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Forum -> Household Management
Close friend lives in a filthy house and doesn't realize it
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amother
Teal


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:02 am
She thinks it's just messy from having a few kids but that it's actually clean. She recently told me she's proud of herself for being so on top of things. But the reality is, there's poop stains in the toilet, random dirt/hair who knows what all over the bathroom, thick dust on her shelves, random junk on every counter and literally every corner of her house, and the list goes on. The microwave is covered in food remnants, the cabinets have food smudges all over them etc etc etc

I spend a lot of time with her and see that this is the constant state. I believe she can afford help but I think 1. she's clueless about what a clean home is 2. She has too much pride to admit she needs help.


Her home is dirty and potentially unsafe for her crawling baby. She's a great person and I don't want to insult her. Is there any tactful way to insist she gets some cleaning help?
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:19 am
You're just a friend. You are not her mother. My opinion is to MYOB.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:20 am
Unless her children are being neglected, mind your own business. And you're disinvited from my house.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:24 am
It builds the immune system.
Please don't visit me either.
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yehudis1056




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:24 am
amother wrote:
Unless her children are being neglected, mind your own business. And you're disinvited from my house.


What op is describing is not just some toys on the floor. It sounds pretty bad. I’m not saying I know of a way to tactfully rectify the situation and perhaps not saying anything is best but I don’t think you should make op into some nosy busy body.

Edited to say I don’t think anything here sounds like neglect and if your home is like this pls don’t jump down my throat just saying I understand the op and I think she’s trying to be a good friend not a yenta.


Last edited by yehudis1056 on Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:26 am; edited 1 time in total
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OutATowner




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:26 am
Op, I understand your dilemma. As a friend, you care. But you are in a difficult position because it's not really yiur place to say anything.
I don't have practical advice, but just wanted to say that I think you are coming from a good place, not judmental.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:29 am
amother wrote:
She thinks it's just messy from having a few kids but that it's actually clean. She recently told me she's proud of herself for being so on top of things. But the reality is, there's poop stains in the toilet, random dirt/hair who knows what all over the bathroom, thick dust on her shelves, random junk on every counter and literally every corner of her house, and the list goes on. The microwave is covered in food remnants, the cabinets have food smudges all over them etc etc etc

I spend a lot of time with her and see that this is the constant state. I believe she can afford help but I think 1. she's clueless about what a clean home is 2. She has too much pride to admit she needs help.


Her home is dirty and potentially unsafe for her crawling baby. She's a great person and I don't want to insult her. Is there any tactful way to insist she gets some cleaning help?


Yeah, I agree with the others. Dont come to my house. "Theres poop in the toilet?" Of course that is where it belongs!! I do try to clean my toilet very well but if she has poop in the toilet, I dont yhink thats unclean!!

Okay the other things you mentioned are not completely disgusting but I personally would be botheted by it. However if you said theres mold in dishes and on food the kids clothes stink theres poop on floor ....then thats something to make a big deal about. There are places in my home with dust bc I cant do it all but im a very clean person, obviously not to your standards!!
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:30 am
No, what the op is describing is clutter and things not being wiped down as they should be. What is dangerous to a crawling baby? Choking hazards. And op did not describe any of that. Dust and clutter never hurt anyone. No, it's not beautiful, but it's not a choking hazard. sorry.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:31 am
I would say my house pretty much matches that description but when things are put away it does look clean. The poop on the toilet is an exception though it has happened where a kid made a mess in their own bathroom and I didn't notice it right away but it's not the normal day to day look. You can live fully functional the way you describe her house. However if I had the cleaning lady option I definitely would be usin that service . It's just too much for one person to handle. Some don't mind dust balls, and food remnants in the microwave.
But obviously not all people mind. I'm constantly asked to host people and had it been so gross they wouldn't want to come . If you spend a lot of time there, as a friend I think you can pick up a rag and clean the smudges on her cabinet etc. that would be helpful in my opinion . Just saying something is not so simple. She may be overwhelmed and knows the house isn't perfect but she is not making herself sick over it . She finds other things more important.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:31 am
LOL Op, you had me worried there for a moment - do we know each other? My house looks like that...
But I don't have a crawling baby, so it's not about me I guess.

What you could do, but just one time, no repeats: talk to her about how difficult and stressy it can be to keep a house clean with little kids around. Praise the marvellous effect a cleaning lady can have. Give examples, your own cleaning lady if you have one, or people whom yoy both know. Maybe she'll warm up to the idea. If not - leave it. It's her house.
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LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:34 am
yehudis1056 wrote:
What op is describing is not just some toys on the floor. It sounds pretty bad. I’m not saying I know of a way to tactfully rectify the situation and perhaps not saying anything is best but I don’t think you should make op into some nosy busy body.

Edited to say I don’t think anything here sounds like neglect and if your home is like this pls don’t jump down my throat just saying I understand the op and I think she’s trying to be a good friend not a yenta.


Sorry but just don’t go over there. If it bothers you then don’t go over. You don’t know how many hours a day she cleans. When you have many kids and don’t have full time help, you can clean the place perfectly until the 3 year old knocks over the glass of water so it splashed all over the floor while screaming she had to go potty now and wipes her sticky hands on the wall on the way to the bathroom (and then missed the toilet water so there are stains). And this was just after I scrubbed that bathroom but now it looks like it wasn’t done in a month. And it took me 40 plus minutes that time to get the stains out after soaking. I can’t do that after every child uses the bathroom!!!

It won’t hurt anyone to be in a slightly filthy house. It does build the immune system and studies have shown that we are too clean and that is why we have more allergies and sensitivities than decades ago. Piles of papers and stuff on counters is CLUTTER not filth or dirt.
There is a big difference in having week old poopy diapers sitting on the carpet and dirty cabinet doors (which can be permanent and not something “to be cleaned”).
Oh and you are uninvited from my house too. I can spend hours cleaning on a Sunday and be proud of it but can’t keep it museum like.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 8:46 am
As a mother of young children, I can definitely relate to the "Friend"--I grew up in a cluttered home, but it wasn't "dirty"--I'm the youngest. I'm used to constant state of "disarray" as my kids are constantly taking things out, not putting them away. Constant state of laundry--clean and dirty, everywhere. When I had 2 kids under 2, someone sponsored cleaning help for me 2x a month. It was appreciated, and I felt guilty taking it b/c it seemed like the situation would revert as soon as the cleaning person would leave--it feels like a waste of money sometimes. I finally "caved" to getting cleaning help when I realized that whomever I know that has a "clean home"--has cleaning help. With the exception of a very few individuals, its not that they are "naturally clean" people. I can't afford it regularly, but I try to get it on occasion. If you want to be a good friend, I get it, and yes she'll probably feel awkward, but I recently had a baby and I was thinking when people were offering to send meals--can anyone sponsor some cleaning help? There are often deals on Groupon for cleaning services. Perhaps gift her a groupon for such a service? Maybe say its a "belated baby gift"
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LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 9:04 am
miami85 wrote:
As a mother of young children, I can definitely relate to the "Friend"--I grew up in a cluttered home, but it wasn't "dirty"--I'm the youngest. I'm used to constant state of "disarray" as my kids are constantly taking things out, not putting them away. Constant state of laundry--clean and dirty, everywhere. When I had 2 kids under 2, someone sponsored cleaning help for me 2x a month. It was appreciated, and I felt guilty taking it b/c it seemed like the situation would revert as soon as the cleaning person would leave--it feels like a waste of money sometimes. I finally "caved" to getting cleaning help when I realized that whomever I know that has a "clean home"--has cleaning help. With the exception of a very few individuals, its not that they are "naturally clean" people. I can't afford it regularly, but I try to get it on occasion. If you want to be a good friend, I get it, and yes she'll probably feel awkward, but I recently had a baby and I was thinking when people were offering to send meals--can anyone sponsor some cleaning help? There are often deals on Groupon for cleaning services. Perhaps gift her a groupon for such a service? Maybe say its a "belated baby gift"


Unless you were really close I would be horrendously insulted. The baby is already crawling. Belated baby gift would seem random and “because you think I am a slob”. Someone once gave me a gift of cleaning help but that was immediately after my baby- I went into labor after cooking and didn’t have time to clean up after that and I left for the hospital when it was a huge mess- it was my first and didn’t realize how off a due date could be! They realized that would be the case so they had the place vacuumed and scrubbed for when I came back.
So then it was appreciated. But now she feels things are back to normal, it’s not a week after the baby was born. The baby should be about 5-6 months old minimum!

If you wanted to do it gently, but I still say keep away, tell her “you saw this Groupon and were thinking of using it... do you want me to send the link as it’s a good deal and I know I can use the help to relax -what about you?”
But if she gets it you should too.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 9:20 am
I don’t know if or what op can do about the situation. But I’m shocked about how many of you think this is even semi normal to live like this. It literally sounds like living in a dirty pig sty. And don’t bother disinviting me to your house. I wouldn’t come anyway.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:06 am
Sounds like my house. My kids' room is a mess, lots of dirty dishes in the sink, counter is wiped down on a strictly as-needed basis. Oh, and people in my family have bowel issues, so our toilets are always awful. I don't have a cleaner.

But I don't get frustrated when my kids splatter yogurt everywhere, and dump flour on the floor, because I didn't spend hours cleaning. And when the toddler scatters the contents of his dresser, it's fine because the room was already less than pristine.

And when my ADD, scatterbrained, absolutely untrainable (but very sweet and excellent in other ways) DH is the slob that he is, I don't feel like a maid cleaning up after him. When he leaves pepper cores on the couch (yup, as in he was munching on a pepper and forgot to throw out the core), I don't get upset. Same goes for his socks, his dishes, and everything else that he leaves lying around, messy, etc.

If other mothers can manage to clean their homes and not get frustrated when their children (and/or husbands) inevitably mess it up, then I'm very impressed. I can either be a relaxed mom in a messy home, or I can be a very uptight mom who yells at her children when they act like children. I can have shalom bayis in a messy home, or be in a perpetual fight with my DH how he is a slob. I'm making the conscientious choice to be the former.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:08 am
Stay far away from my house! No kids at home, but DH is like a giant toddler.

I can scrub and mop and wipe things down, and within 12 hours he'll have the place looking like a frat house. Coffee spilled all over the floor, bread crumbs on the counter, milk left out, dirt ground into the floor, papers piled on every available surface.

I don't know why I bother cleaning at all. I never have friends over, because I am far too embarrassed.

DH is too cheap to pay for cleaning help, even though we can easily afford it. I do the minimum, because I just give up. Confused
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:10 am
My house doesn't always look like this but it definitely does sometimes. And I consider myself clean. My microwave hasn't been cleaned in a month but seriously how would a guest know? It doesn't smell. I have a bunch of little boys using one bathroom so although I am constantly washing down the bathroom its hard to keep the pee away! I dust surfaces but I rarely do the ceilings nope dust up there is not worth my time. Laundry gets done and goes in drawers and and the kitchen gets wiped down and dishes generally get washed every night but if you would visit right after supper it looks like a tornado hit! and by wiped down I mean the tables chairs and counters get sprayed and wiped the floor swept and if need washed but cabinets remain smudged. Perfectly fine in my opinion. And no we don't have cleaning help and don't plan on getting any anytime soon. BH I am healthy, energetic, capable and relaxed enough to be fine with it as is.

And btw Mommy3b2c you might want to rephrase your post to a kinder tone. I'm glad you can be a SAHM and have lots of cleaning help but not everyone can and should not have to feel bad that their home doesn't look like they live that lifestyle.
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amother
Black


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:16 am
Agreed that mommy3b2c could have sounded kinder, but for once I actually agree with her. I can’t think of anyone I know whose house is like that.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:19 am
amother wrote:
She thinks it's just messy from having a few kids but that it's actually clean. She recently told me she's proud of herself for being so on top of things. But the reality is, there's poop stains in the toilet, random dirt/hair who knows what all over the bathroom, thick dust on her shelves, random junk on every counter and literally every corner of her house, and the list goes on. The microwave is covered in food remnants, the cabinets have food smudges all over them etc etc etc

I spend a lot of time with her and see that this is the constant state. I believe she can afford help but I think 1. she's clueless about what a clean home is 2. She has too much pride to admit she needs help.


Her home is dirty and potentially unsafe for her crawling baby. She's a great person and I don't want to insult her. Is there any tactful way to insist she gets some cleaning help?


I can relate to you, I sometimes really cringe at some people's homes. I never say anything I just try to help them clean up and they appreciate my help.
I think it's not nice to suggest they get a cleaning lady.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:20 am
Ha this could be me. My floor hasnt been mopped in literally a few months and yes I have a crawling baby. The toilet doesn't get cleaned often. I do wipe down kitchen but inside oven has like never been cleaned since I got it new, and fridge is dirty now.

Dh actually begs me to get a cleaning lady. I'm so unreasonable right?

But I work, take care of baby when I get home, am dealing with a medical issue that involves low energy, lots of fatigue and a lot of time involved in special food prep. I can barely straighten up the house each day. I can't deal with finding a lady, having her quit on me ten times til she's finally done, staying around while she's here, repeating it all the next week. He's willing to pay! But not to arrange and that's a huge headache for me. And ofc during the times that I have a trusted lady that can come, I'm at work, he's home but refuses to stay home during those hours so she can come. Sorry honey, clean it yourself if you want it done, it's literally enough that I put supper on the table most days.
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