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How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 1:52 pm
oliveoil wrote:
Honestly, it seems like you really look down on these people and resent them.

Just say "no thanks". It's not that hard. If they knew how you felt about them, I'm sure they wouldn't want you at their table.


Why is that surprising? Would you appreciate being invited over and over again to a family who serves tiny portions of food? I don’t know anyone who would enjoy that. It sounds awkward and unpleasant. I have never had that experience but it sounds like something universally unenjoyable
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 2:24 pm
oliveoil wrote:
Honestly, it seems like you really look down on these people and resent them.

we don't look down on them or resent them. we feel bad for them bc there's likely something wrong with them.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 4:03 pm
nachlaot wrote:
we don't look down on them or resent them. we feel bad for them bc there's likely something wrong with them.


Having been at their home a few times, do you think they don't have enough money for more food?
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 4:16 pm
OP, I'm honestly confused as to why you went two weeks in a row, thinking the next time would be better.
I have been to people for meals that can only be described as "sad" in terms of quality and taste of food - and certainly some meals have been skimpier than we're used to. But a challah roll split between 8 people? These people seem either very poor or socially inept, neither of which makes them bad people or excludes them from offering people hospitality (in fact I applaud them making the effort despite whatever challenges they face), but very curious what on earth made you think next time will be better? Especially when you say you don't particularly enjoy their company.

In any case, a simple "we already have plans" when asked will do. They don't need a copy of your social calendar.
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 5:34 pm
amother wrote:
Having been at their home a few times, do you think they don't have enough money for more food?


as said above, my guess is that they're not rolling in money but they're not that bad either. if they're already putting on a shabbat with scant food for 6-8 people, there's *no* way they *don't* have enough extra money to put on a meal that fills their guests. they could probably like $10 more and have enough food. I find it relatively unlikely that they don't have an extra $10 to spend.

amother wrote:
OP, I'm honestly confused as to why you went two weeks in a row, thinking the next time would be better.
I have been to people for meals that can only be described as "sad" in terms of quality and taste of food - and certainly some meals have been skimpier than we're used to. But a challah roll split between 8 people? These people seem either very poor or socially inept, neither of which makes them bad people or excludes them from offering people hospitality (in fact I applaud them making the effort despite whatever challenges they face), but very curious what on earth made you think next time will be better? Especially when you say you don't particularly enjoy their company.

In any case, a simple "we already have plans" when asked will do. They don't need a copy of your social calendar.


as said above, they cornered us when they walked us out and asked us to come the next week. it's much harder to reject an invite on the spot when you're cornered, after someone hosted you. plus, we didn't get to talk to each other and compare notes and think about it and let it set in how sad the meal was. we thought about bailing out on them, but honoring our word to come seemed like the right thing to do. plus, while we didn't particularly enjoy their company, they were nice enough so we figured we'd give it another chance.

when they cornered us and asked us on the spot to come the next week, we probably should have said we need to look at our calendar after shabbat and we'll get back to you. but hindsight is 20/20.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 5:46 pm
it's all in your title "How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for"

if you don't like the host stop lying to them by accepting the invitation - not everybody does things the way you like STOP bashing them for being odd/different/poor - learn to say "no thanks"

if you cared you would find a way to make it work out occasionally as many posters suggested above ... you are not obligated to them - they are not forcing you to come - you are an adult that can say "no thanks" politely

if YOU want to do a mitzva send them challah & dips before shabbos

some of us need invites for company, for the spirituality of a shabbos tisch, not so we can eat to our hearts content [eat some trail mix before you go on a hike]

this is really weird
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 6:05 pm
greenfire wrote:
it's all in your title "How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for"

if you don't like the host stop lying to them by accepting the invitation - not everybody does things the way you like STOP bashing them for being odd/different/poor - learn to say "no thanks"


I think you're misunderstanding the timeline. we're not lying to them by accepting invitations. we haven't accepted an invitation since we decided to avoid their invites.

Quote:
if you cared you would find a way to make it work out occasionally as many posters suggested above ... you are not obligated to them - they are not forcing you to come - you are an adult that can say "no thanks" politely

if YOU want to do a mitzva send them challah & dips before shabbos


we've been saying no thanks politely. they keep inviting us and don't get the hint. their continuing to invite us puts us in an awkward position, and I think my asking on this forum how to handle that is a legitimate question.

Quote:
some of us need invites for company, for the spirituality of a shabbos tisch, not so we can eat to our hearts content [eat some trail mix before you go on a hike]

this is really weird


we, too, like shabbos invites for company, spirituality, etc. link to me saying we want shabbat invites to stuff ourselves? I don't think it's wrong that we don't want to feel uncomfortable and awkward at a shabbat meal.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 6:23 pm
I don't have any advice for you OP, but I thought you might feel somewhat validated by this thread from another forum: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jfor......page

Judging by the size and content of that thread, underfeeding (or nonfeeding) by hosts appears to be an issue for many different kinds of people for various reasons.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 6:30 pm
Ignore all the people putting you down. You don’t have to eat at these people if you don’t enjoy it. You have already gone twice. It’s a bit awkward to keep saying no but it sounds like they are awkward so it is what it is. No way to make interactions with socially awkward people less awkward.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 6:32 pm
nachlaot wrote:
as said above, they cornered us when they walked us out and asked us to come the next week. it's much harder to reject an invite on the spot when you're cornered, after someone hosted you. plus, we didn't get to talk to each other and compare notes and think about it and let it set in how sad the meal was. we thought about bailing out on them, but honoring our word to come seemed like the right thing to do. plus, while we didn't particularly enjoy their company, they were nice enough so we figured we'd give it another chance.

when they cornered us and asked us on the spot to come the next week, we probably should have said we need to look at our calendar after shabbat and we'll get back to you. but hindsight is 20/20.


I didn't understand that they hit you up for another meal invite before you even left the first.

In general, I make it a habit to not accept any invitation on the spot. If it's just me, I say I have to check with DH. If it's just DH, he says he has to check with me. And if we are together, we have to check our calendar at home. And if it's shabbos, it is certainly appropriate to say you don't make plans on shabbos, thus taking the heat off.
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amother
Red


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 6:33 pm
All OP asked is how to avoid invites without hurting someone. Some of the responses on here are so uncalled for.
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 7:49 pm
amother wrote:
I don't have any advice for you OP, but I thought you might feel somewhat validated by this thread from another forum: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jfor......page

Judging by the size and content of that thread, underfeeding (or nonfeeding) by hosts appears to be an issue for many different kinds of people for various reasons.


interesting read. generalizing of course, but jews are generally talked about (in a positive way, amongst ourselves and by non-jews) as being known for overfeeding our guests -- not underfeeding / non-feeding. even if these people are non-eaters themselves, it's totally bizarre to me that these people have lived their whole lives in jewish communities and don't realize that they're starving their guests. I almost feel like the kiruv rabbi who sent young people to their house when we were there ought to know about them, but it's not our place.
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gila-rina




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 8:10 pm
How about " thanks for the invite. Can we take a rain check? We're invited out often and I feel bad to keep saying no to you. This way I'll be able to let you know when we can get together."
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 8:37 pm
I cannot handle the repeated hyperbole on this thread. What's with all the "starving their guests"?? How many times are you going to say that?

The vast majority of people go out for social reasons. They ate breakfast before and are going right back home to a house full of food. Being a repeat guest means you learn to know what to expect, and eat right before if necessary.

Certainly, no one is starving by having a single inadequate meal every now and then.

Now, if you don't want to go, by all means, don't.

But the way you are talking about these people - who are only trying to do something good and nice - is just unbelievable.
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:27 pm
oliveoil wrote:
I cannot handle the repeated hyperbole on this thread. What's with all the "starving their guests"?? How many times are you going to say that?

The vast majority of people go out for social reasons. They ate breakfast before and are going right back home to a house full of food. Being a repeat guest means you learn to know what to expect, and eat right before if necessary.

Certainly, no one is starving by having a single inadequate meal every now and then.

Now, if you don't want to go, by all means, don't.


I get it. you think we're just schnorrers looking for free invites to shabbats where we can stuff ourselves for the week.

we don't want to go back to them. I never asked in this thread whether we should go back to them. I asked for advice on how to handle their repeated invites.

Quote:
But the way you are talking about these people - who are only trying to do something good and nice - is just unbelievable.


sure, they're *trying* to do something good and nice. but they're making their guest uncomfortable -- and potentially turning them off from orthodox judaism and causing them to run for the hills.
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:31 pm
gila-rina wrote:
How about " thanks for the invite. Can we take a rain check? We're invited out often and I feel bad to keep saying no to you. This way I'll be able to let you know when we can get together."


I actually like this one. it's a refined/polite "dont call us we'll call you" and it's vague enough.
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amother
Red


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:32 pm
oliveoil wrote:
I cannot handle the repeated hyperbole on this thread. What's with all the "starving their guests"?? How many times are you going to say that?

The vast majority of people go out for social reasons. They ate breakfast before and are going right back home to a house full of food. Being a repeat guest means you learn to know what to expect, and eat right before if necessary.

Certainly, no one is starving by having a single inadequate meal every now and then.

Now, if you don't want to go, by all means, don't.

But the way you are talking about these people - who are only trying to do something good and nice - is just unbelievable.


I can't handle the fact that you seem to only come on here to attack other posters. I've never seen one nice post from you.

A lot worse than someone who is rightfully perturbed by being served an eighth of an adult portion at a meal.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:39 pm
amother wrote:
I can't handle the fact that you seem to only come on here to attack other posters. I've never seen one nice post from you.

A lot worse than someone who is rightfully perturbed by being served an eighth of an adult portion at a meal.


Hey, at least I don't hide behind amother.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 10:21 pm
nachlaot wrote:
sure, they're *trying* to do something good and nice. but they're making their guest uncomfortable -- and potentially turning them off from orthodox judaism and causing them to run for the hills.


IME non frum people tend to be shocked by the obscene amount of food at a typical frum meal, and wouldn’t know what to do with a dips course anyway so you don’t need to be so worried.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 10:27 pm
Maybe the title, ''How to decline invites with sensitivity'' would be closer to the gist of what op is getting at.
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