, | Imamother

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 10:19 am

If she wants to talk, she'll talk. The patient sets the tone.

And please say cancer, not "the c word." It's hard to talk about a disease with someone who won't even call it by name.

ETA: you can tell her you hope she's doing well, but to daven over someone in her presence is totally objectifying. She's not your lulav. If you see her only as the object of a mitzvah but not as a person you care about, don't visit. I know I'm being harsh, but unfortunately I speak from (family) experience.

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 10:20 am

Okay, I don't know what neighborhood you're in but as a chesed, you can find out if there are any organizations that deal with this like, sending free meals, sending entertainers, etc.

You are obviously in no position to preach to her or talk about Hashem and His choices but you can absolutely do things to help!

Can you spend the time watching a funny movie with her? Because that's the perfect time to quietly say a kapital near her, for a refuah sh'laima.

She has a right to be bitter and sad. Buying her books on emunah is insulting but reading her funny material is loving and bonding. Show her you understand. Show her you're not abandoning her. And always call if you can or can't come to make sure the time is okay..

Refuah sh'laima to her and tizku Lemitzvos to u!

southernbubby

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 10:21 am

Before you leave each visit, take her hand in yours and say "please Hashem, bring healing and relief of pain to Mrs so and so." Tell her that you daven for her to feel better. If she brings up her distress, you could say, "would you like to talk about that?" Just don't offer trite solutions that are unworkable for her.

Last edited by southernbubby on Thu, Feb 15 2018, 9:17 pm; edited 1 time in total

PinkFridge

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 10:53 am

Does she have to know you're davening for her? Maybe if she turns her head for a moment say a quick tefillah or kapital.
And I totally agree with humor, etc. When a person has a spiritual slump, it's important to focus on building up the physical, I.e. sleep well, eat well, and I always prescribe humor. Yes, it's a result of a physical issue, and usually people find that bolstering themselves spiritually helps with that, but I think this is a case of taking care of her gashmiyus is her ruchniyus. It will really help her. That it will also make a Kiddush Hashem is a nice by product.
P.S. The first time I heard the term yena machla I started raving, it's not yenem's, it's everyone's, everywhere. Then I did an Emily Litella "never mind." I appreciate your sensitivities but just spell it out. (Otherwise we might wonder what you mean Twisted Evil

)

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 10:55 am

Look up light-hearted humorous movies.
Nothing at all to do will sickness or suck people or Lifetime-like movies. (preachy, makes u cry, BAD)

I don't have movie names, sorry, but I'm sure other people have tons of suggestions. Just start a thread "Funny movies to watch with a terminally ill female neighbor " or something like that and you'll get tons of suggestions.
I'm of the "Blazing Saddles" generation. You need some newer stuff. Mel Brooks is hysterical but not everyone gets it..

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 11:04 am

OP, you are a wonderful, sensitive, and caring friend. I am sure you are helping her much more than you know.

I agree with letting her talk about whatever she wants. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her or bring her. If she doesn't want entertainment, don't push it.

I remember when my friend Esther was in the hospital for chemo. She was having a horrible reaction, and was in a really bad mood. I came to visit her, and she said "Go away!" I said, "OK, but before I leave, can I just sit over here in the corner and say a perek of tehillim?" She said "OK, fine." I whispered softly so that it wouldn't disturb her. When I was done I said goodbye, and she called me over to her bed and said "Thank you.", and drifted off into peaceful sleep. She called me the next day and said she felt much better!

You never know the full impact you have on people. Just do your best, and listen with love.

PinkFridge

Sun, Feb 04 2018, 3:44 pm

amother wrote:

" taking care of her gashmius is her ruchnius"

Going to hold on to that one!

Any suggestions for very funny short clips?

FTR, not my line. It's Rabbi Yisrael Salanter's, zt"l. And it should have been, "taking care of her gashmiyus is your ruchniyus." My bad.