How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for

nachlaot

Fri, Dec 29 2017, 6:45 pm

we're a young couple. a couple months ago, people we know gave our number to a family who called and invited us over for shabbat.

this family's meal was awful and there was barely any food served. we were starving, and we were hoping the post-dinner conversation would end ASAP so we could walk home and eat some food. we don't expect much and we're always happy just to be invited for a shabbat meal, but this family's meal was much much much more scant than any other shabbat meal we've ever had in the community. it just made us feel really uncomfortable. perhaps they don't have much money, but there's no reason why they can't have a reasonable quantity of cheap food items -- or they shouldn't really be having guests.

this family seemed *too* eager to have shabbat guests. at the end of the shabbat meal, they walked us out, and invited us to join them for the next week's shabbat dinner. since we were asked on the spot, we felt pressured to accept and said yes.

we went back the following week for shabbat dinner, with an open mind and figuring we'd give it another shot. but it was the same thing -- almost no food. we don't particularly click with them but they're nice enough people. I think they just want to have guests period, and I suspect they have a hard time finding guests because they starve their guests.

after that, we decided not go back to their meals. they've invited us several times over the past couple months. each time we've declined and given them no indication that we want to get together some other time (I.e., "sorry we're unavailable this saturday" rather than "oooh too bad, we're busy this week but we're free next week and we'd love to see you soon").

the past two times they've invited us, we've ignored them, hoping they'd get the message. what's the appropriate way to handle this?

amother

Linen

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 1:38 pm

I had a similar situation except I have a bunch of kids who would starve until we finally got out of there and I could feed them real food at home.

The hosts were also nice enough people and we were new to the community. I appreciated that they reached out. When someone reaches out, we reach back. I had them over also. Our older kids know and it's become a joke (right or wrong) that we make kiddush and eat something small before we go to them and something again when we come home. The little ones I just feed with no commentary.

Well it turns out they have become one of our closest friends over the years (originaly there was no big click so I think it just developed out of the mutual kindness we had in common).

So my advice would be to work around the food issue if you can. I know it can be unpleasant. But it may be worth it Good luck!

Rubber Ducky

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 6:46 pm

amother wrote:

I love your story. That's really really nice!

mame1

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 7:11 pm

If I am invited to someone's home for a meal, my first question is: what can I bring? Even for Shabbat, you can bring things beforehand. In this particular case, maybe you could invite a third couple and have everyone bring something and make sure there are enough sides. I seriously doubt they're doing this because they want a little company. They're performing a mitzvah. I'm sure they would love to put out a big spread for you, but it's obviously not within their means or their budget, and they are sharing what little they have with you.

mommy3b2c

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 7:31 pm

mame1 wrote:

How is it a mitzvah to invite people to your house and not serve them food?

In general, it’s only a mitzvah to invite guests if they have no where else to go. Or they are people with no friends and you are just being nice to them.

hesha

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 8:23 pm

op, to me it sounds very likely that the family who invited you is a poor family with few friends. Perhaps they can't afford more food, but are so thrilled to be able to host and to feel like givers instead of nebach cases. Perhaps this is providing them with a rare opportunity. Perhaps they are overly eager to have you again because there aren't many people who would care to spend time with their family and this was a special experience for them. If you think this may be the case, consider going again, even if only as a mitzvah. If you really want, you can make a quick kiddush and challah at home so that you're not starving. or have a heavy breakfast and then eat something when you get home. Giving people the opportunity to give to others is one of the kindest things you can do for individuals who always feel like they are the town nebachs and takers.

amother

Blonde

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 8:37 pm

OP, imagine being invited and practically being force-fed second and third helpings when one plateful was a true abundance!

My opinion to you is to continue to accept their invitation, but eat a bit before you go. Not everyone has the $ to do more, and they may be used to eating smaller portions even on Shabbos for whatever reason.

naturalmom5

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 8:44 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Let me take one guess??
HELLO FLATBUSH... Very Happy

On a serious note, why don't you show the tremendous generosity you exhibit to all of us on Imamother.. to people in your shul

mommy3b2c

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 8:47 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

Let me take one guess??
HELLO FLATBUSH... Very Happy

On a serious note, why don't you show the tremendous generosity you exhibit to all of us on Imamother.. to people in your shul

I’m not sure what you mean by hello Flatbush?

And I have people from my shul over all the time. Why would you think not?
I also have people over from imamother.
What does one have to do with the other?

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 9:10 pm

I once knew a family like this. They could barely afford to feed themselves, let alone guests. At first, we just invited them to us. However, I came to realize that for them, part of the indignity of their financial difficulties was not being able to have people over like everyone else. While we still mostly had them over, we did them the chesed of sometimes taking them up on their offer to host. Whenever we did this, I always offered to bring a dessert or a side dish (which is normal etiquette regardless of hosts financial situation) and we ate before we left so that we wouldn't eat too much of their food. Years later, when they were in a better situation, the wife told me that when people came to them it was a bigger chesed than when they were invited because it offered them a shred of dignity.

keym

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 9:41 pm

I dont think this is necessarily a case of no money but possibly very small eaters or something. Ive been guests or had guests when money has been tight. Lots of challa with cheap dips like techina olive dip etc. Challa homemade comes out cheap. Small pcs of fish. Soup light on chicken heavy on carrots maybe with noodles or rice as a filler. Small pc of chicken, pulka. But generous farfel or rice, potato kugel and tzimmes. If you want to make a substancial meal you could on a very tight budget. Its heavy on the carbs and low on fresh vegies, but no one has to go away hungry.
People who dont do this are either so poor they themselves are starving, are so miserly its practically a pathology, or are tiny eaters and have no idea how to feed a family.
Just my take

mille

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 9:48 pm

Offer to bring something. If they say oh no, we're good, bring something anyway. It's hard without being there to say whether it's that they are small eaters or it's a money issue. But bringing a side dish or a big salad with a bunch of stuff in it is nice and will help fill out the meal for everyone. If they turn down your offer to make something, bring it and say "Oh, I really wanted to try this new recipe!" or something.

And don't accept every time they offer because clearly you don't like them that much. Which is fine! Maybe one day they'll get the hint, but accepting sometimes and bringing will be fine for food. Just say you have plans, or you aren't home.