When people tell you one thing but they mean something else.

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:39 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

What are you talking about? Very often compliments are given when a person is putting themselves "out there" for others to appreciate.

1. If I'm wearing a new outfit, it feels good to receive compliments.

If I host guests for shabbos and serve lots of food, it feels good for the guests to compliment my cooking. Should they say they like my family picture hanging on the wall?

2. If my daughter shows up to school with a new haircut, should her friends tell her......um, your shoes look great? People expect compliments for there work and effort. I have a feeling you do as well.

Yes. It feels good to hear something honest and not overdone.
1. You have a new outfit! Is the truth. If you want to add; it suits you or I love it or its gorgeous make sure to choose the statement closest to the truth.

2. Everyone wants to be seen. Of course!! But you as an adult dont want to say to another adult; I looooove how this haircut suits you if honestly, you don't feel so.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:43 pm

amother wrote:

And this is why when I meet you I say, ''I am so happy to see you again!''
I make no reference to clothes or looks or any of that stuff. I'm truly happy to see you. It's like I have a laser beam of joy that cuts right through your make up or clothes and I'm happy to see plain ole you.

If you're being sarcastic, I can't tell because they didn't invent a sarcastic font yet. But if you're being genuine, which I believe you are, I look forward to meeting you one day because you sound lovely.

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:54 pm

amother wrote:

👍

By nature, I do recognize new outfits earings sheitel or tichel. I find that people are happy to be seen if there is something to be seen in an honest way, even if its about something they wear.

At the end of the day, even the most non materialistic person spent an hour getting tje new peice of clothing she wears. If I see it I acknowledge it. If it's nice I say its nice. If I like it I say it. Smile

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 11:14 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Yes, I do just that. No lies.
Oh, and you know what? Another meeting statement.
"Long time no see" or "I'm so happy to see you after such a long time!" No sheitel, dress, makeup, etc, just plain honest to goodness her own holy self. And then whatever she says is just fine. She feels accepted and appreciated for who she is, not for what she's wearing. A much better feeling than putting who she is aside and complimenting a "thing" about her. I had people start loving me and opening up to me just because of that, even though it was totally not my intention and is not my profession.

amother

Red

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 2:28 am

The other day I saw a friend and told her how much her eyes were shining, she was glowing! She was surprised and said she was so tired. I told her that her eyes showed such happiness, it was a pleasure looking at her (I have no idea what she was wearing as her eyes caught my attention) and I was so serious! I love giving people sincere compliments and try to do so often. Only because it brings a smile to their face and shows their wonderful effect on other people. We all have an amazing power to heal people and bring them up with our words. It can go the other way too, unfortunately, when people say things they shouldn't or is obviously not sincere.

Incidentally, I just heard yesterday that sometimes when we see someone who is glowing (and they swear they are exhausted or whatever and don't know how you could see that,) it very well can be because they have just done a mitzvah! Some people don't realize how big a mitzvah it was and they are shining with the most spiritually connected part of their body - their eyes! Instant makeover! I thought that was so lovely to hear.

BasMelech120

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:23 pm

An underlying message in this thread is that people matter based on what they look like. Most of the comments (and I didn't read all the way through) are about how to tell someone they 'look bad' or 'look fat' without making them feel bad. Or even, how to tell someone they really do look good when it is obvious that they do not look so good.

Why not focus on something a little deeper when you meet your friend? Why not ask her how she's doing, how she's coping withe her new baby, how it's been since her mother was diagnosed with cancer? Why not compliment her on her 'sense of style' (no matter if you like the style or not, you can still respect her distinct sense of style!). Why not compliment the way she's cooing and relating to her child in the doctor's waiting room (even though you'd be embarrassed to do so?). The moment you stop focusing on what the friend looks like or how skinny/fat they are, there are so many avenues to go down, so many options and ideas of how you can truly connect and compliment your friend.

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:27 pm

amother wrote:

The other day I saw a friend and told her how much her eyes were shining, she was glowing! She was surprised and said she was so tired. I told her that her eyes showed such happiness, it was a Palieasure looking at her (I have no idea what she was wearing as her eyes caught my attention) and I was so serious! I love giving people sincere compliments and try to do so often. Only because it brings a smile to their face and shows their wonderful effect on other people. We all have an amazing power to heal people and bring them up with our words. It can go the other way too, unfortunately, when people say things they shouldn't or is obviously not sincere.

Incidentally, I just heard yesterday that sometimes when we see someone who is glowing (and they swear they are exhausted or whatever and don't know how you could see that,) it very well can be because they have just done a mitzvah! Some people don't realize how big a mitzvah it was and they are shining with the most spiritually connected part of their body - their eyes! Instant makeover! I thought that was so lovely to hear.

That is the most awe inspiring post I ever read on this site. You should write more. You inspire people. And, I agree with everything you said!

BasMelech120

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:28 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Here's when it's permissible to "white lie".

When you come across a human being that has been so crushed by life, they actually insult themselves. I am not talking about a self-deprecating sense of humor. That's an art form. I'm talking about people, and you know who they are, who say things like,

"I gained so much weight since the baby. And I broke out terribly. I'm embarrassed to pass a mirror."
This requires more tact. And more brains.

An appropriate response would be:
"You really are blowing things out of proportion.. You look like everyone else. Tell me about your adorable baby"

Not

"You look terrific! Even better than the last time I saw you!" Cuz that's a lie AND a complisult. And the person is no idiot.

Okay. Off my soap box. Just that complisults are my Achilles heal; I abhor them!

I disagree. The response you offered as a positive white lie does not acknowledge the friend's pain in an honest way, and diverts attention away from her and her feelings to her new baby. Yes, she had a baby, but she is still a person too. And she may be a person who gained a ton of weight and broke out nastily all over her face... but she is still a person, worthy of being seen and heard.

So, instead of the white lie, what I might say is, "ughhhh... that must be so difficult and frustrating!" And if she continues the conversation, I might say something along the lines of, "how's it been since you had the baby? I know that I used to find it so hard to be 'myself' again after the baby... and even if it didn't feel like I ate so much, I still gained weight!!!! Uch... I know how hard it can be - I'm here for you. And, I love you as my friend just like I did before."

To me, that would feel more honest. And the interaction would be so much more real.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 9:28 pm

BasMelech120 wrote:

Too true!

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 11:17 pm

Complisult Alert!
My DD was at the doctor's office with her baby and a complete stranger said, "Oh! What an adorable baby! Do you nurse?"
My daughter said she did. And the woman, a perfect stranger, said;
"Well, you must have heavy cream in there! (barf!)" Cuz that's the cutest, chubbiest baby I ever saw! Look at that face! She has 3 chins!"

My daughter said she just replied, "Thanks? " and left the question hanging. She knows my feelings about complisults but she's too sweet to take offense.
And this needs to be said again; barf! Where do people get their "compliments"? Gordon Ramsay?
I told her what she should have answered:
"the 3 chins look better on her than on you" but that's just rude and I would be furious if she HAD said that so.. Yeah, I'm complicated

crust

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 11:34 pm

BasMelech120 wrote:

This. I love your post.

amother

Pink

Wed, Jan 03 2018, 11:52 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Another possible response to ''Do you nurse?'' :
''Well, let's ask baby.'' Mommy turns to baby and directs question to baby: ''Baby, do you nurse or do you take formula? eh? nursing or formula? don't want to speak now? ok, let us know when you're ready to speak''.
By the time you are done conversing with baby, old lady's attention has shifted to her next target.

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Jan 04 2018, 12:02 am

BasMelech120 wrote:

I'm of the belief that people say things specifically so that you should deny it for them. Think about it." yuck! I hate this ring my husband got me" translates to "please tell me it's not as bad as I think it is."
In your scenario, the right answer would be "I know what you mean." I vehemently disagree. Allay her fears. Don't confirm them. Again, merely my opinion from my experience with people who insult themselves. Those people need the MOST 'pick me up' answer you can come up with. Including a white lie.
"my baby is so weird looking!" your way?
"he'll grow out of it.."
My way?
"why would you say that! Look at him!"

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Jan 04 2018, 12:03 am

amother wrote:

Spot on!

BasMelech120

Thu, Jan 04 2018, 9:04 am

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Nope.
My way:
Friend: "my baby is so weird looking."
Me: "What do you mean?" or "Tell me more?" or "Oh, dear, when did you start noticing it?"
Then, she might point out an obvious flaw, or something that is not so obvious and/or a figment of her imagination --- but at least she can share, and be heard, and feel like she can unleash this 'weirdness' onto somebody without being shushed up with a compliment.

See what I did there? Not saying 'yes he is' or 'don't worry he'll grow out of it'; rather, I am just being a witness to what she is feeling and going through and giving her space to talk more about it.

And to respond to the other part of your message, that people insult themselves to get compliments - I think people insult themselves to 'be heard'. If a person believes they are disgusting, my compliment (saying, 'oh, no, you are so yummy and perfect!) will not help them in the long run. For those five seconds, perhaps, but for them to truly feel good about themselves, it has to come from within. However, if I respond to the same person who thinks she is disgusting by giving her space to tell me about how she feels, and about just how much she hates those parts of herself, she feels heard. She feels listened to. She feels witnessed. She may get the message that someone cares. In my opinion, those things will take her much farther than the simple act of giving an immediate-reaction-compliment.

shoshanim999

Thu, Jan 04 2018, 9:12 am

amother wrote:

So do you exaggerate/lie about the fact that you're happy to see the person? What if your actually indifferent? Let's say You meet your cousin who you haven't seen in 2 years and you don't think to highly of her. After shmoozing for a couple minutes will you be polite (or as you put it, lie) and tell her it was nice seeing her, or just give her a stoic goodbye?

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Jan 04 2018, 10:12 am

BasMelech120 wrote:

I agree with your point too! But some people require one thing and others require another. It's important to know who you're talking to. Yes, there are those people who actually need that bandaid of a kind word, and there are others who much prefer just to be heard and acknowledged. You've made excellent points. And you're quite the diplomat. But do consider a "band aid" kind word, for those who need it. "I hate my dress, it makes me look like a cow" requires a "Are you kidding?" and not, "I hear you. Why do you feel that way?" We're not her shrink. We're her tactful friends. And friends should make you feel good.

amother

Red

Sun, Jan 07 2018, 2:47 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

That is the most awe inspiring post I ever read on this site. You should write more. You inspire people. And, I agree with everything you said!

I really appreciate you telling me this! I hope I can continue to inspire others. Unfortunately, when I write things under my screen name, I don't always feel that reaction. I just didn't put my name on this post as the person I said this to could have read it and I didn't want that exposure.