ppl. And always ppl asking for contributions for various institutions etc.