How do you tell your child?

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Jan 07 2018, 4:03 pm

My 7 year old has ASD. He's very high functioning but is not yet in a mainstream classroom setting because he isn't ready. He doesn't feel like he's different or anything and isn't frustrated by his challenges. He's noticed that his younger siblings don't get any therapy whereas he's been getting the whole gamut since he was 2, so he doesn't even remember a time when he didn't have any therapy. He asks when they're going to start therapy/why don't they have it. Most of his classmates get various therapies too, so he thinks everyone is supposed to get. Also, the others attend a local preschool while he has to commute 30 minutes each way to his special school. He keeps asking when he's going to the school near home. I really don't know what to tell him.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 07 2018, 4:13 pm

My DD has special needs regarding learning. I explained to her that everybody's brain learns in different ways. Some people are really good at math, some are really good at spelling, and some are really good at art. The world needs all kinds of brains, and nobody's brain is better than anyone else's.

I would bring examples of people we know who work in different jobs and have different talents, and how we appreciate everyone. Different does not mean wrong!

As far as therapy goes, you can explain that his brain needs one type of teacher, and other people's brains need other types of teachers. Just like people who are visual learners or auditory learners.

As DD got older, she really struggled with math in certain grades. With some teachers she absolutely failed, but with a few teachers she did really well. I told her "See, I knew you could do it, you just need someone who knows how to teach your kind of brain!"

amother

Plum

Sun, Jan 07 2018, 11:31 pm

Same situation here! I do think it would be helpful for her to know at some point but can't figure out when would be the right time to tell her that won't have some kind of fallout. She is in a mainstream school but gets a lot of therapy, but because of all the therapy she is doing GREAT and really doesn't see herself as having any difficulties at all. Nobody else would ever guess that she has a diagnosis and has a team of therapists keeping her up to speed. I think actually she has been doing so well that we could reduce the therapy, but that's beside the point, she'd still need help and not know why.

I have experience with kids who have more obvious difficulties like dyslexia where you can spin it positively and say they are not stupid, it's just that their brain learns differently and that's why they go to a different reading teacher and use different books. But in this case the child has NO idea. She has no idea that she has social skills deficits because part of the problem is the lack of awareness, and she has the therapists teaching her what to do so she ends up getting along well with the other kids. So I can't really explain that without making her feel like she has a problem when she doesn't think that anyway!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 08 2018, 3:11 am

amother wrote:

I can't really explain that without making her feel like she has a problem when she doesn't think that anyway!

This is exactly why I talk about brain differences. I didn't want DD to think that she had a problem, or took anything to mean a valuation of her personally. By using the word "brain" instead of saying "you", it takes it away from the personal, and gives her some objectivity about it.

Another example I learned in parenting classes: When your child wants your attention and you're doing something, don't say "I don't have time right now, I'm busy." That makes your child feel rejected. Instead, I would say "My hands are busy right now, but you can come here and talk to me." If my hands are busy, it's not really "me" that's too busy for her.

It's a subtle distinction, but it works really well. You can't argue with someone's hands, especially when they're doing dishes!

amother

Azure

Mon, Jan 08 2018, 9:56 pm

I have the "opposite" problem. My 7 yr old has also been getting therapies since before he could remember for Apraxia and other issues related to it, he doesn't seem to mind, but his younger brother who has "nothing" wrong with him gets SO jealous of seeing my eldest get so much attention, and his other friends getting therapy accompanied with anxiety , fomo, and fear of failure. I eventually had to get him counseling b/c of his emotional outbursts/behavior.

amother

Violet

Mon, Jan 08 2018, 10:27 pm

Hugs, OP. This is so hard. My oldest struggles with so much. I think he does have some awareness of being different but can't pinpoint how and why. He sees his younger siblings whizzing past him on so many levels and in so many ways.
I talk to him often about how Hashem made everyone different, with different looks, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc. When it comes to the issue of him going to a different school I tell him that I checked out all the schools and picked for each kid the one that was best for them to learn in because not everyone learns the same way.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jan 08 2018, 11:00 pm

I am on the spectrum, was diagnosed PDD-NOS as a child. My mom never actually told me (I’m 30 now). Had I known my diagnoses as a child and what the implications are, it would have saved me years of loneliness, frustration and suffering.