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-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
Tangerine
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Wed, Nov 22 2017, 4:26 pm
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spikta
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Wed, Nov 22 2017, 5:12 pm
To me, being cool means appreciating that I am they powerful one in the dynamic.
I love my children, but my power and sense of worth is not contingent upon their approval.
As a child, if your mom is furious with you, it's the end of the world.
A a parent, you understand that often when your child is furious at you, it's not really about you. They had a hard day, they didn't sleep well, or they're dealing with something, that although is trivial for you, for them is tough. It's hard to let go and go to bed when there's such an exciting world outside. It's hard not to get the unhealthy food you want. It's hard to be a kid and have all these strong wants that go unfulfilled, really it is.
Being cool means not getting worked up when they get worked up, remembering what's important, remembering that it's not about you.
My job is to do the best I can raising them. Sometimes that entails making hard choices. Sometimes I chose wrong. I'm open to feedback (obviously it has to be given honestly, respectably and age appropriately). I'm always there to listen, because I love them and want to hear what's going on in their heart. But I'm the parent. I'm the leader, because that's what they need me to be.
(again, no teenagers yet, so more than a few grains of salt here)
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spikta
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Wed, Nov 22 2017, 5:14 pm
amother wrote: | This is good advice for younger children, and definitely the way I parented my kids from toddlerhood through elementary school. As they become teens, responses like the ones you described actually don't work anymore, not because your premise (highlighting the emotion behind the question and empathizing with it) no longer holds true, but because teens don't buy into it anymore. A teen would respond to "are you feeling like I didn't give you the same freedom as your little sister?" with "Ma, have you been reading one of those psychology books again, please talk normal." This is because on some level, they WANT a power struggle with you, not just empathy and understanding. They are teens, and they want a good challenge, they want to see how much they can push authority, it's not always about feeling understood. That's why a mother seeking to retain her power sometimes just needs a quick line to deflect the challenge, or to just ignore. I know it's not warm and fuzzy, but teens really are more complicated than younger kids, who are not full of raging independence seeking feelings. |
I have a lot to look forward to I guess
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amother
Mauve
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Thu, Nov 23 2017, 9:46 am
Above all, keep your dignity. Your parents made mistakes, you made mistakes and your daughter will make new mistakes.
Your daughter may be right but please call a spade a spade. She is mean, hurting you, chutzpadig, putting spears into your heart and is a teenage brat. DONT APOLOGIZE TO HER. If you feel you can use some of her accusations as constructive criticism, by all means, do so.
But admitting wont help a thing. It is just another way to show contempt for you.
If she can be respectful, considerate to outsiders, she is capable to act like that to you.
She can choose to focus on your relationship today, and come to terms with yesterday,even if it is a struggle.
DONT RUN AFTER YOUR CHILDREN. iF SHE IS NICE TO YOU, BE NICE TO HER. IF SHE IS NOT, STAY NEUTRAL. Dont love her, dont hate her. She wants you to be reactive and controlling to prove that you were always active and controlling.
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dancingqueen
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Thu, Nov 23 2017, 10:32 am
amother wrote: | This is good advice for younger children, and definitely the way I parented my kids from toddlerhood through elementary school. As they become teens, responses like the ones you described actually don't work anymore, not because your premise (highlighting the emotion behind the question and empathizing with it) no longer holds true, but because teens don't buy into it anymore. A teen would respond to "are you feeling like I didn't give you the same freedom as your little sister?" with "Ma, have you been reading one of those psychology books again, please talk normal." This is because on some level, they WANT a power struggle with you, not just empathy and understanding. They are teens, and they want a good challenge, they want to see how much they can push authority, it's not always about feeling understood. That's why a mother seeking to retain her power sometimes just needs a quick line to deflect the challenge, or to just ignore. I know it's not warm and fuzzy, but teens really are more complicated than younger kids, who are not full of raging independence seeking feelings. |
I don’t know. I don’t have teens yet but I was a teen once and I think a parent acknowledging that they were indeed stricter with the older siblings but now are more relaxed with xyz can help satisfy that teenage desire for justice and being honest. I could be wrong though.
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amother
Tangerine
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Thu, Nov 23 2017, 10:59 am
dancingqueen wrote: | I don’t know. I don’t have teens yet but I was a teen once and I think a parent acknowledging that they were indeed stricter with the older siblings but now are more relaxed with xyz can help satisfy that teenage desire for justice and being honest. I could be wrong though. |
Hi, it's OP. If that were the case, I would agree with you. I've thought a lot about what different women are suggesting may be my daughter's underlying motivation for her disrespect, and most of the suppositions (like she was controlled into being a model child, or she was not given as much freedom as her younger siblings) are not true. No parent is perfect, some of us are a little too controlling, some of us a little too worried, some of us a little too permissive, but that's ok as long as we were fair and well intentioned. Unless a parent was truly unfair, deflecting challenges and ignoring comments are really the more important skills for parenting teens. Unfortunately these skills don't come naturally to me like they do to my husband. I am much more of the empathetic, listening to feelings and vulnerabilities type of parent. But teens are chaotic inside, they want to feel your strength. Listen to Fox, she's really got it in this area.
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