Never thought I’d be one of those mothers

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 2:34 pm

I know it’s none of my business and I’m supposed to let my kids live and make decisions on their own BUT do need some perspective here and please please validate me in feeling the way I do ...
My father passed away 2.5 years ago.
My daughter just gave birth to her 3rd child, her first boy. My husband and I have travelled overseas for the bris.
My husbands father passed away when he was a teenager and there are dozens of names already in our family named after his father, including our eldest son.
I thought (mistakenly) that if/when my daughter gives birth to a boy, she’d name him after my father, who doesn’t have a name yet.
But she told me that her plan is to name the baby after my husbands father.
After my initial shock, and a bit of discussion, inside I feel so hurt.
But this baby is hers of course. Her baby, her decision. And I need
To get passed this hurt of mine and put on a brave happy face at the bris.
But I’m not sure if I can. She had a special relationship with my father and never even met her other grandfather. I just don’t get it. But it’s not for me to ‘get’. I know I know. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am also so embarrassed for my family when I tell
Them the name. They for sure are thinking that ‘finally! A baby boy who will have a name after zaidy’!

106

amother

Powderblue

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:18 pm

Mazal tov on the new grandson. I'm sorry for your pain and support you in the difficult but correct choice not to interfere. There may be some private reason that they don't want to use your late father's name. May the little one grow לתורה לחופה ולמעשים טובים, and may you have much nachas from him and from your entire family.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:34 pm

Keep in the front of your mind

1. They are naming after the baby's GRANDFATHER, rather than great grandfather.

2. This is a just a test for you, which it sounds like you are very close to passing.

3. The internal struggle you are having is very valuable.

4. They have ruach hakodesh about the name- you don't.

Metukah

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:38 pm

amother wrote:

Keep in the front of your mind

1. They are naming after the baby's GRANDFATHER, rather than great grandfather.

I think you misunderstood, they will be naming after op's dh's father not after her daughter's husband's father. Both great grandfather's.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:38 pm

amother wrote:

Not that it makes you feel better but often new parents name their babies after the ancestor whose name they like better.

No they are not like that. They are the kind of couple who give a name a lot of thought and discussion. But again, I’m trying to overcome my hurt and don’t think I’ll be able to. I am DREADING telling my family the name. How do I do that without bad mouthing my kids and defending them? I think they are being so thoughtless to me. Not only to me but to my fathers neshama. Am I missing something here?

Metukah

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:41 pm

amother wrote:

Not that it makes you feel better but often new parents name their babies after the ancestor whose name they like better.

Agree. My dh absolutely loved his mother's father, but he really doesn't like the name and doesn't want to name a son after him. I have tried suggesting variations but it doesn't seem to work. I hope mil won't be offended and won't think it is my fault. BH neither my parents nor my in laws have ever interfered in name giving. (only nicknames). My parents and siblings who had kids when my grandfather was still alive had a really difficult time with the pressure he put on them to give certain names.

Eta sp

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:44 pm

Honey dew they are naming after a grandfather, not Great grandfather

I am not close to passing any test.
I am sorry I travelled all the way here, to be honest. The more I’m digesting this news, the more I feel slapped in the face Crying

etky

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:47 pm

Just a thought -I may be completely off base here....
Perhaps your DD is naming her child davka after the grandfather who was missing from her life, to sort of fill a void that has always been there.
Maybe she had always felt, from childhood, that when she had a son be"h she would name him after the grandfather who passed away so young and whom she never got to meet.
Maybe to her it is irrelevant that he already has other children named after him.

ETA - I totally understand why this is difficult for you OP.
I honestly don't know what I would do or how I would react in your place...

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:51 pm

etky wrote:

Maybe...
maybe but all of those reasons don’t make me feel any better.

I don’t think anything will really help me feel better.

I also think they want to give kovod to my dh by naming after his father.
But what about me? I feel like chopped liver right now.

amother

Royalblue

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 3:53 pm

I am so so impressed by your awareness and your ability to give them space.

I don't think saying anything will help. There's obviously some underlying something here - probably something from him, and it's not worth getting mixed up in their shalom bayis.

I'm sorry for your pain. Kol hakavod and hatzlacha processing and telling your family.

amother

Teal

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 4:00 pm

I know I'm in the minority here though I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that it would mean a lot to you if they name after your father, as long as you tell them that you understand if they decide otherwise and don't push it on them in any way. If you think that they are doing it just in order to honor your dh then maybe he should mention it.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 4:24 pm

amother wrote:

I did say that to my daughter when she first told me. And then I dropped it,seeing it was not up for discussion.
And how could the not know that it would mean a lot to me and my family when he doesn’t even have a name yet???? . I think they are thoughtless and selfish. Or maybe really hated my father? The more I think about this the more upset I’m getting.

amother

Royalblue

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 4:42 pm

No, no, no! Be strong!!!!

There is so obviously something going on here.

I bet if you look for it, you'll see that she's stressing out over your reaction and she really does want to name and can't for some reason.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Nov 25 2017, 4:54 pm

[quote="amother"]No, no, no! Be strong!!!!

There is so obviously something going on here.

I bet if you look for it, you'll see that she's stressing out over your reaction and she really does want to name and can't for some reason.[/quote]

These are her reasons:
(And b/c I’m too subjective please tell me if I’m being overly sensitive.)

And I am quoting her

- daddy’s father was a tzaddick. Not that your father wasn’t a good man, but daddy’s father was a tzaddick
-
- we already named ‘kreindy’(not real of her first daughter) after your mother

(Her first daughter was named after my side, my mother. Her second daughter named after her own husbands side and now it’s my husbands turn to have a name).

- daddy travelled all the way here for the bris and we thought it would be such a kovod for him to have his grandson named after his own father

shock