Why does it make me so mad?

amother

Babypink

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 8:00 pm

My kids are little (6,3, baby) and they are so hard to put to bed. (Beside baby bH) I love them to pieces and they are generally well behaved normal kids with normal behavior issues. But bedtime is such a struggle. They come out of bed 500 times. It makes me crazy. I want to glue them to their beds. They want drinks they need the bathroom they want to have philosophical conversations about their day they argue with each other etc etc I know it's normal. But my reaction isn't. I get so full of anger and frustration I don't know what to do. I feel like screaming bloody murder. I'm tired and it all just leaves me so drained. Every night I say I won't yell when they are making trouble and every night I fail and of course it doesn't help the situation.
Why do I get so so so angry? Annoyed yes it makes sense but so mad? How do I break this bad and harmful habit?

penguin

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 8:22 pm

Some people do a thing where they have a countable object, marbles or stickers or tickets. They can have 3 each night (or 2 or 4, whatever you think they can handle). Each time they come out of bed, they give you one.

If they have any left in the morning, they can trade it in for a prize. E.g. use a puzzle with 24 pieces, or similar game. At the end of the week they hve the whole game or puzzle to play with. Or a variation on this theme.

It gives them the autonomy to decide if it's worth giving up their prize. And surprising how they don't need things so badly.

Also it it's about remembering something they need for school next day they can have a memo pad next to bed & write you a note (3YO can draw a pic) so you'll remember to pack at night or clarify in the morning.

Whoops, I had only read the first part of your post. But I see you're asking more about how to control your reaction. Still, I think my idea will help you to detach from the struggle.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 8:24 pm

I have an idea to suggest, it has worked wonders with my children.
After your children are in pajamas, teeth are brushed, and all bedtime routine stuff are done explain to your children (they are definitely old enough to understand this) that they have ONE pass. The pass can be used for some more water, one more hug, one more kiss etc
it is up to them how they will each use their 'coupon', and once the coupon is used they CANNOT under any circumstance come out of bed or request anything or call for you etc
You can even make a physical sort of coupon for them to see visually, that once he/she hands it over, they can not ask for anything else.
The key to this, and with all discipline really, is making sure you follow through!

hope this was helpful

amother

Gold

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 8:26 pm

amother wrote:

Mine are roughly the same ages and I have a similar struggle. I know this sounds terrible, but at least for me, the reason I get so upset is because as the minutes tick, I feel like I'm being robbed of my me-time. I need my evenings and bed time troubles cut into that, it makes me upset.

This. I once found myself grumbling that my parenting shift is over! I am off the clock! Leave me alone!

Parenting is draining. Parenting when we are already drained at the end of a long day is even harder.

I noticed that if I offer each child an appropriate night time mommy-and-me activity, they are more cooperative. My son knows that if he is ready before his bedtime, we can read a book together. His younger brother prefers a back rub and a conversation about his day or plans for tomorrow or just sharing a story he imagined. It all comes with cuddles and kisses included, of course.

Knowing that they will get this treat only if they follow the rules helps them cooperate. Knowing that it's limited helps me stay patient. Getting this TLC makes the whole atmosphere calmer.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 8:37 pm

Thanks so much for all the replies! It's definitely comforting to know I'm not alone. The me time thing is for sure part of it. I like those ideas about coupons and the pass I think I'll give it a try.

We read books after bath. A book for each of them. I give them lots of attention but after we say shema and they're in bed I kind of feel like ok guys I did my part I held up my end and now I'm done it's your turn.

Lady supremacy- I also feel so guilty when I make them cry. After they are sleeping I go into their room and they look so adorable and I feel like the worst mother in history. Like why can't I keep my cool and shower them with love even when I'm at my breaking point and then some 😔.

I would love to hear some strategies for staying calm

amother

Blonde

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 8:56 pm

Bedtime used to be a disaster. My kid wouldn't stay in bed EVER.
She needed the toilet, a drink, she forgot something, is hungry, too tired to fall asleep (no kidding. I was rotfl at how creative she can be) wants to play. She wants to see that her friends/neighbors (summer time) are in bed already It's not dark. Its too dark. Lol. Whatever.

I made a rule. NO coming out of the room NO MATTER WHAT.
Of course she came out anyway. Countless times.
Whenever she'd come out. I would not listen to whatever she had to say. I'd tell her I turned my ears down and they will only work oncell she's back in bed. And I DID NOT listen to her.
She got the message. She stayed in bed.
It took a while but it worked.
If needed, I would pick her up and putter back into bed too.
Now once she's in bed, she'd call me, I would go but I always ask if it's super important for tonight. If she says yes, I tell her I'm coming and I'd let her wait a minute or so even if I can go right away. Her laying quietly for that time helps her settle in a little and she gets sleepy.
If it's something that was NOT important before falling asleep, I'd listen, then tell her "this isn't super important for now, now it's time to sleep" and then I will answer or do whatever she asked for. ("I want to put my prizes on that shelf" "it's sleepy time now. This can be put on the shelf tomorrow. Here, give it to me, I'll put it there)
At first she'd call me as many times as she used to come out.....
On average she now calls me once or twice a night.
And it's usually to refill the soppy cup with water, or that her blanket is stuck. And sometimes she remembered something from her day. And that's ok. As long as it's not every day constantly.

This kid is a little doll. She loves exploring and is always up to the craziest things. I could write a book. She's also a lot taller than her age and can reach/do stuff most 5 yo can't do. (She's 4.) But when it comes to discipline, if there is a clear plan of action she learns.

My other kid is 2. She's a little dare devil. She is capable of getting out of her crib but I scare do her that she might fall and hurt herself. (She really can) so far she's still in the there and falls asleep very nicely.
I'm terrified of the day she figures out a way to get out. Bedtime will never end!!!

After bedtime is also the only -me time" I get. My 2 yo is home with me all day and doesn't nap anymore.... so I know how it feels.
Oftentimes, I make a mental note, "ok, it's 6:45 till 7:15 is kids bedtime. there is no me-time before then" if I don't expect to have me time it's a lot easier.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 9:08 pm

Hm, I'm thinking back now when my oldest was small & I had to be out the door to commute to my teaching job 1/2 an hour away, I think at 7:15 but I can't even remember... and I really don't function w/o enough sleep, so as she wouldn't go to sleep I would be calculating how much sleep I wouldn't get...

Now I want to tell the younger me to just let go and relax ....

And I'm remembering someone who made a really SERIOUS contest or consequence, I forget which, and her poor little girl stayed in bed after she vomited ... so you really need to be careful how much you scare them ... in this case it may even have been for a reward but the poor little girl didn't realize it was a valid reason to call Mommy. Not sure how you'd avoid that..

unexpected

Fri, Dec 01 2017, 12:24 am

What I did to help me stay sane when I was putting my kids to sleep when they were younger helped me deal with my own anger in so many other situations. It's this little trick I picked up from Miriam Levy's Effective Jewish Parenting. It went like this: whenever that little voice inside me started saying "the children really SHOULD be in bed now" or "I SHOULD be allowed to drink my coffee in peace" or "she SHOULD realize that I have so much work to do" etc I would simply counteract with "who says?"
It worked like magic. Once I took the expectation out of it, I was so much less frustrated. When the kids came out I was able to just calmly repeat that I could talk to them in the morning. When I heard them giggling in their beds I ignored it. Sure, they didn't always go to bed at a decent time but there was no power struggle which made them feel safer and helped them fall asleep faster than they would have otherwise. Also, I realized that most of my night time schedule was self-imposed "shoulds". It was around that time that I stopped serving supper on real dishes and started doing most of my meals in one pan in the oven. This saved me so much time on clean up. If I didn't get to the laundry, I would simply spot-clean the kids clothes so they could wear it again the next day. Bathing was reduced to twice a week, Thursday night and Sundays. When I was less exhausted from the nighttime routine I was better at the self-talking.
Also, it taught me to be much more aware of my own needs and that awareness helped me to come up with practical solutions. Like, for example, on a night when my inner voice was telling me that I was unable to cope with all the little voices after 8 pm, and I knew that I was too tired, drained or emotional to deal, I would put the kids in and then go into the shower. By the time I came out, the house was quiet.
In general, my house became a much happier place even if it wasn't up to my previous standards, and it was great practice for when they became teenagers which brought the chaos to a whole new, more sophisticated level...