Child demanding birthday present, what to do?

amother

Denim

Sun, Dec 10 2017, 11:19 pm

Child just turned 7. Receives many gifts from many people. I don't usually buy my kids birthday presents, instead I make a nice cake and a nice supper and do nice things for them all the time. I buy "just because" presents. But especially because other people buy birthday presents for them I don't.

This child I think her love language is receiving things. Or at least one of her love languages. So I do try to get her things here and there. And I show plenty of affection and love in other ways and she definitely feels loved. But it seems like this birthday present thing might mean a lot to her. I don't want her to feel like I'm depriving her by refusing to get her something that is important TO HER (yes I know many will argue that birthday presents are completely unnecessary and obviously that's what I thought but it looks like to her it might be more important.)

The problem is that she expressed this in a very demanding way. Now that she's asleep and I'm thinking it over, she's just a little kid and that's probably just an expression of how she might be feeling insecure or something. The problem is that I already told her (oops?) that I did not like the way she was talking and I don't give presents because of demands and whining.

I feel like I painted myself into a corner here. Now if I get her something she'll think it's because of her kvetching, but if I don't get her something there will be bad feelings anyway - not just about me, but she might feel bad about herself that she blew it with her kvetching, which even though it was annoying and chutzpadik was probably normal for her age.

The actual birthday is over already but I still have another chance to figure this out because we didn't have the cake "party" yet since we are waiting for relatives to arrive. What do I do now?!

amother

Amber

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:04 am

Personally I think you should reconsider your whole approach and start getting birthday presents for all of your kids. It can be something you were going to get anyway. It doesn't have to be expensive. But I think it is a normal social expectation to get a birthday present from your parents when you are a child.

amother

Denim

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:12 am

Also it's only been a month since the last child's birthday, who didn't get a present from me, so if I start right now it could become an issue. By the way it's not like I don't do things for their birthdays. We go out for a special mommy-and-me ice cream, the special cake and dinner is stated as a gift from mommy. I just don't give "stuff."

amother

Navy

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:17 am

amother wrote:

This.

oliveoil

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:17 am

amother wrote:

Plenty of people don't do birthday presents, or don't do them consistently.

A party is a present in and of itself.

There's also special birthday dinners and other ways to celebrate.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:26 am

Sorry to STRONGLY disagree with all above. Buying her the gift will make her insecure knowing she can sway you. You shower your daughter w love-you cant fear a bad mood! (Never mind the unfairness to the rest of your children...)Its normal part of growing up. In this case id ask her what it is she wanted as a gift and give her the opportunity to earn it. Please dont give in to a young child like that! I assure u it will bring more harm than good. And kal hakavod to you that you dnt believe in gifts and celebrate in meaningful ways. Stick to it w confidence and youl have nachas when your children do the same for their children...
As an aside- make whatever gifts they do want attainable by making them earn. I do that all the time and my kids feel great about receiving it

amother

Denim

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:50 am

amother wrote:

I don't think she wanted anything specific. I would have known if she did. She would have asked, probably nicely too. We talk about these things. I get her things. I think she just wanted the experience of me giving her a birthday present. Also a balloon, she asked for a balloon in addition to a present. Pretty sure I may have bought her a helium balloon some other year, but that was spontaneous - not "You need to get me a balloon and a present."

But that's a good idea to raise as a conversation, tomorrow I'll ask her if there was something she would have wanted as a gift and take it from there.

anonymrs

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 12:20 pm

amother wrote:

Agree with the bolded!! Once you've said it, you can't back down because she complained.

mommyhood

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 2:51 pm

amother wrote:

You show flexibility . You demonstrate that even adults make mistakes sometimes and they can be corrected.

And you get her a present and tell her you love her.

How does giving to to silly demands show flexibility, it shows that kvetching and chutzpah pays. This child is clearly loved and was just showered with gifts and good things. There is no reason for one gift to come from the parents.

OP I have the same policy as you and my parents did as well.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 6:33 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

I can’t imagine not getting my own child a birthday gift and I don’t think that a child that young sees cake and a special dinner as a present.

I disagree. Unless of course your childs love language is 'gifts'. I decorate the birthday girl or boys room, and he/she gets to pick a special dinner and dessert. gifts are given randomly, as an 'I was out and thought of you' gift.

oliveoil

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 7:03 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

I can’t imagine not getting my own child a birthday gift and I don’t think that a child that young sees cake and a special dinner as a present.

It's not that the child sees the cake and special dinner as a present, but that birthday doesn't necessarily equal presents. birthday = celebration, which can sometimes take the form of gifts, sometimes a home party, sometimes taking 2-3 friends on an outing, or a special family outing in honor of that child.

tigerwife

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 7:48 pm

Quote:

But especially because other people buy birthday presents for them I don't

Can you explain the rationale behind this?
I'm finding it interesting that several people look negatively at birthday gifts. I haven't encountered this before. What is specifically wrong with making a birthday special with a special present? Is it better to give gifts spontaneously than to have them "scheduled", so to say? Are you against chanuka presents and afikomen presents too?

33055

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 7:58 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Quote:

But especially because other people buy birthday presents for them I don't

I don't give gifts because they are scheduled. Often you are forced to give things that may or may not be special because you must give something.

I am pretty unmaterialistic and so is my family because of this. It is not that we don't have things, it is that we don't demand things because of the calender.

We don't give afikomen gifts because children shouldn't be rewarded for "stealing" from their father.