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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Why is my son not popular?



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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:09 am
My oldest son has been with the same kids since he was four years old. He is now eight. He is smart, funny, talented, good looking, and not at all shy. He isn’t the best at sports but he isn’t the worst, and is naturally strong and fast. He has high self esteem and if anything may be a little show-offy and know-it-all-y, or even bossy.
He has often complained that he feels like he doesn’t have a lot of friends. He sometimes feels left out. He isn’t bullied, though once and a while he’ll say this boy or that boy said somethings mean. He doesn’t get a lot of play dates, though when we have boys here they seem to have a great time together. There are a few boys on the nerdier side that seem to really like him but he isn’t interested even though I tell him that a real friend is someone who likes being around him, not someone who is only his friend when it’s convenient.
His teachers never seem to notice anything off, and he seems happy nevertheless. He told me yesterday that he sometimes plays alone at recess because he likes climbing and the other boys are playing kickball. He said he doesn’t mind, but it made me sad.
Should I worry? I’m hoping that as he gets older he’ll mature and find some real friends. Is there anything I should do to help him or should I just let him figure it out?

Edited to add: he is the youngest in his class because his birthday is by the cutoff... might be a factor. Though academically he is fine.
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relish




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:16 am
There is this phone line where people, even kids can call up a social worker with questions like this. It is broadcasted on the radio. The social worker's name is Mordechai Weinberger 7182982011 for the playback. I don't know the times or phone number for the live call in.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:20 am
I am wondering similarly about my daughters and I have come to the conclusion that it's not about them, it's about me. The kids whose mothers are popular, click with the other moms well are the ones whose kids constantly have play dates. I never made much effort to befriend the moms, as I find most of them insipid. But my girls are paying the price. DH says I should start brown nosing the other moms for the sake of our daughters. Ughhh. I don't think I'm a good enough actress for this.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:25 am
I would make it the goal that he should have friends; popular isn't all that important.

Is your son happy? Is he complaining? Play dates aren't a proof of anything, because some parents don't for whatever reason call to schedule any.

Maybe there are some social skills you can work on with him. You mentioned he can be a little show-offy or bossy. Can you coach him to tone it down so that kids aren't put off by that? Or maybe he can learn to negotiate/cooperate and play what the majority of the boys are playing.

Is there a school counselor with whom you can discuss this?
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das




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 10:47 am
Just read an interesting book in which the author talks about the desperation of today's parents for their kids to be popular. he admits that he and his wife bought their children designer clothing and stocked their house with junk hoping to make them popular. Eventually, he concludes, citing many studies, that it if you want to raise ur child to be a succesful adult focus on raising them to be good ppl with a positive sense of self. Popularity is not impt.
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TzipporahN




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:18 am
How about Karate?
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amother
Brown


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:24 am
das wrote:
Just read an interesting book in which the author talks about the desperation of today's parents for their kids to be popular. he admits that he and his wife bought their children designer clothing and stocked their house with junk hoping to make them popular. Eventually, he concludes, citing many studies, that it if you want to raise ur child to be a succesful adult focus on raising them to be good ppl with a positive sense of self. Popularity is not impt.


Thank you so much for sharing that! Such important advice!!!!
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 1:11 pm
das wrote:
Just read an interesting book in which the author talks about the desperation of today's parents for their kids to be popular. he admits that he and his wife bought their children designer clothing and stocked their house with junk hoping to make them popular. Eventually, he concludes, citing many studies, that it if you want to raise ur child to be a succesful adult focus on raising them to be good ppl with a positive sense of self. Popularity is not impt.


Thank you. This is what I was looking for. I just want to know that my kid will not be damaged by not being popular.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 2:34 pm
amother wrote:
My oldest son has been with the same kids since he was four years old. He is now eight. He is smart, funny, talented, good looking, and not at all shy. He isn’t the best at sports but he isn’t the worst, and is naturally strong and fast. He has high self esteem and if anything may be a little show-offy and know-it-all-y, or even bossy.
He has often complained that he feels like he doesn’t have a lot of friends. He sometimes feels left out. He isn’t bullied, though once and a while he’ll say this boy or that boy said somethings mean. He doesn’t get a lot of play dates, though when we have boys here they seem to have a great time together. There are a few boys on the nerdier side that seem to really like him but he isn’t interested even though I tell him that a real friend is someone who likes being around him, not someone who is only his friend when it’s convenient.
His teachers never seem to notice anything off, and he seems happy nevertheless. He told me yesterday that he sometimes plays alone at recess because he likes climbing and the other boys are playing kickball. He said he doesn’t mind, but it made me sad.
Should I worry? I’m hoping that as he gets older he’ll mature and find some real friends. Is there anything I should do to help him or should I just let him figure it out?

Edited to add: he is the youngest in his class because his birthday is by the cutoff... might be a factor. Though academically he is fine.

It sounds like he has kids who want to be his friends, but he doesn't want to be friends with them.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 2:43 pm
DrMom wrote:
It sounds like he has kids who want to be his friends, but he doesn't want to be friends with them.


This. Encourage him to play with the kids who are nerdy but like him. It's not damaging for a kid to not be popular, but it can be damaging to not have friends.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 2:47 pm
I don’t think being popular is a wonderful thing.

However the OP stated the boy complains because he would like more friends. This is different entirely than s child who isn’t popular but is happy with his or her social life and friends.

I don’t have solutions but as some hinted at perhaps he could expand his social circle by taking him to activities he enjoys where he would meet like minded boys. He likes rock climbing so perhaps there is a group of rock climbers or if he has other interests, find a class or group with those interests.

However, there could be a disconnect since he says h isn’t interested in the nerdy boys. So is it because they are nerdy and he wants friends with the popular boys or is it because he has nothing in common with the nerdy boys. If he is seeking friends among the popular, there is a potential problem since he might realistically have nothing in common with them and only want to be friends because they are popular rather than because he has common interests.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 5:58 pm
amother wrote:
He has high self esteem and if anything may be a little show-offy and know-it-all-y, or even bossy.
He has often complained that he feels like he doesn’t have a lot of friends. He sometimes feels left out.


Sometimes what may look like high self esteem is really an over confident bossy arrogant personality. The nerdy boys and the ones who can't stand up for themselves will gravitate toward a bossy and show-offy child because they see him as a leader and they do not mind being told what to do and how and when. Bottom line: no one likes to be around a know it all.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2017, 8:41 pm
Don't underestimate the power of recess. If he's not playing with anyone else, they will see him as different. (Of course, you need to check if the reason he's pulled away is because they already weren't liking him...) In general, I'm not a believer in forcing or pushing a kid to do things during their leisure time. But experience has taught me that a boy needs to play some sports, even if he doesn't really like them.

When he was younger, we made a deal with ds- play sports at recess twice a week. It's a major way boys bond. For the rest of the time, we told him he could do what he liked but should try to get at least one other boy to join. This kept his social skills up and helped him make friends. The sports day kept his bond with the rest of the boys as part of the crowd. And you want to keep his sports skills up enough that if he wants to play later on (to be a part of things, or whatever) he can- at older ages, its hard to play of you don't have ok skills.
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