Sitting down at a Simcha

amother

Beige

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:16 pm

I hate attending simchos when I don't a friend or sister with me.

When it's time to find my seat, it's always so awkward.

If there are 2 people already sitting at your assigned table, and they are schmoozing, do I go and sit next to them? Or do I sit on the other side of the table, by myself, so as not to interrupt?

Sometimes I'm the first one at the table. I sit down. Two friends come together. They sit at the far end of the table and continue their conversation. As more people approach, I wonder if they will sit next to me or next to the other two women.

I hate simchos cause of this issue.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:34 pm

I generally only go to Simchas where I know most of the people who will be at my table anyway. Like at family Simchos, I'm sitting with my sisters or SIL's. At a friend's child's wedding, I usually have other friends who are also there.

Last year, though, a close friend of mine's oldest got married. My friend has moved toward Chassidus since her marriage, and her children are Chassidish. We remained close, but we don't really have mutual friends. Still, I couldn't not go to her child's wedding - she even arranged a ride for me into Brooklyn.

On top of this, they didn't have place cards - you could just sit anywhere. So I walked in, and I turned around and walked right out! I mean, I didn't know anyone (besides for her kids, who were of course sitting together, and I wasn't going to sit at a family table....)

But then I told myself, don't be a baby Chayalle. You didn't come for yourself - you came to share Malky's (not her real name) Simcha. Go sit down and be a big girl.

I looked for an empty place, and then the person I'd come with saw me and motioned me over (which was really, really kind of her....she wasn't someone I knew well at all....). I sat down and enjoyed observing the Simcha, and even danced, though I barely knew anyone.

It was a real shift in focus for me. I was there to share her Simcha. She seemed so happy that I came. I'm glad I went.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:43 pm

My mother was called to a few simchos to be the "friend" of the person that the Baal Simcha knows doesn't know anyone , so that person enjoys their Simcha and doesn't feel weird. My mother is super outgoing and friendly and can strike up a conversation with anyone and make them feel comfortable .

OP, I sit a few seats away and I wait to see if the people are interested in sharing their conversation with me. Or I just start a new topic and it usually flows as more and more people sit down .

amother

Navy

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 1:44 pm

Chayalle wrote:

This. I just went to a vort of a friend of mine in a different town. I knew no one there and because it was out of town I had to wait a while to get a ride home. It was very awkward for me but totally worth when my friend thanked me for coming and said it meant a lot to her.

clowny

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 3:51 pm

I will be having this problem in a few weeks. A friend of mine is making a bar mitzvah. It’s a long story how we became friends and it’s just the 2 of us in a friendly relationship so it’s not that I’ll be having more friends at the simcha. And I’m really nervous about this. Other than my friend, I will not know anybody at this simcha. I’m not really looking forward to it.

seeker

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 9:40 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

That's so amazingly thoughtful. These situations are so hard!

naturalmom5

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 9:50 pm

Thats what I hate most about separate seating
At least by modern affairs. I sit with my husband..

The older I get the less patience I have for it. I can inderstand big mehitzas for singles
But for couples in their 50s.. PLEAASE

Lately if I don't have close friends to sit with I just say M Tov and leave

tichellady

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 1:24 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

I feel the same way. I don’t go to seperate seating events unless they are family or very close friends ( in which case I will have friends there).

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 4:39 am

Dear Lord, I indeed have to say that I'm surprised that so many of the posters abv are, well.. so self conscious and so uptight. Relax ladies! Remember: There is a first time for everything. You are not the first one in the universe going to a simcha where you don't know anyone. Thousands of women have done it in the past and so can you. Nobody is going to bite off your head, promise you. This is the time to "man up" and as Nike's slogan say: "Just to it". Stop being so self counscious and worry abt "ppl will say". Decide which table is good for you and just ask the other ladies at the table if chair is reserved for someone else or if you may sit down. Smile and just let them know that you don't know anyone at the simcha. Introduce yourself "Hi, I'm Sara Cohen from Monsey/NY/Israel, I'm a friend/family of XXXX. Ask for their name and where they are from/how are they related to the simcha etc.

I'm not an outgoing person and I don't have a lot of friends. But friendship or aquaintances don't fall from the sky ready made. They are created. Gather your currage, grab the bull by it's horns and plunge the cold water. You will feel great about yourself.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 4:51 am

I never go to separate seating smachot unless its a family affair and then I know my family members.
I would say in the last 15 years, I have only gone to separate seating affairs of family members.
I will not go otherwise. I did that at the beginning of our marriage to friends of my husbands who were charedi and I knew NO ONE. It was awful and I did it twice. Then I told my husband that Im not doing it again. Hw completely understood. We didnt see each other all evening anyway, so it was fine, he got to be at his friend's smachot and I got to stay home in pjs and watch tv Wink

Iymnok

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 5:24 am

If I ever go, I sit down near someone nice looking and ask which side she's from. After a little small talk we can usually find something in common.
I am usually not the only one who doesn't know anyone there.
I have learned to overcome my shyness to be more comfortable in public settings and new environments.
A happy confident person is nice to be around.

DrMom

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 5:32 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Agree 100%.

Slap a smile on your face and say, "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm DrMom. The kallah's father is my husband's accountant."

The other person, if she has any social skills, will introduce herself and explain her connection to the family.

Then you talk a bit.

Who knows? Maybe you'll find that you know people in common, or that her son would be a great match for your niece.

If everybody is rude, you can always whip out your phone and look at photos, or whatsapp/text your husband. Or dance!

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:18 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

And your husband didn't consider to ask one of his friends wife to sit with you or at least befriend you?

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:27 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

And your husband didn't consider to ask one of his friends wife to sit with you or at least befriend you?

I sat at the table with the other two ladies that I had met, maybe once. They were extremely cool and unfriendly. My husband completely understood my feelings. And it went the other way too. When we had a family simcha, two different rooms (thats how its done by these cousins, my husband knew not one person, not even who the relatives were.) he stayed home and got to watch tv.
Not sure why this is an issue if we are both completely fine with it.

singleagain

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:28 am

Quote:

This is the time to "man up" and as Nike's slogan say: "Just to it".

I find this phrasing slightly offensive as many ppl may have some level of anxiety (social or otherwise) and physically have a difficult time don't what you suggested. Know that for some ppl there is tremendous difficulty to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.

I recall a time where I went with my ex to his Israel yeshiva reunion shabbaton and even though we sat with the same ppl for dinner and lunch (who I had not met previous to the event) when I found out seudat shlishi was going to be separate seating. I had a full blown panic attack and ran from the room.

The whole Shabbat I had been forcing myself to try and connect with complete strangers, but I always had my guy there. When I suddenly did not, it was awful.

I know a full Shabbat is different then a six hour event. But telling someone with anxiety to just do it, is very bad.

Also, this happened before I was diagnosed with anxiety, and was simply known as "shy" since I was 5 years old.

To all you wonderful ladies who are shy maybe it's not your fault. And please don't feel bad of you can't overcome it with a snap of the finger.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:44 am

singleagain wrote:

Quote:

This is the time to "man up" and as Nike's slogan say: "Just to it".

I was not referring to someone who suffers from social anxiety. That is something that probably can be treated.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:58 am

When I made a simcha, a relative who I am very close to vented to me that she guesses she needs to be there for the whole simcha but she won't feel very comfortable because who will she sit with, since I won't be able to keep her company? Whatever you do, don't imply to the baalas simcha that you're not very excited for her simcha and that you wish you wouldn't have to attend.