Child demanding birthday present, what to do?

mommy3b2c

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 8:20 pm

amother wrote:

Personally I think you should reconsider your whole approach and start getting birthday presents for all of your kids. It can be something you were going to get anyway. It doesn't have to be expensive. But I think it is a normal social expectation to get a birthday present from your parents when you are a child.

Not in my family. I don’t remember getting any birthday presents. The only one I can remember is getting a present when I turned sixteen. And I don’t really get my kids birthday presents. I make them really nice parties. My in laws on the other hand, consider birthdays a major thing.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 8:33 pm

Squishy wrote:

We don't give afikomen gifts because children shouldn't be rewarded for "stealing" from their father.

isn’t that a minhag? Or do you not have that minhag for that reasoning? I never thought of it as stealing, as much as a game. We use the word “snatch” instead of steal, my parents would have a lot to say if I changed my minhag for moral reasons. (Although that said, my ancestors changed their minhag from doing kaparos with chicken, to money because they thought it was immoral to do it with chickens when not living on or near a chicken farm. )

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 8:58 pm

I don't think it's a problem to go to her the next morning and say that now you can have a reasonable conversation and find out why a present is so important to her so you will know for the future. And then surprise her in a week or so with one. And teach her how it's impolite to demand things, and more than that -- it's not acceptable to speak to parents that way, but if something is important to her and is making her upset, there are alternative ways to express it, and role play with her.

mommyhood

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:08 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Quote:

But especially because other people buy birthday presents for them I don't

Can you explain the rationale behind this?
I'm finding it interesting that several people look negatively at birthday gifts. I haven't encountered this before. What is specifically wrong with making a birthday special with a special present? Is it better to give gifts spontaneously than to have them "scheduled", so to say? Are you against chanuka presents and afikomen presents too?

You're quoting the OP but she never said she's against gifts. It sounds like her kids are getting plenty therefor an extra one 'from Mommy' is overkill.
For every birthday my kids get gifts from grandparents, great grandparents and 2 or 3 aunts/uncles. More would just be excessive. As it is I try and get my kids to save opening some so they don't get bored of everything in one week.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:14 pm

to answer tigerwife-my dh is very anti making a big deal of birthdays, anniversaries etc.. so he takes it to the next level lol! His attitude is either I can love you every day or not care about you the rest of the year and pretend to on those designated days. He believes that signs of love should come from the heart and not because you feel you have to.

He'll say happy birthday to me because he knows I'll get upset if he ignores my birthday Wink

but I respect his wishes and don't acknowledge his birthday at all.

We don't get our kids b-day, afikomen or chanukah presents but we do get them stuff throughout the year just because.

Children shouldn't feel that they are "owed" stuff and that we get them stuff because we "have" to but rather because we love them and think of them always, anything we get them should be considered an extra.

As an aside a kid complained that my dh gets me so many presents Wink

I explained to them it's all how you look at things, I choose to view anytime my dh buys me something as a present they are welcomed to do the same.

edited to add: if a kid says they want a b-day, chanukah etc present we tell them they can just consider the last thing which was pretty recent as a chanukah present. My dd asked for a certain clothing item so we got it for her last week. I asked her if she would have preferred us save it for Chanukah she said no Wink

simcha2

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:20 pm

Maybe it's a peer pressure thing. What did your parents get you?" And she doesn't have a good answer. Or another girl came to school saying "I got a present and a balloon" and she would also like that.

At 7 she may not be able to articulate why it's important to her. (At 37 I'm not sure I could have articulated it either).

I understand not rewarding bad behavior, but given you see how important this is to her, I would probably decorate her chair for her party with a helium balloon.

amother

Amber

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:24 pm

oliveoil wrote:

Plenty of people don't do birthday presents, or don't do them consistently.
.

Wow the stuff you learn from this website

No one is talking anything extravagant!. It can be the hairbrush you were getting anyway. The pjs. A new book about the parsha.

I just felt sad for the DD. She will remember her 7th bday as the one she wanted a present and didn't get it

Never said you should reward bad behavior, but that you should listen to her concerns, which I think are pretty reasonable (even if expressed unreasonably) and RETHINK your whole approach.

But it is just my opinion and there are clearly many many ways to skin this cat.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:55 pm

I turn lots of things into gifts. My kids are little and love it. New bathing suit - I ask the store for a gift box. Same for slippers, pajamas, hair accessories , shabbos shoes, box of crayons, etc. you can have a culture of giving and gifts without it being about birthdays.

amother

Denim

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 9:20 am

mommyhood wrote:

OP here, this is correct.

She hasn't mentioned the gift again and we didn't have time to discuss it. So right now I'm hoping it was just a kvetch and hopefully she will not remember her 7th birthday as the one where she wanted a present from mom and didn't get one - hopefully she will remember it as the one where her mom sent a nosh for her whole class to school and made her a minnie mouse cake and invited over extended family for games, and when her other relatives gave her all kinds of junk. And maybe next year I'll start giving out birthday presents for everyone instead of just giving them things at random times. Because it does seem that getting things is a big love language for this child on any day of the year.