Just a vent, I think

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 2:57 pm

amother wrote:

I believe it will stop the yelling issue. Will it be enough? I’m not sure. But going to track my exact spending for a month. And I will only use this money, and I guess we will see from there.
If you’re worried that I won’t have anything left and he won’t give more, don’t worry about it. He would never do that to me.

Check back with us in a couple of months to let us know how it’s going!

In general - savings should be a mandatory thing in the budget (if possible, and your claim is it’s very possible) rather than ‘whatever is leftover at the end of the month/year/timeframe.

It’s harder to achieve when income isn’t coming in on a consistent basis (like a paycheck) - but if you treat ‘paying the savings account’, with the same rigour as ‘paying the rent’ - it can be done.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 3:33 pm

amother wrote:

To be clear, we do have an automatic transfer to savings every month. But I don’t think it’s enough.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 3:38 pm

amother wrote:

To be clear, we do have an automatic transfer to savings every month. But I don’t think it’s enough.

Simple solution to that!

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 4:30 pm

amother wrote:

Increase the amount of automatic savings withdrawals.

Well that does seem obvious, but based on all my posts do you think I have access or ability to increase the amount?

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 4:58 pm

amother wrote:

Well that does seem obvious, but based on all my posts do you think I have access or ability to increase the amount?

You have access to your husband. Is he not frustrated by the lack of savings too? Or is that just your concern.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 5:49 pm

amother wrote:

You have access to your husband. Is he not frustrated by the lack of savings too? Or is that just your concern.

He is frustrated. His solution is to tell me to “stop spending money on stupid sh*t.”
Like I said, there’s not a lot to work with, which is why this whole situation is very frustrating. But one of your posts was particularly enlightening to me, so thanks for that.
And hopefully we will start this new experiment, which will also have good results.

ellacoe

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 7:39 pm

I saw that people mentioned going over it with a therapist. In Marital Mediation, where finances are an issue (very very common) couples are given a budget form to fill out and then the mediators go through it with them item by item if necessary. Guidelines are put into place. The couple will agree on issues, like who pays what, for what amount does one spouse have to inform the other spouse they are spending, or whatever topic individual to the couple needs resolution. It is a very b'Kovidik, practical process that keeps the drama and emotions out of it, and allows a couple to resolve their financial frictions without fighting or recrimination.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 10:52 pm

amother wrote:

Okay - an alternative solution would be to increase automatic saving so there is less money for either of you to spend (as you are convinced he is the source of the spending problem....)

hope things turn around on all fronts (the savings grow, and the bickering stops).

amother

Black

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 7:32 am

just commenting in general:

I always thought that lack of money raises shalom bayis issues. Whew!!!!!

Now I see, being financially stable also raises shalom bayis issues.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 7:49 am

amother wrote:

just commenting in general:

I always thought that lack of money raises shalom bayis issues. Whew!!!!!

Now I see, being financially stable also raises shalom bayis issues.

You know what? I can’t even say that he has a spending problem. I honestly think that both of us try to be careful and have cut down on many things. (We also both have our weaknesses. His is that he buys breakfast and lunch every day and he buys coffee at least three times a day.) What frustrates me is the lack of communication.

asp40

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 8:20 am

So many red flags here. First, if you are making that kind of money, you should be paying more in taxes, unless you live in a state without income tax. Not 100% sure how that works.

Next. Where is the retirement savings?

Third. Both partners need equal access to see what is going on financially. Or else the one in the dark is at a risk of being left with nothing.

Counseling and intervention. You need to be equal partners here.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 8:28 am

asp40 wrote:

Some funds automatically go into retirement every month. I do technically have equal access I just can’t figure out what’s going on. And he would never leave me with nothing. That’s not one of my worries. He will always take care of me.

TwinsMommy

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 8:29 am

Bfast and lunch and 3 coffees a day. That's 20 bucks a day. 100 bucks a week. 400 bucks a month. Show him that math. Yikes.

imasoftov

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 8:31 am

amother wrote:

just commenting in general:

I always thought that lack of money raises shalom bayis issues. Whew!!!!!

Now I see, being financially stable also raises shalom bayis issues.

It seems to me that there is a lack of money, just not evenly distributed among the family.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 8:57 am

amother wrote:

This isn’t something that anyone can know definitively. (Not saying that to make you panic).

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 9:01 am

amother wrote:

This isn’t something that anyone can know definitively. (Not saying that to make you panic).

I’m not panicking. I guess it’s possible for him to turn into an evil monster. But it’s highly Improbable, so why would I worry about that. Besides, almost every account is in my name, so he needs me.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 9:09 am

amother wrote:

Exactly. You have access to money, which mitigates the possibly that he may turn into an evil monster and turn on you financially. So you don’t need to worry.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 12 2017, 9:15 am

amother wrote:

Exactly. You have access to money, which mitigates the possibly that he may turn into an evil monster and turn on you financially. So you don’t need to worry.

I’m not worried. We bh love each other very much and have a good marriage. This is the one issue that I want to get past. That’s why even if all the issues are not resolved and I just end up with my own account, I’ll be happy, because everything will be less stressful. He’ll pay for his expenses, I’ll pay for mine. I can buy myself an occasional luxury without him commenting. I just think it will be better for shalom bayis.