Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Guests
How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for
  Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6  7



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 11:59 pm
OP- I feel for the fact that you encountered an awkward situation twice and you're trying to figure out how to avoid it a third time.

I also understand why some posters are responding negatively. Over the course of your posts a "מגיע לי" tone started to come across. Maybe you don't intend it that way, and conveying intent in writing is difficult, but that's the tone that has started to come across.

A well meaning, albeit socially awkward couple keeps inviting you for lunch. Your primary issue with going there seems to be that you won't get served enough food. It's unclear why you won't cook some food and bring it along or just eat a few bites before you go.

Initially their continued invitations seemed strange. But then you revealed that you and DH generally eat out for Shabbat lunch and dinner, asking friends for invitations, and not for financial reasons. It's possible that the couple asks the local rav or neighbors who typically needs a Shabbat meal and your name comes up every week.

You also decline to invite them to your own house citing a 10-15 year age difference, but that didn't seem to get in the way of your being a guest at their house.

Finally, you seem to think that these hosts need to be "shut down" or their pithy Shabbat dinner servings could deter people from keeping the Torah. Frankly, if that's all it takes to send someone packing their bags, then I assure you, if it wasn't that, it would have been something else. Life is not all perfect warm invites to rosy Shabbat dinners every single weekend. Maybe they're not the ideal hosts for you, but maybe other guests appreciate their company.

As a point of information (and maybe you're already doing this) proper etiquette when you're constantly accepting invitations from guests is to invite them at your house if possible, or offer to contribute to the meal.

Again, maybe in reality you don't have this "מגיע לי" attitude, but that's the tone that started to come across in your posts.
Back to top

nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2018, 12:52 am
WhatFor wrote:
OP- I feel for the fact that you encountered an awkward situation twice and you're trying to figure out how to avoid it a third time.

I also understand why some posters are responding negatively. Over the course of your posts a "מגיע לי" tone started to come across. Maybe you don't intend it that way, and conveying intent in writing is difficult, but that's the tone that has started to come across.


the tone might be frustration at the folks missing the point of this thread aor making facts up that are inconsistent with what I've laid out. I excuse the tone.

Quote:
A well meaning, albeit socially awkward couple keeps inviting you for lunch. Your primary issue with going there seems to be that you won't get served enough food. It's unclear why you won't cook some food and bring it along or just eat a few bites before you go.


it's more than just not having enough food. the whole meal service puts us in an awkward position and makes everyone at the table uncomfortable and embarrassed. we simply feel uncomfortable there.

I'm not sure how it's unclear why we don't cook food and bring it along. first, we don't really want to hang out with them in the first place. second, we usually bring wine or dessert to people. I think it's imposing and presumptuous to bring sides / appetizers for people unless you KNOW they want them. if I'm hosting a meal, I've planned the courses out in a certain way and don't want someone else throwing a jar of sabra hummus on our table. I think it's inappropriate to be bringing such food to a couple 10-15 years our senior who think they're inviting us is their chessed project. third, bringing one side or appetizer isn't going to change the overall scant nature of the meal.

why don't we eat a few bites before we go? again, we don't really want to hang out with them in the first place. second, it's more like we'd need to both eat an entire meal before we go. that requires time and planning. these people dont exactly have quick meals and like to talk/linger, so "just eat when you get home" isn't so easy.

Quote:
Initially their continued invitations seemed strange. But then you revealed that you and DH generally eat out for Shabbat lunch and dinner, asking friends for invitations, and not for financial reasons. It's possible that the couple asks the local rav or neighbors who typically needs a Shabbat meal and your name comes up every week.


that's certainly possible. but that doesn't explain the hard-sell on-the-spot invitation to return next week when we went there the first time. it's also possible that they have a hard time finding people to return to their table, and they're aggressive with people. anything's possible.

Quote:
You also decline to invite them to your own house citing a 10-15 year age difference, but that didn't seem to get in the way of your being a guest at their house.


actually, we decline to invite them because 1) we can't really handle a bunch of kids running around our home, and 2) we don't particularly enjoy socializing with them one-on-one. my mention of a 10-15 year age difference is more that it's overall not a good fit.

we didn't know anything about when they invited us. they could have been in their 20's or their 70's.

Quote:
Finally, you seem to think that these hosts need to be "shut down" or their pithy Shabbat dinner servings could deter people from keeping the Torah. Frankly, if that's all it takes to send someone packing their bags, then I assure you, if it wasn't that, it would have been something else. Life is not all perfect warm invites to rosy Shabbat dinners every single weekend. Maybe they're not the ideal hosts for you, but maybe other guests appreciate their company.


of course, different strokes for different folks. other guests may love them. but I got a very clear vibe that the young singles who were there with us were horrified by the experience.

I don't think they need to be "shut down." I think it's best for everyone if they had some advice about hosting meals. but it's not our place to say anything. if we were hosting shabbat and doing something that made our guests uncomfortable, we'd want to know about it.

Quote:
As a point of information (and maybe you're already doing this) proper etiquette when you're constantly accepting invitations from guests is to invite them at your house if possible, or offer to contribute to the meal.


yes, of course.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2018, 3:20 am
I'm surprised how long this thread is going on. OP you've received good advice. My favorite is the classy version of "don't call us we'll call you."

Personally I would also call any rav involved in setting them up for kiruv purposes to give him a heads up. Besides for that don't let anyone make you feel bad. I also get your frustration and I think that's why you started talking about the couple with a bit less kavod... I always feel these forums allow anonymity but what if chas v'chalilah they were to read some of this stuff? Sad
Back to top
Page 7 of 7   Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6  7 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How to avoid vaccinating my baby until school
by amother
141 Today at 12:35 am View last post
I don't understand megillah
by amother
48 Yesterday at 3:46 am View last post
Well paying jobs that don't require math, compute or science 13 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 5:58 am View last post
Please don't bring babies or young children to megillah
by dena613
166 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 5:43 pm View last post
Urgent: BP urgent care open on Purim 0 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:47 am View last post