S/o dysfunctional home let's ask the kids

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Dec 25 2017, 8:49 pm

Our home was always a mess. My mother hardly cooked supper. When she did it was either no salt or too spicy or not cooked enough so we didn't eat it. Laundry was never done. I learned how to do laundry at a very young age. I took care of myself. I made myself a sandwich for supper.
Supper and laundry didn't bother me that much. Mess made me annoyed. I was jealous when kids discussed their suppers.
What bothered me most was that my mother didn't understand me. Used to criticize me a lot. When I helped it wasn't good enough. She used to say I don't help enough. Let me work too hard (I offered though but was too much for me) didn't acknowledge my work. Didn't feel like she cared much about me. When I got the courage to tell her about my social issues she just said it's normal and didn't try to help me. She shamed me when I misbehaved. She allowed my brothers to bully me "because that's how kids play."

amother

Ruby

Mon, Dec 25 2017, 9:40 pm

The house I grew up in was clean but not spotless. My mother cooked some delicious food and I have fond memories of eating them. My father adored us and showered us with love and attention. However my mother was fiercely jealous of her kids. She had a constant urge to “show us our place” which meant to degrade us. It was all subtle but extremely destructive. I was extremely traumatized a few times by some very dramatic and demoralizing episodes with her. I would describe my childhood home as sometimes very cozy but overall emotionally unsafe.

I show my kids love firstly by keeping things emotionally safe. Respecting personal boundaries, not yelling, not hitting, not putting kids down or emphasising their negative behavior.

I also practice attunement. I check in with my kids. See how they are. Spend time with them alone. Really listen to them.

I also practice “good enough housekeeping”. Clean clothes, homemade suppers, brushing teeth, baths as needed, linen not changed enough but passable, the house is cleaned thourougly once a week paying attention to detail (but leaving a mound of clean clothes in the laundry room) and in between a bit messy.

I am a terrible delegater so I probably do most of it myself when I should get my kids to pitch in. But this is where I am right now.

A functional home is a happy home. How to achieve that is more individual based on circumstances and temperament.

amother

Amber

Tue, Dec 26 2017, 10:53 pm

How I wish I could eloquently fit all my childhood dysfunction into this neat little space. I wouldn't know where to begin, nor where to end. Even my ability to communicate has been hampered.
As I read the posts, I nodded along at times, sympathized at others.
I just want to point something out: never ever assume you know what's really happening on the other side of the door. What you perceive as dysfunctional may be a home that'll produce a generation of the healthiest sort. And vice versa. Gosh, the dysfunction that can occur with no one (outside those four walls) the wiser.

My father molesting us kids enhanced the level of dysfunction a notch, I'll add.

The residue beneath ones nails, the grimy floors may easily be washed away twenty years hence. Stains on the soul, eyes dimmed by layers of sadness.... that sticks around. Believe me.
(I'm not condoning dysfunctional housekeeping. A decent home is important for raising healthy kids too. I hope my message is clear enough because I don't feel like going on now Wink

)

rachel0615

Tue, Dec 26 2017, 11:21 pm

My mom leaving suicide notes around and talking to the kids about her suicidal thoughts

Not taking meds for a Neuro disorder in order to bring on seizures so she could get attention

Telling ppl around town she is divorcing my dad after a fight

My dad using me as a confidante when my mom was unstable until my mom became stable again and then dropping me and claiming he doesn't know why I want to spend time talking to him.

Coming home and realizing ur mom decided not to make shabbos bc she doesn't care about being frum.

Your mom eating chametz on pesach in front of the family bc she wants u to know how sick she is mentally

Her sickness being talked about at every single simcha, from your bat mitzvah until.ur sheva brachos

The dysfunction has not ended but I am no longer in it. The impact of it never ends- so often I need my husband to just hold me after I am reminded of it bc the reality of it is so crippling. Hugs to everyone . none of us deserved this.

amother

Smokey

Wed, Dec 27 2017, 12:05 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

No heat in the winter because mother was afraid to go to the basement to check the boiler. She would only go with one of us, and of course we developed a phobia of going to the basement too.
Came home from school and locked out waiting for over an hour until our mother came home from work. Sometimes she gave me money in the morning so that as soon as I got off the bus I had to go to the grocery to get bread and yogurt so that I could serve supper.
Sometimes there wasn't even milk that we had cereal and water
At times the fridge was stocked but with nothing edible. Either a bunch of spoiled old food or containers of schug and chummus something my mother liked to eat plain but no food for the kids
No lunch for school other than stale bread with a spoonful of peanut butter. ( very often my classmates brought me extra sandwiches)
Bathing was never done unless the child took care of themselves
Friday afternoons it was my job at age 9 to take all my little siblings about 10 blocks away to the park and spend all day until an hour before Shabbos so that my mother could prepare for Shabbos
Mother collected clothes as a chesed and you couldn't walk into the door or walk up the stairs because of garbage bags and piles of clothes littered everywhere.
Mother put on clothes 3 sizes bigger than our real size and just hemmed it miles so that it lasted it is many years.
A cleaning lady was never considered besides before Pesach.
The house was so so dirty. There was pee absorbed into the couch in the dining room .
Mother attended all her friends children's events , graduations etc but sometimes didn't attend her own children's performance .
Mother often helped others but neglected the household
Every surface was covered with garbage, or clothes. Dishes would be left in the sink for a full week. She then implemented a rule where I needed o wash the dishes daily from age 12 every single day. ( because of that I always hold off washing the dishes. It's always the last thing on my list because I despise it)
Us children often disappeared from the house for hours with out mother realizing it because she was always on the phone yakking with friends.
Our feelings of shame and neglect were never taken into consideration.
Mother always compared our work in the home to what the neighbors kids did. ( I wanted her to compare herself to their mother and maybe if she lived up to that we would've been willing to be like the neighbors kids)
I was to listen to my mother cry and sob when she wasn't coping and managing even though I was a young teen and crying myself inside
We never ever got physical affection and our emotional needs weren't met. My sisters therapist told her , your mother needed to just mother. Instead she spent those hours she could've used to bond to dump you in therapy sessions while she waited for you to be done in the waiting room.
I have lots and lots more examples o dysfunction.
Hashem blessed us with amazing neighbors and family friends who raised us, fed us and took care of us.

Wow this post makes me so sad. (And many other posts too)
Dizzy, you seem to be so normal! I’d never guess. You must be an amazing person.

amother

Lime

Wed, Dec 27 2017, 12:53 pm

There are so many forms of disfunction.
My Home was always clean, dinner always made, I was always bathed. But all that was by a maid. Both parents were unreliable emotionally. Mother needed me to mother her and father was simply absent. At a young age I got myself ready and off to school, packed myself lunches and snacks, did homework on my own, and cried myself to sleep at night about going to school where I hated it. I had no emotional support or love whatsoever. I was called a crybaby when I cried so I stifled my pain until I was old enough to get myself the help I needed. I’m still suffering the results of it.

Another family I know lives in an awfully messy and dirty Home. Dishes sit out all week from shabbos, the bathroom always smells like urine, the floor is always filthy, dinner consists of Mac and cheese every night, the kids wear torn clothing etc and yet they think their home is the most functional place in the world. Parents are very affectionate but emotions are unheard of there. Not allowed to be sad, jealous, angry, hurt, etc. Yet the children think they grew up in the most wholesome home in the world. And theyre all missing an emotional connection in life. It baffles me how they don’t see it

crust

Wed, Dec 27 2017, 12:56 pm

rachel0615 wrote:

No words.

thunderstorm

Wed, Dec 27 2017, 1:00 pm

rachel0615 wrote:

This is way worse than anything I ever went through. I am just crying inside reading this. I hope you have found healing, probably impossible.

crust

Wed, Dec 27 2017, 1:01 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

Tears for that little hungry cold girl waiting outside her home. . Crying

I'm sorry for what you went through. Hug

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Dec 27 2017, 1:50 pm

amother wrote:

I grew up with emotionally absent parents, who also had low frustration tolerance. The combo was pretty bad. My father would sometimes physically abuse us due to his losing patience so easily. My house was relatively clean, we had cleaning and hw help, not a crazy amount of chores. My mother also told us way more then she should have, 'parentified' us. I didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until my upper teens/low 20's. It definitely affected me and my siblings although in different ways. My mother thinks she was a great mother and doesn't get why some of us distance ourselves. What makes it worse is other siblings who guilt trip those of us who do this, saying 'but she's family. You do anything for family'. No I don't. I resent my parents, especially my mother. I also don't want my own Children around her and her disfunction. I have worked really hard on myself to be a better parent, to be emotionally available. And it's often a struggle to keep my cool. So I isolate my family from my parents As much as possible, to give them a good chance at normal

I am trying to learn from this thread.,what is parentified? And what is the telling too much about? The birds and the bees? Finances? Personal info? Please help me understand. Thank you.