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Offering seat on the train to a heavy woman.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 6:52 am
I was sitting on the train yesterday coming home from work. The train was full and there was a heavy, thirty something year old woman standing near me. The woman sitting next to me got up and motioned for the heavy woman to take her seat. The heavy woman made a disgusted face and motioned that she didn't want the seat. She appeared upset. Was offering the seat kind or rude?
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:21 am
The offer was kind. The 30 something woman interpreted it through her lens.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:42 am
It's never rude to do something kind, but it was rather stupid. Unless the woman had a cane or was carrying something that looked exceptionally heavy or looked about to faint, there was no obvious reason to offer her the seat. Believe it or not, most of us fat people don't want to be fat. And we certainly don't like having attention called to it.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:46 am
I am very heavy and have no problem standing. I think that was rude. That's making an assumption, an incorrect assumption, about heavy people.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:50 am
I don't see why it's easier for a women that's not fat to stand than it is for a women that is fat...
I know many not skinny people that have way more stamima than skinny people.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:52 am
amother wrote:
It's never rude to do something kind, but it was rather stupid. Unless the woman had a cane or was carrying something that looked exceptionally heavy or looked about to faint, there was no obvious reason to offer her the seat. Believe it or not, most of us fat people don't want to be fat. And we certainly don't like having attention called to it.


It depends on the person. I disagree. Most obese people I know, family memebers and friends would be happy.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:53 am
We also need to know how heavy is heavy. 200 pounds? 300? 400?
If someone is morbidly obese, than yes, from a medical standpoint they are less healthy and should have less stamina.
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leah233




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:56 am
When I used public transportation I had the same dilemma by any older person who wasn't very old. Is offering them a seat offensive because you are implying they are too old to stand ?
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 7:59 am
LovesHashem wrote:
It depends on the person. I disagree. Most obese people I know, family memebers and friends would be happy.

Yes, but here's the question: would those obese people be insulted by not being offered a seat? I doubt it. But most obese people would be insulted to be offered (barring some other visible reason). It's like wishing someone b'sha'a tova to someone who turns out not to be pregnant. Sure, some people will laugh it off (I certainly find it amusing, and usually joke about being due with a pizza) but most people would be hurt by it and virtually no one would be hurt by not being wished b'sha'a tova by people who didn't know they were pregnant. There is zero risk to saying nothing. There is significantly more than zero risk to hurting someone by saying something. So the answer is to say nothing.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:04 am
If I think someone may appreciate a seat - and they aren't definitively pregnant, or definitively very old, or definitively handicapped, I get up and move elsewhere on the train (or bus). Making no eye contact.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:04 am
LovesHashem wrote:
We also need to know how heavy is heavy. 200 pounds? 300? 400?
If someone is morbidly obese, than yes, from a medical standpoint they are less healthy and should have less stamina.


You can't tell someone's health by looking at them. I weigh 150 lbs. You might think that's merely overweight, but because of my height, I'm actually clinically obese. And yeah, I look heavier than I am because I'm short. But I also (so far) have zero health issues. Cholesterol- perfect. Blood pressure- perfect. Blood sugar- perfect. I can run after my kids or to catch a bus just fine without getting winded. I eat healthier than most people I know and exercise pretty rigorously. I'm healthier than my skinny husband. I'm fat due to some genetic hormonal/metabolic issues. So no, you don't know that I have less stamina than anyone else.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:09 am
amother wrote:
You can't tell someone's health by looking at them. I weigh 150 lbs. You might think that's merely overweight, but because of my height, I'm actually clinically obese. And yeah, I look heavier than I am because I'm short. But I also (so far) have zero health issues. Cholesterol- perfect. Blood pressure- perfect. Blood sugar- perfect. I can run after my kids or to catch a bus just fine without getting winded. I eat healthier than most people I know and exercise pretty rigorously. I'm healthier than my skinny husband. I'm fat due to some genetic hormonal/metabolic issues. So no, you don't know that I have less stamina than anyone else.


I said morbidly obese. I'm also clinically obese. Here's google's definition:

Morbid Obesity is a Serious Health Condition. ... An individual is considered morbidly obese if he or she is 100 pounds over his/her ideal body weight, has a BMI of 40 or more, or 35 or more and experiencing obesity-related health conditions, such as high blood pressure or diabetes.

People who are helathy can sometimes be clinically obese, cuz the BMI thing is kinda flawed, not taking in account many things, but usually it doesn't make mistakes about MORBIDLY obese
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:15 am
LovesHashem wrote:
I said morbidly obese. I'm also clinically obese. Here's google's definition:

Morbid Obesity is a Serious Health Condition. ... An individual is considered morbidly obese if he or she is 100 pounds over his/her ideal body weight, has a BMI of 40 or more, or 35 or more and experiencing obesity-related health conditions, such as high blood pressure or diabetes.

People who are helathy can sometimes be clinically obese, cuz the BMI thing is kinda flawed, not taking in account many things, but usually it doesn't make mistakes about MORBIDLY obese

True, but you still can't any of that by looking at someone. Again, I look heavier than I am. Also, I'm not "obese according to bmi but that's just by a little and I'm an athlete so it's all muscle". My bmi is like 35, so I'm firmly in the obese camp, and I'm definitely not made of muscle. I'm exactly the kind of person people make wrong assumptions about based on how I look.
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Sunny Days




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:16 am
oh my. I never knew offering a seat can be rude. I always offer my seat. (unless I'm preg or right after birth and need to sit very desperately.)
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:29 am
People, use your brains. The woman who offered the seat thought the heavy woman was pregnant, not obese. Duh! The heavy woman was offended because she knew what tbe other woman was assuming. (Do people often give up their seats to fat people? Not that I have seen. They seldom get up even for obviously pregnant or obviously aged or obviously disabled people.) She was also rude. She should have smiled and shaken her head or said no, thanks.

It’s a sad commentary on our times when a person gets bashed for being kind.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2017, 1:37 am
150 is obese now? shock
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etky




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2017, 1:50 am
zaq wrote:
People, use your brains. The woman who offered the seat thought the heavy woman was pregnant, not obese. Duh! The heavy woman was offended because she knew what tbe other woman was assuming. (Do people often give up their seats to fat people? Not that I have seen. They seldom get up even for obviously pregnant or obviously aged or obviously disabled people.) She was also rude. She should have smiled and shaken her head or said no, thanks.

It’s a sad commentary on our times when a person gets bashed for being kind.


Happened to me several times on the bus, in my younger years, when I was not pregnant, merely heavy.
It was very embarrasing.
However, I just smiled at the person offering the seat and said 'ein tzorech, todah".
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2017, 1:52 am
I'm thin and attractive. No one could tell by looking at me that I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and POTS. I'd love a seat, and would be extremely grateful for it. I hate getting dirty looks if I take a spot.


Slightly OT. This reminds me of a time when I was on the tram in Amsterdam. A very elderly man and a very pregnant lady were having a friendly "argument" over who should get the one spare seat. Both of them were insisting that the other should take it! Soon someone got up, so that they could both have seats. It was all very sweet to watch.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2017, 2:13 am
I'm overweight and have been offered seats...because people thought I was pregnant. It was very offensive and hurtful* (especially during times I was struggling with infertility). As a result I've always worn obvious maternity clothing when actually pregnant (and am then happy to take an offered seat).

* though I've always tried to politely decline the seat offer, I also can't blame someone for getting upset and being unable to hide their true emotions, especially if they too were dealing with a situation like infertility or a recent loss.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2017, 2:32 am
I'm just fat. People offer me a seat all the time. I am grateful..Maybe embarrassed a little, but not by them. By the fact of my weight - which is my problem not theirs.
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