Should I force him?

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 3:40 pm

I think I know the answer already but I am just really upset.
I have a very difficult 9 year old at home.
He makes life really hard at home. Thank god at school is he ok.
He constantly fights and often has huge meltdowns that leave him very angry for hours. He is always on the defensive. and if he feels like you even looked at him wrong forget it. he is also VERRRY stubborn.
He is very against any hint of going for any therapy or anything even like that.
But I thought that maybe because he likes music that music therapy would be an option.
but he is adamantly refusing to go. I want to force him to go. I offered him all sorts of bribes just to go for 5 sessions and he is saying I AM NOT GOING" and I said you are going.
I am just desperate for help for him but I am not sure how much is right to force him. I think if he allowed himself he would actually enjoy it.
what do you guys think?

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 4:33 pm

This sounds so difficult. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does he have a good relationship with anyone in the family? Anyway to try to cultivate one between you & him or him and his father - doing something you both enjoy together every day?

Or perhaps can go to therapy yourself to learn how to deal with him in best way?

octopus

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 5:13 pm

Maybe he doesn't like the idea of going to therapy. If you would call it music appreciation or some other name, maybe he would be more open. I have found that kids think that there is something wrong with them if they need to go to therapy. And I'm saying this speaking from experience. So you have to decide if the damage to his self esteem is worth it. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. Plus there is no forcing anybody. That is never a good idea.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 5:39 pm

Here's what unconventional me would do:

I'd tell my darling son, ''I am sorry I've been badgering you about going to music therapy. I was a bit disoriented because of the wine I'd been drinking. I haven't had any wine today so my head is clear. Now that my head is clear I realize it is I who wants to go for music therapy. So I just want to take back what I told you when I was drunk''.

And take yourself to music therapy! It will have an impact on him even though he's not the one directly experiencing it. He will experience it indirectly.

Here's the clincher: one kid gets to come along each week to watch you have ''music therapy''. You're catching on, yes? And what octopus above said.

I have a child like that and I've had to think of all sorts of creative ways around such matters.

A child who refused to go to therapy, so I went for therapy and after therapy I went for sushi (that's what this child enjoyed), so she knew that mommy goes for sushi after therapy and whoever is with mommy gets to have sushi. I spoke to my therapist, she sat there, sometimes reading a book, sometimes joining in, it worked out very well.

PassionFruit

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 6:34 pm

Don't call it therapy. Call it playing with someone who has a lot of toys and is not going to pressure you what can help with feelings. The main thing is you need to have an excellent therapist. My son used to refuse to go to therapy, and my son's therapist would meet him in the parking lot and talk through the car window. Another session she wore a paper bag on her head the whole session because he didn't want to see her. You just need an excellent therapist and prep her.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 8:11 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Before you worry about therapy, has he been evalaluated by a pediatric neurologist and a psychiatrist? Children just aren't that moody funless there's an underlying issue.

Exactly, you are describing my 8 yr old exactly. His psychiatrist put him on zoloft and hes a different child

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 8:43 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Before you worry about therapy, has he been evalaluated by a pediatric neurologist and a psychiatrist? Children just aren't that moody unless there's an underlying issue.

Doctors who prescribe drugs are not the only ones qualified to evaluate and decide what shall be done. Music therapy has none of the side effects on the brain that zoloft has. In fact, it does more for the brain than zoloft does.

amother

Blue

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 8:55 pm

OP, with the disclaimer that I may be getting the wrong picture based on what you described.

Have you considered karate lessons? Children who have an inner sense of power and control, don't have the need to lose control. Karate gives them that feeling of strength and a healthy outlet, and they don't lose their temper.

It also trains them to be disciplined.

That said, I do agree with FF re a neuro eval., to make sure you're not overlooking something.

imasinger

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 9:50 pm

amother wrote:

Only for a client who has not made up their mind to hate it.

I agree that a thorough evaluation is the best idea.

naomi2

Tue, Jan 30 2018, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

I have that book and it helped with my other kids but not with him.

Have you tried the techniques with him to come up with a solution to this issue? You are still in "plan A" from looking at your original post.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:14 am

I have had a very thorough eval on him with a top neurological psychologist.
He didn't really fall into any type of category.
He has a bunch of learning disabilities.
he has language stuff. he has planning stuff.
she said he has self esteem issues and anxiety. but I do not think its enough for me to medicate at this point if something else would help mainly because he is fine at school. its at home that's a problem.
she suggested therapy for him.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:15 am

naomi2 wrote:

Have you tried the techniques with him to come up with a solution to this issue? You are still in "plan A" from looking at your original post.

I am only in plan A with this because I have officially had it. I did plan b first with this but I just lost it.
The way I am handling the feels very wrong but I just want him to go so much.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:16 am

amother wrote:

That is a very good idea. If this music therapy does not work out I will dry that.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:21 am

amother wrote:

what is sad is that he has great relationships with most of the family when he is not in one of his "moods" he is actually a really nice kid. I am trying to do extra things with him. going alone to places etc.
I have a feeling that is what is going to end of happening. That I am just going to have to go myself.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:23 am

octopus wrote:

I called it fun music lessons but he somehow figured it out based on the time we would go.