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Forum -> Household Management
S/o dysfunctional home let's ask the kids
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doodlesmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 3:24 pm
After all these threads I decided that all it matters is Whether the kids in the household felt that the house is functional or not.
So if you feel you were brought up in a dysfunctional home can you explain what made it dysfunctional?
This might give us a clue as to what to avoid, and what really matters!
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 3:34 pm
Pin drop silence at shabbos table but no way around not eating some foods
afraid parents explosions
Never know you count
Feel hated
Feel shame
Embarrased by noise from parents screaming
Afraid of windows open cuz ppl will hear your name being screamed at
Being put down
Being made fun of
Nobody in tune with said childs needs
Educational neglect
Having strict regime of indisputable jobs
Being Parentified
Feel no one is there for you
Not feeling safe
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 3:40 pm
Yelling at kids makes them feel scared, not secure.
Hitting your kids makes them feel scared, not secure.

Yelling and hitting make a home dysfunctional.

Everything else is commentary.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 3:41 pm
Physically my parents home was immaculately functional down to personalized dinners for each child...
But we were labeled, talked about incessantly, and my mother had no discretion at all in her conversations, no thought to who was listening and while our age appropriate questions about life were never answered we were exposed to half and quarter truths without explanations.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 3:53 pm
No heat in the winter because mother was afraid to go to the basement to check the boiler. She would only go with one of us, and of course we developed a phobia of going to the basement too.
Came home from school and locked out waiting for over an hour until our mother came home from work. Sometimes she gave me money in the morning so that as soon as I got off the bus I had to go to the grocery to get bread and yogurt so that I could serve supper.
Sometimes there wasn't even milk that we had cereal and water
At times the fridge was stocked but with nothing edible. Either a bunch of spoiled old food or containers of schug and chummus something my mother liked to eat plain but no food for the kids
No lunch for school other than stale bread with a spoonful of peanut butter. ( very often my classmates brought me extra sandwiches)
Bathing was never done unless the child took care of themselves
Friday afternoons it was my job at age 9 to take all my little siblings about 10 blocks away to the park and spend all day until an hour before Shabbos so that my mother could prepare for Shabbos
Mother collected clothes as a chesed and you couldn't walk into the door or walk up the stairs because of garbage bags and piles of clothes littered everywhere.
Mother put on clothes 3 sizes bigger than our real size and just hemmed it miles so that it lasted it is many years.
A cleaning lady was never considered besides before Pesach.
The house was so so dirty. There was pee absorbed into the couch in the dining room .
Mother attended all her friends children's events , graduations etc but sometimes didn't attend her own children's performance .
Mother often helped others but neglected the household
Every surface was covered with garbage, or clothes. Dishes would be left in the sink for a full week. She then implemented a rule where I needed o wash the dishes daily from age 12 every single day. ( because of that I always hold off washing the dishes. It's always the last thing on my list because I despise it)
Us children often disappeared from the house for hours with out mother realizing it because she was always on the phone yakking with friends.
Our feelings of shame and neglect were never taken into consideration.
Mother always compared our work in the home to what the neighbors kids did. ( I wanted her to compare herself to their mother and maybe if she lived up to that we would've been willing to be like the neighbors kids)
I was to listen to my mother cry and sob when she wasn't coping and managing even though I was a young teen and crying myself inside
We never ever got physical affection and our emotional needs weren't met. My sisters therapist told her , your mother needed to just mother. Instead she spent those hours she could've used to bond to dump you in therapy sessions while she waited for you to be done in the waiting room.
I have lots and lots more examples o dysfunction.
Hashem blessed us with amazing neighbors and family friends who raised us, fed us and took care of us.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:02 pm
Outwardly /technically I grew up in an extremely functional home :
Full supper every night, and punctual
Clean clothes
Mom involved in school projects
Baths, brushing teeth. . . .
Neat, clean home (thanks to full time daily cleaning lady )
But the truth is that our home was extremely disfunctional:
Yelling, hitting and unpredictable , moody mom
Constant chaos
Mom with zero patience for kids
I had age inappropriate jobs like putting siblings to bed and bathing them at a really young age
Expressing negative emotions was not allowed (complaining,being sad /upset /angry )
So the conclusion that I personally came to is that yes a child needs clean clothes, baths and food, BUT even more important is the emotional connection with his parents, a child has to feel safe, welcome, wanted in his home in order to thrive
But I think the rules apply for most of the time and there's usually no permanent damage if you slip up occasionally
Good luck to all the mothers who are trying their best
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:04 pm
Bizzydizzymommy, you could and should write a book, or at least sell the story to Ami or Mishpacha. It might help those who could easily be just like your mother but might see themselves and take a different path.

I have known families like what you describe and unless someone else steps in to help the kids, they have no way to escape the dysfunction that surrounds them constantly.

I do think that fewer adults of my children's generation try to save the world when they can't handle the obligations at home.
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weasley




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:24 pm
So interesting, I grew up in a house that was a literal pigsty, once a week bath (that was shared with 2 siblings, so I can't imagine it left us much cleaner!) Homework was never done (teachers gave up!) And was sent home quite a few times bc we had lice. (My parents were going through horrendous stuff emotionly so I think that took a toll...)

Having said that, as a kid and looking back I never felt neglected or not looked after at all!!!! My mother felt so strongly how important it was to be there emotionally for her kids and would take us off from school every so often for morning together, just to spend one on one time. And it really paid off, I ALWAYS felt sooooo loved and cared for, so much so that as a teenager I went through big stuff and I can say without a doubt the only thing that stopped me going OTD was bc I didn't want to hurt my parents bc of the close connection I felt.
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doodlesmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:30 pm
weasley wrote:
So interesting, I grew up in a house that was a literal pigsty, once a week bath (that was shared with 2 siblings, so I can't imagine it left us much cleaner!) Homework was never done (teachers gave up!) And was sent home quite a few times bc we had lice. (My parents were going through horrendous stuff emotionly so I think that took a toll...)

Having said that, as a kid and looking back I never felt neglected or not looked after at all!!!! My mother felt so strongly how important it was to be there emotionally for her kids and would take us off from school every so often for morning together, just to spend one on one time. And it really paid off, I ALWAYS felt sooooo loved and cared for, so much so that as a teenager I went through big stuff and I can say without a doubt the only thing that stopped me going OTD was bc I didn't want to hurt my parents bc of the close connection I felt.

I liked and hugged your post at once. It is great that there was no residual issues having been through the first part of your post, which definitely smells of dysfunction.
But your mother did make sure you feel loved which is what gets you through life.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:34 pm
looking back how often I took a bath as a child didn't affect me. but that that my mother smelled and that our house was a pigsty definitely did affect me. So for me that's where I draw the line now Wink

Like Weasley I never felt neglected as a child. More frustrated by the situation. My mother was always there for me emotionally. Like Weasley my mother was going through a lot. I feel very blessed to know that my mother always loved me and always will love me no matter what. I was quite spoiled with attention Wink
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:38 pm
weasley wrote:
So interesting, I grew up in a house that was a literal pigsty, once a week bath (that was shared with 2 siblings, so I can't imagine it left us much cleaner!) Homework was never done (teachers gave up!) And was sent home quite a few times bc we had lice. (My parents were going through horrendous stuff emotionly so I think that took a toll...)

Having said that, as a kid and looking back I never felt neglected or not looked after at all!!!! My mother felt so strongly how important it was to be there emotionally for her kids and would take us off from school every so often for morning together, just to spend one on one time. And it really paid off, I ALWAYS felt sooooo loved and cared for, so much so that as a teenager I went through big stuff and I can say without a doubt the only thing that stopped me going OTD was bc I didn't want to hurt my parents bc of the close connection I felt.


So you could basically say that the lack of housekeeping didn't dampen the spirit of the home. There were posters on the other thread and on this thread who said that even though the homes that they grew up in were tidy and they were cared for physically they were neglected emotionally so it appears that the condition of the house takes second place to the way that they parents relate to the kids and if kids had to choose between cold but organized parents or warm but disorganized parents, they would greatly prefer the latter.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:39 pm
I grew up with emotionally absent parents, who also had low frustration tolerance. The combo was pretty bad. My father would sometimes physically abuse us due to his losing patience so easily. My house was relatively clean, we had cleaning and hw help, not a crazy amount of chores. My mother also told us way more then she should have, 'parentified' us. I didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until my upper teens/low 20's. It definitely affected me and my siblings although in different ways. My mother thinks she was a great mother and doesn't get why some of us distance ourselves. What makes it worse is other siblings who guilt trip those of us who do this, saying 'but she's family. You do anything for family'. No I don't. I resent my parents, especially my mother. I also don't want my own Children around her and her disfunction. I have worked really hard on myself to be a better parent, to be emotionally available. And it's often a struggle to keep my cool. So I isolate my family from my parents As much as possible, to give them a good chance at normal
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:44 pm
Double entry
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weasley




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 4:53 pm
amother wrote:
looking back how often I took a bath as a child didn't affect me. but that that my mother smelled and that our house was a pigsty definitely did affect me. So for me that's where I draw the line now Wink

Like Weasley I never felt neglected as a child. More frustrated by the situation. My mother was always there for me emotionally. Like Weasley my mother was going through a lot. I feel very blessed to know that my mother always loved me and always will love me no matter what. I was quite spoiled with attention Wink


At times it did bother me especially in a social sense - I didnt do so well socially and I think this played a big part. I never wanted to bring any friends home, my parents struggled ALOT financially - the house was in shambles, litrally and I would get some horrible comments from peers when the did come round. So much so that when I got engaged I was so embarrassed to bring my chosson, even though me and my siblings at that point had taken charge of the cleanliness and the tidyness.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 5:11 pm
Our house was spotless and we always had meticulously clean clothes.
But-
She didn't like to cook so most days we had a half assed supper (she said we were picky waters so why bother). She half bathed us when she felt like it (several kids at a time, no soap). A few of my siblings were never toilet trained properly. I used to babysit all of the little ones for hours so she can shop.
She never formed any connection with any of her children. She was always on the phone. The only emotion we ever saw from her was rage.
What else? We were constantly yelled at and put down. Made fun of and called names.
I was terrified of her going to PTA even though I was a decent student, because I knew she'd come home angry about one thing or another.
My father wasn't there, his head was always somewhere else. To this day I can't converse with him beyond "hi, what's up, nothing much, Baruch hashem"

That's my story.

It's a upward battle every day for me to be present and loving to my child.
I hate chores, because I used to work so hard only for her to say it's not perfect enough.
My core values right now are - send dc off happy to school, clean clothes for everyone every day, decently clean house- nothing spotless, balanced nutritious dinners, and make sure dc goes to bed clean and happy and calm.
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tweety1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 5:47 pm
No shalom bayis between parents at all. Constant yelling and screaming. My father always did and does punish my mother. My father is a verbal and emotional abuser and control maniac. I never felt safe. The was absolutely not a day that was a relaxed atmosphere in my house.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 6:44 pm
I feel a dysfunctional home is more the norm than not. My mother never showed affection and she was distant and critical. I don't ever remember her telling me she loved me. She often had a headache and was in her room laying down. But she did chauffeur me to places a lot so I gotta give her that. She shopped and cooked on a regular basis. But I was left to do whatever the heck I wanted during the day. I ate whatever I wanted. Didn't bath much and probably went to school unkept, at least until I became a teenager and started caring. I got plenty of cavities and tooth abscesses due to my diet. I faked illness to skip school. Never once did my mother inform me about what normal is for being a girl. I didn't realize for maybe a year that the tampon applicator doesn't actually stay inside the body. My father on the other hand was gone a lot for work. He had an explosive personality and we all hated it when he was home. I was sometimes my mother's protector because he was emotionally and verbally abusive to her. I never felt close to him and always walked on egg shells to avoid a confrontation I knew I wasn't going to win. My brother ran away at least two times when he was a teenager because of my fathers physical and verbal abuse towards him. My brother got caught with marijuana once by the police and my mother went and stole all the neighbors newspapers so they wouldn't read it in the police blotter so that my father would never find out. I don't think he ever did. We didn't have any relatives or close family friends. I never had a sense of a larger family or community and I think this has lead to me always feeling like an outsider. I always envied my neighbor friend. Her parents, though not rich and fancy, seemed like very decent people and parents. So, emotionally, I don't trust very easily and I don't share my thoughts and feelings spontaneously because as a child that had always lead to me regretting it. I shelter my emotions a lot. Both my parents are niftar now. My mother passed away when I was a teenager and my father just recently. I never had closure with my mother but I think I did with my father. Despite my childhood, I don't think of it as awful but I do recognize I had some stressful times and I'm the way I am now because of it. I try very hard to show my kids affection and make sure they know they can come to us always. I catch myself being critical and judgmental with my kids sometimes and I have to stop myself. I yell and have a short temper also. But I really try to do a better job than what my parents did. That may not be fair of me to think of them like that. I know both my parents had abusive parents.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 6:47 pm
Op I have been watching many homes over the years ; the ups and downs of close relatives and friends and have seen clean homes dirty homes and all levels of dysfunction. My conclusion is that although a clean home and goid meals are ideal they do not cause damage if not present. Most important is a very present mom.( Even w a difficult marriage etc) messy homes or sloppy suppers aren't what traumatize-it's the lack of connection that causes more probs than I can post
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 7:51 pm
My heart hurts for all your stories but a part of me also hurts for your moms. I wonder what their stories were.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 25 2017, 8:13 pm
justforfun87 wrote:
My heart hurts for all your stories but a part of me also hurts for your moms. I wonder what their stories were.

In my mothers case , she grew up with an uber clean mother who was super organized and had her home work like clockwork. Affection was not shown I don't think . It was more of a home where you needed to be prim and proper . ( us kids adored my mothers mother and she was the positive and loving example in our life , so it's weird) my mother decided to be the opposite in terms of cleanliness. She also became frum which caused some friction when she first became frum but my grandmother embraced it afterward . I think her breaking point was when my parents divorced. She never could keep house before either. But my father obviously helped with housework and cooking and once he was gone she had to deal with that plus all the emotional turmoil of herself and the kids. So yes, we cut her slack for being like this and we knew she had it hard .
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