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How to avoid invites from hosts we don't care for
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:29 pm
newmom1987 wrote:
Rich people are so mean. Being wealthy shouldn't be a prerequisite to making friends, but it seems that in too many communities, its the only one.


I don’t know why you are making this about wealth. This has nothing to do with wealth or poverty but is about social awkwardness.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:37 pm
I don't understand. Who's talking wealthy? It doesn't cost so much to have enough challah for each person to fullfill their chiyuv.

If you invite me I do expect sufficient challah. Serve some challah, have a protein even if it's just chumus though everywhere I've been to has had at least chicken OR meat and have a vegetable. That's not astronomical in cost at all.

Once a month to go to someone for shabbos lunch seems like a lot. There is no one I go to that often. Why would I go someplace I don't particularly enjoy that often?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:53 pm
newmom1987 wrote:
Rich people are so mean. Being wealthy shouldn't be a prerequisite to making friends, but it seems that in too many communities, its the only one.


Lol. Im not sure if I should be insulted. I don’t think I’m mean. And I’m far from rich. Money has nothing to do with this. But let’s say you do enjoy having guests and money is really tight. So then you serve the following:

2-3 challahs
Tomato dip
Israeli salad
Vegetable soup
Chicken- 1.5 pieces per person there
Potato kugel
Cut fruit for dessert

This whole meal should cost $25-$30. And if you don’t have that amount. Don’t invite guests for shabbos!!!!
As Tichel lady said, invite them for dessert. Or to play a game. Or for snacks in the afternoon and put out some chips, pretzels and licorice.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 01 2018, 5:59 pm
There is no chiyuv to go out to eat every month, especially in Shana rishona/newlywed stage it is so common to want time to yourself. I would just tell them we enjoyed your company but we don't like eating out so often. Can I call you when it's a good week for us?
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 01 2018, 6:23 pm
I'm a bit afraid to tell them a white lie ("we're going to stay in and do a quiet shabbat alone") since we usually do go to peoples' homes and sometimes even ask people wednesday/thursday if they have room for us. if these people find out that we blew them off and then asked someone else if they had room for us later in the week, I guess it could be a weird situation for everyone. that's why I'm afraid to make excuses that aren't true. in some ways, ignoring them -- even though it doesn't seem right -- seems like it might be more honest than having to get caught up in a web of lies.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Mon, Jan 01 2018, 6:43 pm
nachlaot wrote:
I'm a bit afraid to tell them a white lie ("we're going to stay in and do a quiet shabbat alone") since we usually do go to peoples' homes and sometimes even ask people wednesday/thursday if they have room for us. if these people find out that we blew them off and then asked someone else if they had room for us later in the week, I guess it could be a weird situation for everyone. that's why I'm afraid to make excuses that aren't true. in some ways, ignoring them -- even though it doesn't seem right -- seems like it might be more honest than having to get caught up in a web of lies.

Just keep saying it's not a good week. No explanations necessary.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 8:52 am
amother wrote:
Once a month to go to someone for shabbos lunch seems like a lot. There is no one I go to that often. Why would I go someplace I don't particularly enjoy that often?

Aside from any other issue mentioned in this thread, I agree. Unless someone only has eight friends and never eats at home.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 8:56 am
Invite lots of guests to your own home often enough so that you can always say that you can't come because you have guests or that after having guests you need a quiet meal by yourselves. Include those people every so often, and if they say they feel bad that they never get to reciprocate say that you don't invite people in order to get anything in return but their presence at your table.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:03 pm
nachlaot wrote:
I'm a bit afraid to tell them a white lie ("we're going to stay in and do a quiet shabbat alone") since we usually do go to peoples' homes and sometimes even ask people wednesday/thursday if they have room for us. if these people find out that we blew them off and then asked someone else if they had room for us later in the week, I guess it could be a weird situation for everyone. that's why I'm afraid to make excuses that aren't true. in some ways, ignoring them -- even though it doesn't seem right -- seems like it might be more honest than having to get caught up in a web of lies.


If you're going as far as to ask people to host you, presumably they assume they are doing a chessed by inviting you.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:09 pm
nachlaot wrote:
I'm a bit afraid to tell them a white lie ("we're going to stay in and do a quiet shabbat alone") since we usually do go to peoples' homes and sometimes even ask people wednesday/thursday if they have room for us. if these people find out that we blew them off and then asked someone else if they had room for us later in the week, I guess it could be a weird situation for everyone. that's why I'm afraid to make excuses that aren't true. in some ways, ignoring them -- even though it doesn't seem right -- seems like it might be more honest than having to get caught up in a web of lies.


I agree, it's not a good idea to white lie. Though if you're asking people to invite you, I can see the dilemma there- you're asking to be invited, and you're not in a position to tell them how much food you need. That is quite a dilemma. Do you struggle financially to provide food for yourself and therefore are seeking invites?
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amother
Red


 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:13 pm
amother wrote:
I agree, it's not a good idea to white lie. Though if you're asking people to invite you, I can see the dilemma there- you're asking to be invited, and you're not in a position to tell them how much food you need. That is quite a dilemma. Do you struggle financially to provide food for yourself and therefore are seeking invites?


You and oliveoil seem to be mixing up the story.

She never asks (or has asked) this particular person who serves hardly any food, for an invite.

She sometimes asks others and is scared that this particular person will find out that she's going somewhere else and know that she lied about staying at home when she refused the invite.

I don't think a young couple asking for invites every now and then (especially in communities where people will say, call us when is a good week for you to come) is an indication of financial difficulties.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:17 pm
amother wrote:
You and oliveoil seem to be mixing up the story.

She never asks (or has asked) this particular person who serves hardly any food, for an invite.

She sometimes asks others and is scared that this particular person will find out that she's going somewhere else and know that she lied about staying at home when she refused the invite.



Not mixing up the story. I understand she didn't ask this family to host her, but it is socially off when people invite themselves, and word generally gets around. It's likely this family knows they ask for invites and thinks they are doing a chessed by inviting them.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:20 pm
nachlaot wrote:
I'm a bit afraid to tell them a white lie ("we're going to stay in and do a quiet shabbat alone") since we usually do go to peoples' homes and sometimes even ask people wednesday/thursday if they have room for us. if these people find out that we blew them off and then asked someone else if they had room for us later in the week, I guess it could be a weird situation for everyone. that's why I'm afraid to make excuses that aren't true. in some ways, ignoring them -- even though it doesn't seem right -- seems like it might be more honest than having to get caught up in a web of lies.


OT but why do you ask to eat out by people? It’s so nice to be home just the 2 of you as newlyweds.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:21 pm
nachlaot wrote:
since we usually do go to peoples' homes and sometimes even ask people wednesday/thursday if they have room for us.


What am I mixing up ?
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amother
Red


 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:28 pm
oliveoil wrote:
Not mixing up the story. I understand she didn't ask this family to host her, but it is socially off when people invite themselves, and word generally gets around. It's likely this family knows they ask for invites and thinks they are doing a chessed by inviting them.


Guess it depends how it runs in your circles. We moved away from our family to Israel after we got married and there were a couple of people who kept telling us to call them when it's a good week for us to come. And we sometimes did that. As a newly married working woman who didn't have much experience with cooking, I was happy to get a break sometimes. Not sure how that gets any word around unless one is part of a yentish community. They definitely didn't consider us socially off at all.
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amother
Red


 

Post Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:46 pm
Thanks for the hug btw. Now, that is something I would consider socially off.
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 12:59 pm
correct reading comprehension here:

amother wrote:
You and oliveoil seem to be mixing up the story.

She never asks (or has asked) this particular person who serves hardly any food, for an invite.

She sometimes asks others and is scared that this particular person will find out that she's going somewhere else and know that she lied about staying at home when she refused the invite.


exactly. we've *never* asked these particular people to host us.

Quote:
I don't think a young couple asking for invites every now and then (especially in communities where people will say, call us when is a good week for you to come) is an indication of financial difficulties.


we don't have financial difficulties such that we're seeking invites for the free food. we eat alone together at home most days of the week, and it's nice to get out and socialize with other people on shabbat.

and you are correct. several people who regularly host us have told us to invite ourselves whenever we want and just call them up. obviously we don't want to be imposing and come too often, but if we have a relationship with these people and we think they're being genuine rather than polite, I don't think there's anything wrong with contacting them every so often to say "hey we'd be interested in coming friday night if it's good for you, if not we'd love to see you again sometime soon."

oliveoil wrote:
If you're going as far as to ask people to host you, presumably they assume they are doing a chessed by inviting you.


yes, the people this thread is about obviously think they're doing a chessed for *everyone* they're hosting. that's the point. they're opening their home weekly to young couples and young singles and people who are becoming religious -- and they think they're doing some kind of chesed/kiruv project when in reality they're (unknowingly?) starving their guests and making them uncomfortable.


Last edited by nachlaot on Wed, Jan 03 2018, 1:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 1:04 pm
oliveoil wrote:
Not mixing up the story. I understand she didn't ask this family to host her, but it is socially off when people invite themselves, and word generally gets around. It's likely this family knows they ask for invites and thinks they are doing a chessed by inviting them.


Agreed on all points.

Maybe asking for an invite is OK in some communities, but in mine, absent unusual circumstances, its considered "off."

And chances are that the people who don't serve a lot know that OP is trawling for invitations, so they ask her to come.
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nachlaot




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 1:13 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
And chances are that the people who don't serve a lot know that OP is trawling for invitations, so they ask her to come.


as said many times, it's completely obvious the people in question think they're doing a chesed for ALL the people they're inviting -- and WANT to feel like their shabbat table is their chesed project. not sure why we're still debating that.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2018, 1:45 pm
Honestly, it seems like you really look down on these people and resent them.

Just say "no thanks". It's not that hard. If they knew how you felt about them, I'm sure they wouldn't want you at their table.
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