Help - need chizzuk for this time of year

amother

Cyan

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 1:45 pm

I'm BT. Grew up celebrating the goyisher festival from this time of year. Am missing the songs and festive aspect and being with extended family. This year as usual dhs parents are having a festive meal with my SIL and her non Jewish dh, my parents are having a festive meal with my brother and his boyfriend and family.

It's crazy I know but I'm feeling left out. And like I'm missing out. And like my kids are missing out. I am not even a giyoret.

Please knock some sense into me.

relish

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 1:49 pm

I can prove to you how we have it better, etc, but I think it's important for you to be able to explore those feelings.
It's okay to miss those days. It's okay to hate yourself for missing those days. Feelings are just that, feelings, and they don't define you.
Feel them, be curious about them, listen to what they are trying to tell you, and you may be surprised by the real message behind those feelings.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 1:54 pm

OP do you at least get a chance to celebrate Chanuka with your family or do they only celebrate Xmas? Because my mother is a BT and we always travelled to her non frum relatives for Chanuka. We loved it. We lit menorah,gave lots of gifts and ate festive meals with my grandmother , aunt, uncle , cousins and extended cousins, all of who were not frum.

amother

Cyan

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:06 pm

They are not just "getting together". It's turkey (non kosher of course (even for.non Horowitzs)), crackers, presents, etc. I really miss the songs - trying to knock them out of my head. I grew up believing in the guy with the red suit. We had a tree.

I must be a complete IDIOT! I've been frum for more than 20 years.

I should have made a Chanukah party but they are not really into it.

Give me something else to think about maybe.

amother

Plum

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:09 pm

amother wrote:

They are not just "getting together". It's turkey (non kosher of course (even for.non Horowitzs)), crackers, presents, etc. I really miss the songs - trying to knock them out of my head. I grew up believing in the guy with the red suit. We had a tree.

I must be a complete IDIOT!

I should have made a Chanukah party but they are not really into it.

It’s a nice memory. Cut yourself some slack.

PinkFridge

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:25 pm

Every middah has its use. There's gaava: gaava b'kdusha. Give yourself a pat on the back for the courageous choices you've made. Now's the time to really let yourself revel in it.
I know this won't help, but it is something. Kol hakavod! Hat's off to you, figuratively!

naomi2

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:26 pm

Any nice warm memory from childhood is special. It's OK to miss that. It's OK to miss Xmas and what it meant to you. It's not like you believe all the religious stuff. Cut yourself some slack and let yourself mourn what you gave up. And it might help you to try to find a new jewish ritual to fill that emotional void from here on out. Not erasing and replacing memories just fulfilling an emotion need to be warm and happy and loved and excited with friends and family.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:33 pm

Op, you’re being way to hard on yourself! Of course you miss it. It brings back such lovely memories for you. Let yourself miss it without guilt. There is absolutely no reason not to miss it. I think if you let yourself miss it and stop feeling guilty, then you will stop feeling so bad about not having it anymore.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:36 pm

amother wrote:

OP your feelings are justified. Don't feel like an idiot. It is sparking childhood memories which we're happy family moments and now you are the only one not joining and it makes you feel "left out" and like you are missing out on the fun.
I just wonder if halachically you would be able to join them and just eat your kosher food that you bring along and give them "late" Chanuka presents. My mother goes often to her brother on Xmas because that's when they are both off of work. But they are not doing anything xmas related.
I have a feeling you are allowed to join the family get together but not participate in the xmas activities. Have you asked your Rabbi? Don't be embarrassed, it's not about Xmas it's about Family time. And since you dont do anything for Chanuka with them it's totally understandable why Xmas makes you feel this way.

amother

Cyan

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 2:52 pm

I wouldn't go because it would not be good for my kids. Anyway my parents flew to.another state for this as they do every year.

Never dreamed of asking a Rav.

But maybe I.am wrong about these things.

I think it's worse for me this year because I usually have let myself listen to / sing the songs and this year I'm trying not to do that and it is really hard.

Thank you Pinkfridge and others for your kind words. And for the idea to think about what this feeling really means. I think it would not be so bad if we really were "exemplary" Jews. Had a Shul we truly liked, fitted in better. Had dh/kids who loved learning Torah the way I do. Had more happy atmosphere over Shabbat. Definitely something to think about and work on.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 3:31 pm

amother wrote:

I wouldn't go because it would not be good for my kids. Anyway my parents flew to.another state for this as they do every year.

Never dreamed of asking a Rav.

I think it's worse for me this year because I usually have let myself listen to / sing the songs and this year I'm trying not to do that and it is really hard.

Thank you Pinkfridge and others for your kind words.

I grew up knowing that not all occasions with our non frum family were appropriate for the kids. We didn't go on various occasions . Only my mother or mother and father did. With a Rav guidance you can work out all the logistics . Our relatives all lived out of state and we travelled to them. They were very gracious and bought us the basics making sure all was kosher and we brought along foods that were harder to find out there . My mother had a special box with sharp knives, a frying pan and some other utensils that my uncle kept in his attic for when the frum relatives visited.
I went to them with my own kids for Thanksgiving one year and brought along my own food which we shared with them at their Thanksgiving dinner. We have a great relationship and though they may think of us as fanatics they are still family and love to spend time with us as family.
I don't know how respectful your family is of you being religious but if they are it is advisable to speak to a Rav to know what you can and can't do with your family in the future. Why deprive yourself of family when it is feasible under certain circumstances?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 3:37 pm

There are so many fun and wonderful Chanukah songs on YouTube. If you don't keep CY, there is an eggnog with an OU-D on it. I think it's made my Lucerne, but double check.

This is a really hard time of the year for a lot of people, because it is so dark and dreary between now and secular New Years. It feels cold and lonely and empty.

This is a good time to do crafts with the kids, bake cookies, and wrap yourself up in warm pajamas. Try to make some happy memories of your own, and don't forget lots of self care.

amother

Cyan

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 3:38 pm

Bizzydizzy you cross posted with my edit of my last post.

I think maybe I should speak to a Rabbi about next year, although I think Xmas is different from Thanksgiving? Doesn't it send the kids the wrong message?

Do you mind saying what hashkafah the Rabbi you dealt with is?

PinkFridge

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 4:40 pm

amother wrote:

Not sure what you mean by exemplary. Shadow any of us for 24 hours and you might just see cracks here and there, we're all human.
But it does sound like you have what to work on. There's no magic wand anyone can wave to make things the way you'd like. I wish you hatzlacha and good IRL shlichim for you and your family's growth.
I do have an idea that will spark joy: every day, try to find a few things about different family members that you like/respect/admire. Your family will pick up the positive vibes, that they are people you like, are proud of, are happy to be with. A lot of good may flow from that starting point.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 4:50 pm

amother wrote:

I understand what you're feeling. I wish I could help. It's hard.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 24 2017, 5:22 pm

amother wrote:

OP my mother always consulted her Rav who is litvish. I never needed to ask for myself, as Thanksgiving was a family get together because we were off of work and were able to travel. But regardless, many frum families do celebrate Thanksgiving so that's not a big deal, And we were accommodated in regard to kosher food etc.
If you would have a Rav tell you it's ok to go to your family for Xmas , I agree that it's an occasion where it wouldn't be appropriate for your kids but for you as an adult you go by yourself and you would be fine .