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Dessert only
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 2:00 pm
What do you give when you are invited for dessert only at a bar mitzvah? Do you give the same gift?

Do you find dessert only insulting if you know the family is well off?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 2:05 pm
In my community it's becoming more and more common to send dessert invitations. Personally, I love it. It's hard for me to constantly go out for a whole evening and leave my kids home, so this makes the time obligation much more reasonable. I never think about whether the person is well-off or not, and my gift is more about my relationship to the person.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 3:04 pm
Wow I didn't know that was a thing!! I've never been invited to dessert only
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 3:09 pm
Never experienced on a B. Mitzvah but in Israel it's extremely common in charedi circles at weddings to only come at the end of the meal to say mazal tov, bit of a dancing and have a snack or something from the special buffet served. Nobody brings a gift and nobody expects a gift. It's a blessing to be able to drop in and leave and not have to stay all evening.

The family's economical situation has zero and nothing to do with it.
Not every family wants to arrange huge functions. Some schools have rules to how you are allowed to arrange B. Mitzvahs. If somebody is getting insulted because they were invited for dessert only then that is entirely their problem, not the hosts.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 3:11 pm
Chayalle wrote:
In my community it's becoming more and more common to send dessert invitations. Personally, I love it. It's hard for me to constantly go out for a whole evening and leave my kids home, so this makes the time obligation much more reasonable. I never think about whether the person is well-off or not, and my gift is more about my relationship to the person.

Same here. In fact, I would say that the majority of bar mitzvah invitations are for some sort of dessert-only event. I find them much more enjoyable than sit-down affairs.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 3:38 pm
In my circles the bar mitzva dinner is for family and oot guests.
Dessert is for friends and close neighbors.
Aquaintances and others get a kiddush card.
So in a way my gift does reflect what I was invited for because it reflects what degree of relationship to the bar mitzva boy or his family.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 3:40 pm
If you can afford it, be gracious and give a nice gift. Most people are doing this for financial reasons. If you can't afford it, I think it is fine to give a small token gift or probably nothing at all.

People tend to invite levels of guests - so it might be just family and boys classmates to a sit down meal, and friends to dessert. I can see why you might be hurt if all your circle of friends were invited to dinner and only you were invited to dessert, especially if you don't think finances were a factor. This reminds me of when I was at the stage of friends getting married. In our community, at weddings, people were invited to dinner, and girls and less close people to kabbolos panim, chupa, dancing and dessert. A girl a little older then me was getting married. She was from a wealthy family. She invited most of her classmates (less then 20 girls) but gave dancing invitations to those she felt less close with. My close friend was in her class and was given a dancing invitation only. She was absolutely devastated. This girls parents could easily have afforded to invite a few more people but chose to do this hurtful thing.
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 3:44 pm
I give the same gift as a sit down. Dessert only has become the norm in my community and I don't see how it could be insulting. I think it's great, I can stay for 30 minutes which is much less time than a full seudah but the baal simcha is happy and my kids are happy that I'm not gone all night. I also think any trend than reduces costs of a simcha is a good one.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 4:26 pm
Raisin wrote:
If you can afford it, be gracious and give a nice gift. Most people are doing this for financial reasons. If you can't afford it, I think it is fine to give a small token gift or probably nothing at all.

People tend to invite levels of guests - so it might be just family and boys classmates to a sit down meal, and friends to dessert. I can see why you might be hurt if all your circle of friends were invited to dinner and only you were invited to dessert, especially if you don't think finances were a factor. This reminds me of when I was at the stage of friends getting married. In our community, at weddings, people were invited to dinner, and girls and less close people to kabbolos panim, chupa, dancing and dessert. A girl a little older then me was getting married. She was from a wealthy family. She invited most of her classmates (less then 20 girls) but gave dancing invitations to those she felt less close with. My close friend was in her class and was given a dancing invitation only. She was absolutely devastated. This girls parents could easily have afforded to invite a few more people but chose to do this hurtful thing.


And what if the bride wouldn't have been from a wealthy family, would your friend have been less devastated that she didn't get the dinner invitation? Seriously, having money doesn't oblige you to make limitless events and invite everyone who feels entitled to a dinner invitation.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 5:07 pm
Squishy wrote:
What do you give when you are invited for dessert only at a bar mitzvah? Do you give the same gift?

Do you find dessert only insulting if you know the family is well off?


Of course not. Just because a family has lots of money does not obligate them to give me a multi-course meal at their child's simcha.

To answer your question, yes, I give the same gift. Growing up, my parents had the custom to give a (usually cash) gift equivalent to what they assumed to cost of feeding them (or all of us, if all of us were invited) at the party was. My parents had more disposable income and far fewer simchas to attend compared to us. So I don't use that calculation. We give what we can afford to give. We have a pretty fixed amount that we give everyone, regardless of posh or simple the simcha is, and we up it somewhat for closer friends and family.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 5:53 pm
I was told I am being invited to the simcha weeks ago and save the date. I am told it was a personal request. I figured I was invited for a suda - not just dessert which I don't eat. Who goes out to eat dessert?

Normally, I give a very generous gift, but I feel a total lack of consideration.

Btw if the invite came without the build-up, I wouldn't have through twice about it. I would have figured I am a second teir friend.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:07 pm
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
And what if the bride wouldn't have been from a wealthy family, would your friend have been less devastated that she didn't get the dinner invitation? Seriously, having money doesn't oblige you to make limitless events and invite everyone who feels entitled to a dinner invitation.


Yes,she would have been less upset, of course. In this case, the girl came from a very not well off family, the bride from a wealthy family. They both attended a tiny school with less then 20 girls in the class and had been in the same class from age 5-18.
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:13 pm
Squishy wrote:
What do you give when you are invited for dessert only at a bar mitzvah? Do you give the same gift?

Do you find dessert only insulting if you know the family is well off?


I think dessert-only is a really nice idea and I'm actually thinking it would be great if weddings would be dessert-only too. If the family is well-off, it's even better - it will start a new trend;)

As others have said above, the gift has nothing to do with the food you will be receiving - it's not a business exchange. If you want a nice meal, go to a restaurant.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:32 pm
I don't think a gift is necessary. It was not a full invitation.

I think if its done evenly across the board, it's not insulting, for example all non relatives, or all co workers etc.

Personally I wouldn't do it. And I don't need to as I have a small extended family. It's like you're shlepping people out of the house for (less than) half an invitation. They still have to get dressed, do make up etc.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:44 pm
Squishy wrote:
What do you give when you are invited for dessert only at a bar mitzvah? Do you give the same gift?

Do you find dessert only insulting if you know the family is well off?

It is becoming more and more the norm to strictly invite just family for the meal and friends and neighbors etc for dessert. An invite for dessert should not make you feel inferior. I don't think you have to give a lavish gift. I usually gift Bar Mitzvah boys the same , no matter what type of Bar Mitzvah I was invited to. If you gift based on whether you are being invited to the Seuda or just to come say mazal Tov, than gift accordingly. You should not take this as an insult. People are trying to cut down on expenses and it's actually a good thing.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:48 pm
Squishy wrote:
I was told I am being invited to the simcha weeks ago and save the date. I am told it was a personal request. I figured I was invited for a suda - not just dessert which I don't eat. Who goes out to eat dessert?

Normally, I give a very generous gift, but I feel a total lack of consideration.

Btw if the invite came without the build-up, I wouldn't have through twice about it. I would have figured I am a second teir friend.


Why is it about the food? Going to a simcha is a chance to celebrate with the baalei simcha. The food is really just there for facilitate that. It's a social occasion, not a restaurant meal.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 6:59 pm
nechamashifra wrote:
I think dessert-only is a really nice idea and I'm actually thinking it would be great if weddings would be dessert-only too. If the family is well-off, it's even better - it will start a new trend;)

As others have said above, the gift has nothing to do with the food you will be receiving - it's not a business exchange. If you want a nice meal, go to a restaurant.

You know, I was thinking this, too. Even if not for chassunahs themselves, dessert-only used to be very common for sheva brachos -- which used to be held in peoples homes and involve literally a minyan of men and their wives.
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OutATowner




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:02 pm
I think I would only be insulted if let's say I was a cousin and all the other cousins were invited. Or felt I was part of the same group of friends that had been invited.
Otherwise, I think it is great to scale down the seuda and invite others for dessert, or even just to the kiddush if location allows. I can only afford one type of gift either way. Smile
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Cookie Monster




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:04 pm
Fox wrote:
You know, I was thinking this, too. Even if not for chassunahs themselves, dessert-only used to be very common for sheva brachos -- which used to be held in peoples homes and involve literally a minyan of men and their wives.


It is pretty common in Chassidishe circles. The invite doesn’t usually say “dessert only,” but it is self understood that If you are not close family or friends you attend for the dancing/dessert only.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:06 pm
amother wrote:
It is becoming more and more the norm to strictly invite just family for the meal and friends and neighbors etc for dessert. An invite for dessert should not make you feel inferior. I don't think you have to give a lavish gift. I usually gift Bar Mitzvah boys the same , no matter what type of Bar Mitzvah I was invited to. If you gift based on whether you are being invited to the Seuda or just to come say mazal Tov, than gift accordingly. You should not take this as an insult. People are trying to cut down on expenses and it's actually a good thing.


And the ones invited are not entitled to cut down on expenses too? It can really add up to send to every little simcha, especially if a lot of them are from acquaintances.
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